12 Anthony Jeselnik Coal-Black Dark Humor Jokes
Anthony Jeselnik is one of the darkest comedy geniuses of all time. No one can take pitch-black material and have the charismatic stage presence to sell it for huge laughs like he can. In the mouth of any other person, these jokes are the kinda stuff that could land you on a government watch list. Even transcribing these jokes for this piece felt like writing the kind of manifesto they find left behind after a massacre.
If you’re easily offended, or if you have a weak stomach, you might want to tread lightly on this one. But if you’re a sick puppy, and you’re ready to take a trip down this dark alley, welcome. You’re our kinda people. Enjoy!
“People get weird when kids die, that's a fact. Like about a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek, and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. That's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, ‘Who cares? How many kids do you know get to die a winner?”
“When I was a kid, my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a graveyard. Ten thousand dollars in damages. But we had a great lawyer, who knocked it down to criminal trespassing…and necrophilia.”
“I really believe this, that being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world, like literally right below comedian. So to me, if a mother does her best, then in my book she's a good mom. My mom did her very best, unfortunately she was also a terrible person.. Like, my mom for most of her life was a Holocaust denier. Does everybody know what that means? It means she couldn't believe the Holocaust happened. It's like the worst thing you can be, and it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with. Until finally, a couple years ago we had an intervention, and we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people and then he made her watch Schindler's List. And after that my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.”
“When I was a kid, my parents had a gun. My parents said we had to have a gun. Gotta have a gun to protect their five children. Of course, they eventually got rid of it… to protect their four children. I'm not gonna lie, it was fun while it lasted. I was getting pretty good towards the end.”
“I don’t know if you guys know what a false premise is, but I have this cat. I think it must've been a stray cat because any time it gets outside it immediately runs off, kills something, drags it back in, and leaves it at my feet. I’ve had this thing for like a month and I swear, we’ve got quite the competition going. I don’t even like cats, if I’m being honest. I’m more of a dog guy. I used to have a Great Dane. You guys know what a Great Dane is? One of those big, tall, skinny dogs? Marmaduke was a Great Dane, Scooby Doo… They call them the ‘heartbreaker breed’, because they normally only live up to eight years. But, with the right diet, exercise, and attention… I got it down to four.”
“I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.”
“I remember when I was 13, my mom got diagnosed with Parkinson's, and my dad just gave up immediately. He said, ‘I can't deal with this. I can't live like this.’ and packed up his car. So, as a 13-year-old boy, I had to be the one to roll up my sleeves and say, ‘OK… Guess I'm going with dad. Sounds like mom needs some alone time.’”
“I don't think I ever got over my grandmother's death. When I was a kid, my grandmother died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday party. Literally, while she was eating cake. And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit, you know? I mean, I still have birthday parties, but now I'm just careful what I wish for.”
“My favorite writer of all time, favorite author? William Shakespeare. Love Shakespeare. I still read Shakespeare today and people will argue with me that it's impractical to read so much Shakespeare, but let me learn you something: if it wasn't for Romeo and Juliet, I would have totally overreacted when my fiance killed herself.
Now, clearly that's not a joke for everybody, right? I mean, pretty much just people who read. But wherever I go at least one person will laugh really hard at that joke, But not in Great Barrington, Massachusetts. In Great Barrington, Massachusetts, there was like a dead angry silence until a guy yells out, ‘Great Barrington, Massachusetts is the suicide capital of the country! We hate that stuff here!’
Now, that's a tough situation. Luckily, I'm a professional. I know I had three options to get out of it. Option number one: Apologize to everybody. Say, ‘You guys, I'm really sorry. I didn't know that about your town, but if I had I never would have told that joke.’
Not my style. Option number two: Point out the obvious. ‘You should all move.’
But instead I went with option number three: I said, “You know what? F–k Great Barrington, Massachusetts. The only good thing I can say about this town is the suicide rate isn't as high as it should be.”
“I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.”
“My sister and her husband lived next to a bunch of cell phone towers and they’re concerned it's gonna affect the health of their children… you know, if they can stop having miscarriages.”
“‘Cause what else you got? Doctor-assisted suicide? Get that weak shit outta here. Teen Suicide? No. College is important. I’m all about murder-suicide. Murder-suicide’s the best. You guys seem like you don’t believe me. That’s OK. I’m a pro. Watch me sell this: You hear your friend Jeff just committed suicide. Your only thought is devastation. ‘Oh my God, What could I have done to save my friend Jeff?’
You hear your friend Jeff killed his wife and then himself, you just think, “Yikes! Jeff doesn’t f–k around, huh? Holy sh*t, Jeff! I didn’t know the big guy had it in him! Should have shown Jeff more respect back in the day. Jeff was a boss, he wasn’t cleaning that sh*t up.”