The 10 Best ‘Title of Your Sex Tape’ Gags from ‘Brooklyn 99’

Brooklyn Nine-Nine was the king of running gags, from the various things Terry (Terry Crews) loves in the third person to Rosa’s (Stephanie Beatriz) inexplicable devotion to Nancy Meyers. However, few were as exhaustive (or exhausting) as the many, many sex tapes the cast made over the years.

Okay, they didn’t actually make the sex tapes. Any time a character said something that would make a fourth-grader giggle, someone — usually Jake (Andy Samberg), the biggest fourth-grader in the group, but as the series went on, pretty much everyone else, too — declared it the “title of your sex tape.”

Some were stinkers (literally, in the case of That’s Not How Holes Work), while some were poignant (the first time Jake and Amy (Melissa Fumero) sleep together, he declares “I Hope It Wasn’t a Mistake” the “title of our sex tape”). But they were always incredibly juvenile.

We’ve ranked the 10 best ones and imagined what those sex tapes would actually be like (you can thank us later)…

10 ‘Kind, Sober and Fully Dressed’

The Context: This is a momentous sex tape, being the very first one and also taking place during the first Halloween episode. Charles (Joe Lo Truglio) tells Amy she’ll love Halloween with him, and she asks if he can “magically make everyone kind, sober and fully dressed,” because Amy hates fun.

The Subtext: A romantic quickie between a longtime married couple who don’t have enough time to do more than unzip.

9 ‘Uh-Oh, I Hope It Doesn’t Get Too Sexual’

The Context: Amy has tickets to a TED Talk on power poses and getting what you want using your body and suddenly realizes how wrong that could go.

The Subtext: You know how, when you’re not supposed to eat something, you’re like “Oh nooo, I hope it doesn’t accidentally fall into my mouth,” and then you swallow it whole? It’s like that the entire time.

8 ‘Blast of Cold Air Coming Out of That Box’

The Context: The box Gina (Chelsea Peretti) is talking about is actually an elevator Holt (Andre Braugher) is exiting, but Jake is going through something and can’t resist the swipe at Amy, who, again, hates fun.

The Subtext: Ever heard of Le Pétomane? It’s the lady version. It’s honestly not that sexy, but it is impressive.

7 ‘One More ‘But’ and You’re in Contempt’

The Context: Jake and Rosa are on trial for bank robbery. (It’s a long story.)

The Subtext: It’s a plot-y one, a posterior-focused courtroom drama that quickly gets out of order.

6 ‘My Mother Has a Fantastic Basement’

The Context: The gang has to infiltrate a high-stakes poker game, so Holt gives Jake the persona of a basement-dwelling virgin, but the joke’s on him because, well, you know.

The Subtext: Just a nice, relaxing tour of a middle-aged woman’s impeccably finished basement. And then everyone bangs.

5 ‘Ah, Did Not Work at All, But I Love That You Attempted It’

The Context: Holt tries his hand at titles of your sex tape, but he makes a maritime pun, so obviously Jake can’t accept it.

The Subtext: A lot of ambitious moves that don’t go the way you planned, but in the sex-tape game, everyone gets a gold star for effort.

4 ‘Sorry, That Came Out Weird’

The Context: Holt and his husband make up after a fight, and Jake rejoices about his “two dads, straight smashin’ it,” before immediately apologizing and then making it even weirder.

The Subtext: Again, the homemade nature of sex tapes means there’s gonna be a lot of accidents. In this case, fluidic ones.

3 ‘She’s Coming. Hide.’

The Context: Jake and Holt are snooping through the Toros’ only minority cheerleader’s house for proof that she’s in cahoots with Holt’s archnemesis, Kevin Bacon’s wife.

The Subtext: Another plot-y one, this time an extremely low-budget monster movie about a woman whose orgasms cause natural disasters. There are Legos involved.

2 ‘I Came As Fast As I Could’

The Context: Jake calls Amy to a comatose perp’s hospital room for a romantic casecation.

The Subtext: The sex version of speedrunning.

1 ‘I Guess, in the End, We Rubbed Off on Each Other Quite a Bit’

The Context: The final sex tape, in the final episode, when Holt finally nails the format of the “title of your sex tape” gag, illustrating that he and Jake have finally reached an understanding of each other.

The Subtext: Straight-up smooshin’ booties.

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