10 Jokes About Santa and His Elves

10 Pete Davidson on Christmas Music

“They write great songs about sluts, like ‘I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.’ You imagine being that kid coming down the steps the night before Christmas like (yawn), ‘AAAGH!’ Every time he sees a Christmas cookie, he has a panic attack. All his friends are like, ‘Dude, I heard Santa’s not even real.’

“‘Oh yeah, Timmy? He banged my mom!’ 

“‘No, he didn't.’

“‘Look at my brother — he’s an elf.”

9 Greg Morton on Elf on the Shelf

“The kids today, they’re not gonna make it. They’re soft. What is this Elf on the Shelf? ‘If you’re not good, the elf is gonna go back and tell Santa!’

“We had something different when I was a kid, it was called ‘Belt on the Shelf,’ and if you misbehaved, that belt came flying off that shelf. It came to life!”

8 Dave Chappelle on Black Santa

“One time I was reading the paper, and this story came on about this guy who was suing a department store because they wouldn’t let him play Santa Claus ‘cause he’s Black. I was actually relieved when the department store beat him, because I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for the idea of a Black Santa Claus. That sh*t would suck. We wouldn’t get our presents ‘til the 28th, 29th… ‘Sorry, kids! Santa got caught up with some p—y in Vegas. I had to sell some toys to get back! Where them cookies at?’”

7 Jack Whitehall on What to Leave Out for Santa

“Nothing sums up the differing attitudes to drinking in the U.K. and the U.S. than in what we encourage our children, our little babies, to leave out for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. Do you know what the kids in America leave out Santa Claus on Christmas Eve? Milk and cookies. ‘Hey Santa, I’m gonna leave you this big old glass of milk. It’s packed full of calcium, so your bones can be strong and sturdy. Love you, Santa Claus!’

“What do the children of Britain leave out Santa Claus every Christmas Eve? Sherry! Neat liquor! Which we have our children believe Santa Claus is downing at every house — whilst operating a sleigh! ‘Can we leave him a cookie as well, daddy?’

“‘No! Eating’s cheating, ya bastard! Go grab some tinnies for the elves!’”

6 Joe Matarese on Being Santa on a Budget

“This past Christmas my son handed me his Christmas list. There’s about $5,000 worth of sh*t on his list. I look at my son, and I go, ‘Hey, you know you got a lot of really expensive things here.’

“He goes, ‘Yeah, dad, but it’s Santa, and he makes everything, so it’s free!’ 

“I look at him, and I go, ‘I don’t know how to break this to you, but every once in a while Santa has a shitty month. Sometimes he thinks he’s gonna win a million dollars on America’s Got Talent, next thing you know he’s on West Third and MacDougal Street… Just saying, he might have to suck a dick on his way home.’”

5 Jim Gaffigan on Joking About Santa in Philadelphia

4 Michelle Buteau on Christmas in Holland

“I was there for Christmas. We have Santa Claus, and they have Sinterklaas. Our Santa Claus has elves and Mrs. Claus, but Sinterklaas had this little helper with him that was real dark. I asked my husband, ‘Who is that?’

“He was like, ‘Oh, it’s so funny, his name is Zwarte Piet. It translates to ‘Black Peter.’

“I'm like, ‘Well, what happened? Black Peter, how’d he get so dark?’

“And my man‘s like, ‘It‘s super funny: Santa was too big to jump down the chimney so Zwarte Piet went down for him, and he got a bunch of dirt on his face and that‘s how he‘s so dark.’

“I was like, ‘Why does he look like Wesley Snipes with an Afro?’ 

“That’s how we left it, but I did some deep digging. I did some Wikipedia because that’s how you learn shit as an American, and it turns out that Sinterklaas definitely had a helper named Zwarte Piet, Black Peter, but it turns out he was his SLAVE! Santa had a slave! Like, why is Lee Daniels not on this right now? Tyler Perry, I dunno… Oprah, somebody! 

“And here’s the thing: They don’t want to get rid of Zwarte Piet in Holland because the kids loved him — he was so cool. Like yeah, he was tap dancing to save his life. He’s like, ‘What’chu want, candy? I got what you need!’ Like, are you serious?!?! And Dutch people love their tradition. They don’t want to get rid of Zwarte Piet; so every year they have him, but they can’t find any Black people to dress up like Zwarte Piet because they have things like liberty and freedom. So every year they have a white person put on blackface. Here’s the deal: My in-laws aren’t racist. My man, clearly not racist. But it’s always a sensitive subject, because when I see blackface, I think of lynching. When my husband sees blackface, he thinks of Christmas presents. And because marriage is a compromise, we celebrate Kwanza.”

3 Sebastian Maniscalco on Doggie Santa

“In Los Angeles this past year, they had, for Christmastime, a Santa Claus for your dog. 150 dogs wrapped around the mall to see Doggie Santa. And you got the idiot owner sittin’ there in line: ‘Yeah, Cooper, you’re gonna see Santa today.’ Then, they put the dog on Santa’s lap, and from the line they’re like, ‘Go ahead, Cooper. Go ahead. Tell Santa what you want.’

“I’m lookin’ at this; I'm like, ‘He just wants to lick his balls!’ But he can’t because he’s got a sweater on. What’s wrong with people?”

2 Marc Maron on the Real Reason for the Season

“I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall just saying, ‘No, no, this wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ 

“But if there’s a Santa at the mall, I’ll walk right up to him, and I’ll go, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’”

1 Santa Himself Making His Stand-Up Debut on Conan

Well, technically it’s staff writer Andrés du Bouchet playing Santa:

Geez, they’ll give anyone a Netflix special these days.