RIP Judy Tenuta: Her 15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame
Judy Tenuta has died at the age of 72. Her acerbic wit and acerbic accordion playing will continue to reverberate across space and time, but we'd like to remember her here now with a selection of her Tenuta-ist best jokes for our Hall of Fame.
WARNING: A joke on this list references suicide.
Because it's Judy Tenuta we're talking about here right out of the gate we're going to zig just when you thought we'd zag and offer up fellow 80's weirdo and weirdo voice icon Emo Phillips' favorite Tenuta story.
On What Men Want
“What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.”
On Her Heritage
“I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting out a hit on myself.”
The Effect Of Her Work On Others
“My work is a mitzvah for the eyes and ears, and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change.”
On Her Body
“You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.”
On Her College Experience
“I got an ‘A’ in Philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.”
“Friends are just enemies that don't have enough guts to kill you.”
On Her Mother
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, “Just wait.”
“I could have been in a sorority. But they wouldn't let me in because I already had a personality of my own.”
On Someone Trying To Kiss Her
“He tried to kiss me, and he kissed like a Pez dispenser. His head fell back 180 degrees, and his tongue popped out. Like I'm supposed to give him communion.”
On Being Hit-On
“So then, he starts puffin' on a cigar the size of God's ego. And he's blowing this cigar smoke in my petite flower face! And I said, excuse me, but if I wanted to shorten my life, I'd date ya!"
On Attending Her Friend's Wedding
“One day she called me – you remember – she called me and she said, ”Judy! Judy! Are you comin' to my wedding? And I said, “Oh, yeah right! You know, like I have time to buy her a blender just ‘cause some pipefitter is poachin her eggs. Yeah, just ’cause some busboy from Meals On Wheels found her F-stop. I have better things to do like stay in bed and complain.”
“How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?”
On Who She Is
"By now, I'm sure you can tell that I'm the kind of woman who sits by the phone and waits for some man to call. (Spits gum at audience member) Crawl for it."
Ending Her Act
“Thank-you so much! You people mean nothing to me.”
Top Image: Shutterstock