Monday comes and the most useless advice column on the internet returns to help another wayward soul. Today the advice seeker in question is user u/Ok-currency70 on Reddit, who asks a question that I’m sure lots of people in the modern world have wondered: how does somebody even connect romantically with someone else in the world of dating apps? It’s a cold, harsh world out there, which ironically makes it much harder to find someone who doesn’t infuriate you to weather it with. Sure, dating apps can make the connection part easier, but it’s still a heavy crapshoot, and you can only hear so many explanations of IPA brewing methods or “funny” cat stories before you’ll be yearning for the days of old.

The dating experiences of the past generation may be just that–the methods of a time long past. Some of that may be a net positive, as half the stories grandparents tell about how they met are borderline stalking cases. If a modern man was to hang around a cute waitress’ car for 2 years straight until she agreed to a date, he would likely and rightly be reported to the authorities. Not to mention that it feels like people spend much more time indoors than they used to, mostly because indoors rocks now. We’ve got the internet and all sorts of stuff to do on it. Of course I don’t want to take some trolley to a sock hop or wherever the hell people met in the 60s.

However, that doesn’t mean it’s impossible, and I’m here to help with 3 techniques to meet your possible future soulmate, live and in the flesh.

Ride A Tandem Bike Alone

Pixabay

Full steam ahead to marriage!

One of the most awkward parts of any romantic investigation is trying to determine if the person you’re interested in is single. It can be a huge hurdle to overcome in conversation, especially if the person doesn’t know any friends of yours with which to covertly inquire. So, if you’re able to quickly and efficiently remove this roadblock, you’re one step closer to happy ever after! Luckily for us, there’s a way to broadcast this to the public at large almost constantly day-to-day, maximizing the potential for your future paramour to see it.

That, of course, is making your daily form of transportation a tandem bicycle. Not only will any potential suitors that spot you immediately know that there’s a gaping hole in your life, but thanks to the tandem bike, they’ll be able to see physically, specifically, right where they’d fit in. This has a second upside as well, as now that you’re hauling basically two bikes around your city or town on the daily, you’re likely to be in the best shape of your life. It’s like a very lonely form of resistance training!

Set Up A Spaghetti Dinner At A Bar

Pixabay

Meet the mamma mia of your future children!

This second solution also takes care of the initial “are they single” conundrum, but has the added advantage of being able to seamlessly transition straight into your first date! Sure, someone could opt to jump right on the tandem bike, but being that it’s a form of transportation, they may be worried that you’re going to take them on a scenic cycle to an abandoned reservoir where they can become a future cold case.

Not here! This one exists in a busy public place, a place where there are statistically very few serial killings. In fact, it’s in a place that already inspires romance, if by romance, you mean drunken sex followed by trying to find someone’s bathroom without meeting any of their roommates: a bar! 

Now, if the advice was as easy as “go to a bar and meet someone” you’d be right to say, “what’s the point of this whole article?” In fact, you might be right to ask that regardless! Anyways, the plan here is simple: set up a full, delicious spaghetti dinner for two at an empty table at a bar. And dress to impress! When someone comes to inquire what exactly is going on, and if you’re waiting for someone, simply inform them the seat, and spaghetti, is open to all takers. If they acquiesce, congratulations: you’re sharing a slippery meal with your future soulmate!

Force A Meet-Cute

Pixabay

Oh no! My… HALF COMPLETED MARRIAGE LICENSE!

One of the forms of media that makes us perhaps the most nostalgic for the old days of happenstance courtship is the movie, especially the romantic comedy. The way that future lovebirds meet in these flicks is remarkably consistent, even establishing itself as a named trope: the “meet-cute.” It most regularly occurs through some sort of bump or clumsy accident, at some point during which, meaningful, bashful-yet-sexual eye contact is established. One hour and forty minutes later, after some sort of adorably disastrous date, one large misunderstanding, and a heartfelt apology/epiphany, they walk into the sunset.

Now, there are downsides to meet-cutes in real life, most notably that they don’t happen. Even if you’re lucky enough to bump into somebody in an adorable way, it’s usually at least half their fault, taking away your agency in choosing a partner. Well, who said we can’t swing those scales? First off, choose a neighborhood or street corner where the general foot traffic aligns with your preference in partner. Bookstore around the corner from your favorite pizza place? Indie movie theater steps away from a preferred coffee shop? Right on the path between the Buffalo Wild Wings and the Dave & Busters? Perfect!

Now, and this is important, absolutely load up on useless s**t. You want your arms to be completely full, cradling a bunch of crap that meets a few important parameters: it should say something about your personality, it should be light enough so that you don’t get all gross and sweaty, and it shouldn’t be super expensive so that when you drop it, it’s like, a huge deal. Sorry if your biggest interest is delicate porcelain figurines, you’ll have to save that for date 2!

From here it’s simple! Get all gussied up in your best outfit, post up on a city corner, and scan for future spouses. Once you find one you feel has potential, subtly and slowly drift, like a sad little glacier, just enough into their path to absorb a soft shoulder check. Boom! Yard sale! Crouch down immediately, count to 3, and then lock eyes. Next step is choosing what cake you want at the wedding reception.

And people say dating is hard.

Did you meet your future spouse using one of these techniques and subsequently get married to them? We want to hear about it! Let us know in the comments using whatever form of brain internet exists in 10 years!

Top Image: 

Pixabay/Reddit

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