Jimmy Kimmel Is Prepared to Beat the Shit Out of Oscars Slappers

If Tom Cruise rushes the stage at the Oscars this Sunday, Jimmy Kimmel is going to kick his ass.

At least, that’s what the ceremony’s three-peat host told The Hollywood Reporter — the 5-foot-11, 205-pound late-night host claims that, if anyone storms the podium at this year’s festivities à la Will Smith, he’s going to size up his attacker and deal out some Jimmy Justice if they’re smaller in stature than himself. “And if it’s The Rock, I run,” he added.

When asked how he would react if The Slap 2 were to debut at this year’s ceremonies, Kimmel replied, “Well, I size (the attacker) up, and, if I’m bigger than they are, I beat the shit out of them on television.” This came after Kimmel was reminded of Academy CEO Bill Kramer’s comment that “his edges aren’t too sharp” in regards to Kimmel’s comedy, which Kimmel seemed to take personally, saying, “I think what he was saying is I’m fat. I take that as fat shaming. And I’ve told him I’m trying to lose weight. I did not fit into the tuxedo I wore in 2018, and it was disturbing.” 

Kimmel’s bold declaration that he’ll fight anyone smaller than him at this year’s Oscars might be some posturing to make up for his boss calling him soft, but let’s hope no one takes it as a challenge.

It’s no secret that many Hollywood leading men are decidedly slight – from Tom Holland to Tom Cruise to other actors not named Tom, most of Sunday night’s attendees will be dwarfed by Kimmel’s slightly-above-average frame. However, this year’s nominees for the male acting categories are uncharacteristically large — among them, only Colin Farrell, Judd Hirsch, Barry Keoghan and Ke Huy Quan are shorter than Kimmel. 

At 5-foot-4, Quan would appear to be the biggest mismatch, but considering Quan’s extensive Taekwondo training and the fact that he and Michelle Yeoh did most of their own stunts on Everything Everywhere All at Once, Kimmel should probably keep Quan’s wife's name out of his f—ing mouth.