14 Dirty Jokes from Unexpected Sources
Dirty jokes always seem to be funnier when they come from the people you least expect them from. Whether the jokes are intentional, accidental or feel naughty in retrospect, it just hits different when it’s someone you never pegged for such humor— Wait, that came out wrong. Ugh, that’s not what we meant either. What we’re trying to say is we never knew they had it in them— Oh, dammit…
Look, just get your mind out of that gutter and get your mind into this gutter for our list of dirty jokes from unexpected sources.
On her husband’s crush on Jennifer Aniston: “He kind of fantasizes like a threesome with us. I mean, he can’t even get it out to pee, much less get it up for three.”
Harry S. Truman
“My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference.”
The Taming of the Shrew, Act 2, Scene 1:
Petruchio: Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.
Katharina: In his tongue.
Petruchio: Whose tongue?
Katharina: Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell.
Petruchio: What, with my tongue in your tail? Nay, come again, Good Kate, I am a gentleman.
This Bride’s Sweet 84-Year-Old Grandmother
On her UFC fight with Holly Holm: “Holly’s not the kind of person that I could really come at right away. The other girls I fought before, they don’t have the kind of footwork and movement that Holly has. They weren’t counterpunchers, so I knew that if I came right in their face right away— Oh, that sounded terrible...”
“I taught Snoop that the most important thing in business is diversification. Besides his music career, Snoop now has produced a porn movie. And by the way, Natasha (Leggero), you were great in that. So I guess that tonight’s the second time you’ve worked with five Black guys. You know, I do a lot of gardening, but you are without a doubt the dirtiest, used up hoe I have ever seen.”
Vice President Mike Pence
It turns out this quote dates back far beyond Ronald Reagan, and it was tweeted with the most innocent of intentions. However, given Pence’s odd views on anything having to do with sex, this quote coming from him took the internet by storm in all the wrong ways.
Back in 1993, people wondered why this new Robin Williams family comedy was rated PG-13, and then they saw the scene below in the third act. Back in March 2021, director Chris Columbus confirmed that there was an R-rated cut of the film that will sadly never see the light of day — but he is open to the possibility of making a documentary of the making of the film, which would include those cut scenes.
Franklin Pierce’s 1852 Presidential Campaign Slogan
“We Polked you in ‘44, We shall Pierce you in ‘52”
Queen Elizabeth II
At an exhibition of nude portraits by Lucian Freud, the Queen was asked if she’d ever been painted by the artist: “Yes, but not like that.”
Newscaster Hugh Downs
“I’ve always thought that the stereotype of the dirty old man is really the creation of a dirty young man who wants the field to himself.”
Dame Helen Mirren
During a commencement speech at Tulane University: “Today’s speech will contain advice for any of you born in England who decide to become Shakespearean actresses, and end up doing nude scenes in 10 films. I just mentioned that just to see if any of your fathers are getting out their cell phones right now to Google me. Dads. Stop it. Inappropriate. Put it away. I mean the phone!”