15 of the Naughtiest (and Nicest) Christmas Jokes We Could Find
Well, friends and neighbors, it’s just a couple of days away from Christmas, and that means we’re in the final stretch before we have to retire the Christmas jokes until at least next November. So, just in case you’re looking for some groaners to share at your home or office holiday gatherings this weekend, we’ve scoured the internet for some of the nicest, most inoffensive, dad-joke quality lines you can share with literally anyone.
Buuuut, just for balance, we’ve also found some naughty ones of various levels of spiciness, ranging from “That ain’t right” to “Wow, I’m in Hell.”
And away (in a manger) we go!
What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
“But wait... there’s myrrh.”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
“Christmas morning, we’d always wake up and go, ‘Has he been? Has he been? Has he been?’ because we knew dad wouldn’t put the presents out until after he’d had a shit. It wasn’t the jingling of bells we listened out for in our house. Me and my little sister under the covers, ‘I think I can hear Santa straining. I think I can smell his reindeer.’” (Gary Delaney)
The Christmas sweater my kids gave me last year kept picking up static electricity. I took it back and exchanged it for another one, free of charge.
What did Santa and his wife do when they wanted to split up but couldn’t find a divorce lawyer in the North Pole?
They got a semicolon instead. They’re great for separating independent Clauses.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
“It can be really tough being a little Jewish kid during Christmas time. When I was in elementary school, every year we’d have these winter assemblies, and they forced us to sing Christmas songs. One year they actually made me sing ‘Oh Christmas Tree’... in German. Do you realize how f–ked up that is? I mean, the only way it could make that any less Jewish would be if they forced me to wear a prosthetic foreskin made of black forest ham.” (Louis Katz)
Why was the snowman embarrassed when he was spotted rummaging through a bag of carrots? He was caught picking his nose.
“It’s the same kind of creepy and sweet as like, when Pornhub, around December, will upload Christmas-themed porn, and you’re like, ‘Who is that for?’ It’s like, ‘Jizz the Season.’ What?!? Who the f–k is that for? Is anyone in this room, like, ‘Jerking off feels great, but what’s the theme?’” (Moses Storm)
What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.
Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him!
How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger.
What’s the best Christmas present? A broken drum, because you can’t beat it.
Whoever started Christmas ought to be nailed to a cross.