Well, bad news for those of us who prefer to be healthy. Even as the novel coronavirus continues to run fairly rampant across the globe, and as the new threat of monkeypox spreads, the human race simply cannot stop discovering new ways to become ill. You’d think that maybe we’d be overdue for a couple months in which leaving a controlled living space was not inherently somewhat dangerous to our overall body function, but it seems that microscopic dickheads are absolutely dead-set on getting humans off this earth.

In a headline that will clench the jaw of anyone that’s lived through the past couple of years, China has discovered a brand new virus that’s spreading amongst humans. It’s called the Henipavirus, it originated in animals but is now spreading to humans, and Jesus Christ this whole thing sounds infuriatingly familiar. So far those infected haven’t been in serious danger, but I just can’t do this whole thing again.

Maybe the Earth has followed the plot progression of a edgy freshman philosophy student’s paper and realized that HUMANS are in fact, the infection. It’s had enough of us fracking its sensitive bits and going ham on the global thermostat and has decided it’s just going to full send on diseases until the air is quiet again. If that’s the decision that Gaia herself has made, who are we, and specifically, who am I, to argue?

Pixabay

It seems so nice and peaceful in there.

We had a good run! We invented a lot of cool stuff like lasagna and that thing where there’s a bouncy ball attached to a paddle by string. We figured out how to navigate both air, sea, and to some extent, space. Maybe it’s just about time that all the lights turn down on us. I’m just saying, things were messed up enough with ONE global virus pandemic, and now we’re possibly on the verge of three at the same time? How many plastic bubbles are they going to need to put around the outdoor brunch tables now?

I think I’m clocking out. I’m hopping the next flight to Shandong province and I’m gonna french kiss every animal corpse I see like it’s a creepy taxidermist’s prom night, then just pop myself into one of those comfy adjustable hospital beds and practice my death rattle. If I’ve got to go out, I’ll do it eating cafeteria jello before this whole thing goes Mad Max. Best of luck to the rest of you fighting the next virus that comes from grasshoppers and makes you throw up your eyeballs or whatever.

Top Image: Pixabay/Pixabay

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