15 Halloween Candies And What They Say About The Person Giving Them Out
Ah, trick-or-treating. A delicious tradition in which children are distributed enough nougat to send a diabetic’s foot rocketing off their leg, all for the low, low, price of free. But, as you grow, the roles slowly reverse, until you are the distributor and not the recipient, and when that time comes, you’ll find yourself in a CVS candy aisle, making a decision that will affect your reputation with the neighborhood kids forever. The candy you dole out come Hallow’s Eve is an important choice, as it says more about you than you know.
Here’s some popular choices and the vibe they present.
This is someone comfortable with themself, who understands exactly how much fun Halloween is without trying to overthink it. You may not be the house sending whispers down the block and becoming a must-visit destination, but your candy will never find itself sorted off to the side or used as trade bait. And there’s a powerful confidence in that.
Be very kind to the person giving out Oh Henry bars, because they will be gone before next Halloween.
Butterfingers are just a LOT, in my opinion. And they give off the same vibe about the person giving them out. Adults that give out Butterfingers feel like they’re also going to try to tell the kids they used to be able to kickflip. You’re 40, man.
It’s a kind gesture, but it’s also weirdly chaste. Hershey’s milk chocolate is the last step before something is just Not Candy. It’s like something an amish child would get a brick of for finishing their chores.
This is some freak s**t to give out, honestly. Even for the most nightmarish candy fiend of a child, finishing a full tube of Smarties is psycho behavior. Smarties are the meth of candy.
Necco Wafers are candy for the sort of person who whips themself on the back with a willow rod whenever they think about masturbating.
Simple. Classic. Perfect. No notes. Seeing a Twix in your little pail is like seeing your friend across the room at a party.
Milky Way is both classic and lavish. The sheer amount of various sugar-based substances contained make it a guilty pleasure even among the candy community. When I eat a Milky Way I hear the voice of Black Phillip in my head whispering “Wouldst thou like nougat and caramel in equal measure?”
I’m not even going to get into the cliche jokes about the edibleness of candy corn, there’s not even a way to give it out without it feeling like something from a reverse dentist’s office. Either somebody’s wrinkly old hand is sprinkling it into your bucket like they’re feeding a pigeon or it’s in weird little cellophane packets that always feel like they came out of a drawer 2 seconds ago.
Skittles have strong kooky aunt energy. The houses where you get Skittles usually have a lady wearing bold statement glasses or a guy who plays some weird sort of music like “rock saxophone.”
I don’t know how to fully explain this but giving dark chocolate to children feels borderline sexually inappropriate.
The kind of person you never mind seeing at a party but you’re also not texting if they’re not there, you know?
Just a very chaotic, aggressive energy, giving out Atomic Fireballs. Kind of a goblin vibe.
Cool uncle but also a little evil. The kind of guy who’d sneak you your first beer when you’re underage at a barbecue and then laugh when you almost throw up.
Why don’t you just hand the candy directly to their parents, at this point?