15 Dark Humor Jokes To Brighten Your Day

15 Jimmy Carr

“Say what you like about the Make-A-Wish Foundation, they can work to a deadline.” 

14 Doug Benson

“I actually got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, 'You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the carpool lane.' I said, 'Check the trunk.'”

13 Anthony Jeselnik

“I just read the biography of the guy who invented Super Mario Bros. Did you know that when he was a kid, people used to laugh at him when he would kill turtles with a hammer?”

12 Chris Porter

“There are enough of us on this planet where we can start thinning the herd a little bit. I’m not saying we should hunt the stupid. I’m saying let’s let them kill themselves. Let’s take some warnings off some sh*t. Take DO NOT EAT off of paint. Eat it! You wanna eat it? Eat it! Feed it to your dumbass kids, too. We don’t want them either. Have yourselves a Sherwin Williams Christmas!”

11 George Carlin

“There are things we say when someone dies that no one ever questions. They kinda go unexamined. I’ll give you an example. After someone dies, the following conversation is bound to take place. Probably more than once. Two guys meet on the street. ‘Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died!’

‘Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday!’

‘Yeah… Didn’t help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be responsible for Phil’s death. How do you live with yourself?’”

10 Deon Cole

“You ever be with a woman you have to drop off at home… You pull up to her house, you gotta wait until she gets out the car, walk up the gangway, get to the door and put the key in the door, turn it… Then she leans back and does this and then you are supposed to pull off right? Stupidest thing ever. Every time I pull off, I can't help but to think, ‘I wonder if the murderer is inside the house. It's just not a lot of porch killings. I would think he would be in a house like the rest of the murderer's do.’” 

9 Demetri Martin

“If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.”

8 Drew Lynch

“You guys watch that show Jeffrey Dahmer on Netflix? I watched it. Man, this is the longest Bud Light commercial I ever saw, dude. I didn't know anything about Dahmer, and yeah I mean he was a serial killer, and he was a cannibal… But mostly he was an alcoholic. You know, I think if he had just curbed the alcohol issue, all the other stuff wouldn't have happened. We've all been there, where you've gotten to a certain level of F’ed up and then nothing is open… I’m just saying after a certain number of drinks, you can't get any food and start getting a little creative! I think we all have our limits and I think Jeffrey went way too far with this. Like, my limit is like four drinks. I have like four drinks and then I'm like, ‘I need pizza now!’ 

Five drinks I'm like, ‘All right I got a bagel and mayonnaise at home.’

Six drinks I'm like, ‘What flavor is your Chapstick? Empty your pockets right now!’

People be like, ‘Dude that doesn't mean that you can eat people. People aren't food.’ 

Neither is Taco Bell, but that doesn't stop us!”

7 Daniel Tosh

“‘Money doesn't buy happiness.’ 

Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. ‘I didn't wanna get wet!’ I yelled at his mother at the funeral.” 

6 Christopher Titus

“If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide…you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder…you've never been divorced.”

5 Emo Phillips

“I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.”

4 Dana Gould

“I'm walking down the street with a friend of mine, not to brag, and he has a cell phone with him. And he pulls up a picture of a baby, but from like the forties; like an old photo of a baby. And he goes, ‘Isn't this a cute baby?’

I’m like, ‘My god, it's like the cutest baby I've ever seen in my life!”

He goes, ‘Yeah, that's Charles Manson.’

My first thought was, ‘Oh, screw that baby! If I ever met that baby I’d kick it right in the throat!’ 

If I had a time machine, I would go back and get baby Hitler, and use him as a club to beat baby Manson to death. It would look weird in the moment. You'd get a crowd. You’d just have to explain, ‘It's okay! These are very evil babies!’” 

3 Greg Giraldo

“Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day used to be just for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!”

2 Dave Attell

“Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.”

1 Robin Williams

“I was once on a German talk show--and if you want to go on one, it's a lot of fun. It's really fun. And I was on this German talk show, and this woman said to me, she said, ‘Mr. Williams, why do you think there's not so much comedy in Germany?’ 

And I said, ‘Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?’ 

And here's where it got interesting. She didn't bat an eyelash; she just went, ‘No.’ 

At that point, even God's going, ‘Do you get it!!?!’”