Tom Papa discusses how uncomfortable it is to be alive.
"I enjoy doing stand-up, especially now because life is so busy and it's so hectic, and with stand-up, I can just go out and relax, and enjoy the silence."
Roy Wood Jr.
“Any time a black person falls in a civil rights movie they fall and they do that double bounce and the dirt come up.”
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”
“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list."
“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim."
“Google Earth is amazing. They’ve photographed every road in the world and put them on the computer. You just type it in and you go there. You sit in front of the computer and you think, ‘I can go anywhere in the world. Where shall I go?’ And we all come to the same conclusion: ‘My house.'”
“There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.”
“Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?”
“Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.”
Paul F. Tompkins
“So I go and I get a job at a video store. There I was back behind a counter…angry…full of self-loathing. And I just couldn’t make this fun for myself anymore. So I started stealing.”
“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”
David Spade on celebrity d*ck pics: “Like oh my god, please don’t look at my d*ck pics. Here’s the link. And you know it’s linked because you never see an actor with tiny wiener get those pictures leaked.”
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Top Image: Comedy Central