This has been a rough week for comedy, we’re not gonna lie. The midterm election results have almost been as cringy as everything that led up to them. We came dangerously close to World War III (again). Taylor Swift is back on tour, but getting tickets has been a nightmare. And nearly every worthwhile comedian has either abandoned Twitter or has been doing everything they can to torpedo their accounts under Daddy Elon’s ever-changing terms of service updates. Hell, we had to make the decision to not embed any tweets anyway because it’s very much uncertain if Twitter would even still be around by the time this got posted.

But we did find some lines this week that did manage to brighten our day, and we’re happy to share them with you. 

Dave Chapelle

(On Donald Trump) “Why he got all them documents at his house? What is this? This is a guy that's famous for not reading his press briefings. Now all of a sudden he got 10,000 documents at his house, gonna catch up on his reading list. I have been fired from jobs many times in my life, and I will be very honest with you. Sometimes when I was fired, I stole things from the office. Staplers, computer mouses, all kinds of stuff. But you know what I never stole from work? Work.”

Broadway Video

John Oliver

(on a report of a British man who threw eggs at King Charles III) “He was released on bail with conditions including-and this is true-not being allowed to be within 500 meters of the King and not being allowed to possess any eggs in a public space. Which really shows just how far the power of the monarchy has fallen. A few hundred years ago, it would have been instant beheading. Now the punishment is ‘be careful in the refrigerated aisle.’”

HBO

Jimmy Fallon

“Tyson Foods recalled 94,000 pounds of ground beef because it may contain a hard, mirror-like substance. They’re really bending over backwards to avoid saying, ‘Fine, it’s glass, okay!’ A mirror-like substance? Nothing worse than eating a one-pound burger and catching a glimpse of yourself.”

Broadway Video

Not a bad joke for a dead guy.

This Unknown Twitter User

This week, we saw the trend of people paying for Twitter Blue just to impersonate famous brands and attempt to tank their stock prices and/or ruin any of Elon Musk’s hopes to generate ad revenue. The joke format got pretty old, pretty damn quick. However, we felt this one as-yet-unidentified user (and their now nuked from orbit account) may have been onto something we could all get behind:

Twitter

Lewis Black

(During a Daily Show segment about the trend of younger people taking advantage of the early bird specials at restaurants) 

“Young people stealing all the early bird reservations? Seniors need those spots. They have to be in bed by 7:30 or else all their organs slide into their ankles. This has to end though. Old people eating early is part of the social contract. Old people get the early restaurant spots, and in exchange, young people get to not watch old people eat. It's about privacy! Old people don't walk into your bedroom and watch you have energetic, robust sex. They watch through the window, because they respect boundaries.”

Ark Angel

Trevor Noah

“If we are going to reduce the population, I think the smartest way to do it is just to get rid of identical twins. No, because it's a complete waste, right? We already have one of you. Yeah, it's like having two copies of the same picture on your phone. Just delete one, easy. And, please, wait. Don't-- don't twist my words. Don't get it twisted. I don't want to hear identical twins being like, ‘Oh Trevor, are you saying you're going to kill my brother?’ No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying you have to.”

Ark Angel

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