Oh, Come On: 4 Of History's Outrageous Early Sex Toys

There are a lot of constants throughout time. Things that, no matter the era, no matter the civilization, and no matter the moment in time, humans simply need. Maybe it’s the urge to express ourselves through art and storytelling. Or it’s our immortal quest to understand the meaning of life. Vital things that keep all of humankind humming along with our basest soul intact. Things we cannot live without. Like hours upon hours of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives marathons every Friday.

And there’s one other touchstone of just about every era of humanity to date: we all just really need to get our rocks off. But before you were able to watch streaming porn directly from your Bluetooth air fryer, you had to get a bit more creative - and sometimes, a bit more horrific - to get that nut. These are five of the wildest sex toys in human history.

4 Goat’s Eyelid Cock Rings

Cock rings have always felt like one of those extra steps that really go just a tad too far. I’m not going to yuck anyone’s yum in this (that’s a lie, I probably will), but the dick shouldn’t need to be treated like an Instant Pot to get the job done. A proper craftsman doesn’t need a million settings and modes, the original function is a hell of a tool. But that didn’t stop an ancient Chinese dynasty from getting super weird with goat eyelids and shafts.

Said to help stimulate erections, this ancient dynasty even supposedly had a more deluxe version with the goat’s eyelashes still attached to really show just how much of an ancient sex pervert you are.

I like to picture that the guys who got into these, carried them around in some stone suitcase with other horrible old-world sex toys. “Well, you’ve already had me with the eyelids from dead goats stretched around my dick, so that’s out for tonight. Let’s see, I’ve got a beaver’s teeth that I kind of just jam into my hole … right into my dick hole, and I kind of just let those beaver teeth hang out of my hole and whatnot. No? No beaver teeth in the dick tonight? Cool, cool. No, yeah, totally agree. That’s not the vibe. What about my sex bees over here? The ones buzzing around in my stone sex suitcase? I cut a hole in my ballsack and let a dozen of them loose in there, and they knock a few things around and really sting the absolute hell out of my exposed testicles, but I think it makes me come super far. Should we try my cum bees?”

3 Greek Bread Dildos

Remember when everyone got super into making bread during the pandemic? Well, the Greeks had a moment like this, but on ancient Greek TikTok, a very smiley, overly positive influencer was describing exactly how to make Cockbatta bread. Apparently, one of the earlier dildo styles was molded out of bread in ancient Greece, meant to provide a cheaper option to bronze, these hoagie hogs were cheap and easy to make and could also provide a dual purpose, where the wildest could have a little snack while laying in the afterglow.

You’d have to imagine there were certain bakers that Greek women really sought out. Tony on the corner? His dough dicks just don’t have it. There’s something missing. Like a flat white bread, they just don’t move the needle. But keep walking down those ancient streets, and you’ll stumble on The Leavening Load, with a tagline that reads We Rise to the Occasion. These are the bread boys you want. Hop in there and browse from the finest selection and maybe settle on the Sourdough Swirl, a firm, hard, fat flour fornicator that will form an unbreakable connection with the most discerning Grecian woman.

2 Burmese Balls

If you’re ever, for some reason, looking for another piece of evidence on how men have forever been horned up sacks of blood and shit and jizz and little else, look no further than this one. Though for most, the thought of something going up our dickhole is genuinely unimaginable, you tell a dude one time that popping a little copper bell full of bird jizz into the tip of their dick would give them even the slightest advantage in the sack and you’ll find nine out of ten dudes jingling down the street. During the Ming dynasty, there was a belief that inserting a ball into your own cum hole would make you do sex and cum good. And you know what? I take some comfort in knowing that men have always been, and will always be, stupid enough to read that sentence above and think there’s a shot.

If you were to pitch these Burmese Balls today in the same way that you might find unregulated boner chewables on podcast ads, I’d bet you’d at least be able to turn a profit. With copy written to our basest instincts, with the basest form of communication, that still somehow works because we are, after all, sacks of blood and shit and jizz and little else.

1 Straw Ship Sex Dolls

Boats, basically anytime up until 20 years ago, were just plain gross. Boats in the 1600s were nightmarish floating purgatories populated with every type of bad guy you’d run into in the starting zone of an RPG. Sex dolls on 1600s boats are possibly the second most cursed object that mankind has ever created - coming up just short of the original studio demo of Rascal Flatts’ Life is a Highway, an object filled with such pure, unfiltered evil that it’s impossible to know what kind of utopia we’d be living in if some producer had the balls to take a sledgehammer to it the second it rolled out of the booth.

But if there’s one thing that’s been universally true about sailors for as long as we’ve had seamen on the sea, it’s that those boys need to bone. And when you’re an old-timey dirtbag on the open ocean, sometimes, your only choice is a loosely-humanoid sack made from tattered cloth and stuffed with straw for your pleasure. Imagine, if you will, a scarecrow, but somehow even more lifeless and dead, fated to live out its life in the bowels of a swaying wooden tomb poking around aimlessly in uncharted waters … filled with the cum of a hundred different sailors. An image you absolutely did not need to imagine, but since I had to for this piece, you’re coming down into this hell with me.

I love to picture that one sailor fell in love with the doll and absconded to a remote island, freeing the doll from this fate and glamming it up with a nice coconut hair wig, and finding true love in blissful isolation. But I can only imagine that for a moment before the image from above comes zooming back in, and I’m left thinking about the sound dangling, diseased sailor balls smacking into dry hay with such force that the friction from his sailor sores smacking the seamen’s sexdoll start a boat fire, sending the entire ship into flames where the smell of the sailor jizz burns like the world’s most toxic plastic fire into the air and leaves a rotten cum cloud that wafts all across Europe, enshrouding it in a mysterious, malignant darkness beyond all scientific comprehension.

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