5 Absolute Units of Normally Tiny Animals
In today’s tumultuous world, many people have found peace in one of humankind’s most beloved picture subjects: tiny animals. Perhaps keying in on both a general cuteness and a feeling of great power over such minuscule little creatures, a good pic of a thoroughly little guy is a temporary salve for many of the brain’s woes. Whether it’s a tiny pig enjoying a little ice cream cone, a big-eyed but small-bodied kitten in a cozy comforter or an infinitesimal French bulldog, the picture is likely to elicit an unconscious level of joy. At least until you think about the possible health issues that caused such adorable effects. But let’s stay chipper here!
Now, there’s not much that can beat an absurdly small creature, except for one very particular variant: Something that, by the laws the almighty God has placed upon it, SHOULD be small, yet is, against all odds, very much way too big. Even with all laws of nature conspiring to keep it at a more-than-manageable size, somehow, a couple examples have broken these chains and entered, against fate, into the land of absolute units.
Here are five animals that should be small, but are massive instead — for better or for worse…
Carrot the Goldfish
The first slot here goes to recent news darling and inspiration for this list, Carrot the Goldfish. Although their relatives in koi fish are much more normally sized, goldfish are not known for being particularly big. After all, when your version of the pearly gates is a standard toilet hole and sewer pipe, your passage to goldfish Valhalla itself is fairly limited.
Carrot, on the other hand, is not going gently into any such shitter. Tipping the scales at 67 pounds, Carrot could probably clog a porta-potty. The hulking behemoth that was reeled in by fisherman Andy Hackett looks more like something that belongs on a half-finished Photoshop canvas more than in any sort of dentist’s fish tank. Whether Carrot is cute or horrifying is in itself a conundrum, as looking at him for too long does give the feel of examining a dear pet under a microscope.
The Cow-Sized Guinea Pig
The size of animals and pets in modern times are dictated in large part by humans and the effects we’ve had on them and their environments. Whether it’s shrinking average tuna sizes by delivering all the biggest ones to the nearest sushi conveyor belt, or by inbreeding dogs until they can fit in an expensive purse, plenty of animals aren’t quite the specimens they once were. For example, think of the guinea pig, the toilet-paper-roll loving pets of a friend-of-a-friend from middle school with an extremely strange-smelling bedroom.
Should we ever invent a safe and reliable method of time travel, we may want to do our best to hide the guinea pig body count our species’ teenagers have racked up before their ancestors see. Specifically, their 8-million-year-old evolutionary cousin Phoberomys pattersoni. These ancient mammals make capybaras look like a speck in the eye of a horny rodent father-to-be, munching on sea grass while standing 4 feet tall, almost 10 feet long and weighing around 1,500 pounds. Richard Gere could never.
Inch-Long Ant Terrors
An inch-and-a-half is not much to brag about, as shady online pharmacies are all too happy to remind you. However, when we’re talking about a bug that normally requires a magnifying glass to observe with detail, that’s a pretty hefty honcho. The bugdom in question is the realm of the ant, and the ant in question is the Bullet Ant. These massive minions make a footful of fire ants seem like a dainty dip of the foot into a heated pool.
Their physical size isn’t the only thing making them absolute units, either. You know that saying, “Their bark is worse than their bite”? Or perhaps, the trope of the gentle giant? The way that sometimes, we’re assured, against all odds, that big insects or animals are much more peaceful than you’d think? Not here. These massive ants have massive stingers, and those massive stingers deliver one of the most painful stings on the entirety of Earth. If you want a little preview, feel free to watch a fun Australian travel show turn into watching a man shake and drool on the ground.
Carrot the Goldfish might be a little unnerving, but could arguably reside in the “weirdly cute” category. Not this monstrosity. This 18-inch-long shrimp is pulled straight from an elder god’s sweat-soaked nightmares. I basically have to include it here because I have seen it and now I feel compelled to carry this curse forward like that gross well lady from The Ring. Every millimeter of this thing makes me want to never touch tap water again, just in case it at some point passed through this demon’s gills. Looking at it feels like my eyes stepped in dogshit. Let’s move on.
One Rotund Raccoon
I could not, as a man who does not wish to make the world a darker place, leave you with that shrimp. Instead, I will leave you in the thoroughly delightful presence of Bandit the Raccoon. Raccoons, outside of the rabies and the general mess they create, are adorable creatures. They’ve got fluffy ringed tails, dextrous little hands, and of course, their little robber mask markings-for-life. If a creature is capable of carrying multiple video game franchises, you know that’s an absolutely GOATed animal design.
And, unlike some of the other entries above, making a raccoon huge only ups the cuteness factor. Look at this little guy. He looks like the muscle from a cookie factory heist squad. My man should be guzzling down a gallon jug of fruit juice with the rest of the Ocean Spray Eleven. Bandit topped out at over 50 pounds, probably because of his deep, deep love for Pringles. If Bandit is in hell, I do not want to see Heaven.