4 Awful Side Projects Rich People Unleashed

Incontrovertible evidence that money can't buy talent.
4 Awful Side Projects Rich People Unleashed

Everyone has a dumbass idea every once in a while. The difference with rich people is that they can actually enact those dumbass ideas without being stopped by monetary considerations or anyone telling them, "Hey, this is a dumbass idea." Hence the existence of projects like ... 

The Winklevoss Twins Go On A Vanity Rock Band Tour (Right After Firing 10% Of Their Employees)


The Winklevoss twins are only known for receiving $65 million in "go away" money from their former buddy Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook, yet they refuse to do that. After making a bundle of actual real-world money by being early adopters of trendy digital non-money, they made it their job to around telling everyone that you, too, can hit it big via cryptocurrency (if you go back in time and invest when they did). Predictably, their startup hasn't been doing so hot lately, having been forced to lay off 10% of its employees, many of whom feel distraught and betrayed by their former bosses/hype men. 

But you wouldn't guess that looking at the Twinklevii two months ago as they gleefully butchered "Don't Stop Believin'" with their band on a stage. 

To be clear, that isn't one of their birthdays or a friend's wedding or something -- people have paid as much as $50 for the privilege of hearing their band, Mars Junction, and getting to buy their exclusive NFTs (plus other merch you can actually touch). 

Aside from Journey, their repertoire also includes songs by The Killers, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Blink-182, The Police, Pearl Jam, Kings of Leon (yes, they play "Sex on Fire"), and of course, Rage Against the Machine, because unfortunately there's no band called Feeling Quite Content With The Machine That Allowed Us To Be Here While Our Employees Prepare Their CVs. 

But hey, at least they aren't cannibals.

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The CEO Of Goldman Sachs Played A DJ Set On Lollapalooza 2022


Lollapalooza started in 1991 as a way to celebrate and showcase alternative music bands -- the first show was opened by Butthole Surfers, and that says it all. Some people say the festival has sold out by now, but we're not sure what gave them that impression. Anyway, here's the CEO of the largest investment bank in the world playing a DJ set on the latest edition: 

Again, this isn't like a thing where he was walking by, and the actual DJ invited him to step up for a second as a gag: David Solomon, aka DJ D-Sol, landed a full set at Lollapalooza Chicago 2022, thanks to his natural DJ-ing talents, which have been described by experts as "middling," "generic," and at best "cheerfully competent and inoffensive." 

He has also released some singles through his own label, most of which sound like background music for cellphone ads. 

Lolla '22 is Solomon's biggest gig yet, but this isn't his first festival. Among other places, he opened for the Chainsmokers at a July 2020 event in the Hamptons that was meant to demonstrate how to safely perform a concert during a deadly pandemic, only to end up being investigated by New York authorities due to "rampant" social-distancing rules violations. That was the day he truly became a DJ, just like the time his pay was slashed by 36% due to Goldman Sachs' involvement in a massive international financial scandal was the day he truly became a CEO. 

Proceeds from Solomon's Lollapalooza set are reportedly being donated to charity, which is very generous. Not as generous as letting a 60-year-old banker play a set in a massive festival, but still. 

The Koch Family's Failson Designs Eye-Murdering T-Shirts


Wyatt Koch is the oldest son of Bill Koch, who is like the Fifth Beatle of the Koch Brothers despite the fact that there are only four of them. While his more famous uncles focus their considerable wealth and influence on reshaping the world to make it more miserable for anyone who isn't obscenely rich, Wyatt has focused his efforts on ... shirts. Designing shirts, selling shirts, promoting shirts, and living shirts. Well, if the guy is so passionate about the subject and has unlimited funds at his disposal, then surely they couldn't look cartoonishly awf-- 

If there's a better demonstration of the fact that rich people can get away with literally anything than this guy's shirts, we can't think of it. According to his store's press agent, Wyatt comes up with the ideas for the shirts all by himself and designs them with the assistance of a totally real designer called, uhh, Sofia Name, yeah, who "brings a vibrant South American flair." One shirt, as seen in the video, is decorated with dollar bills and money bags, which is what you'd make the idiot rich kid wear in a teen comedy made in the '80s, when subtlety was illegal. If you're wondering, that particular shirt is called "Wall Street" and costs $119 -- or used to cost that before Wyatt's website was mysteriously taken offline shortly after the video above went viral for all the wrong reasons. 

See, Wyatt's promo video happened to come to the internet's attention right after the passing of new tax cuts for the mega-rich that probably wouldn't have happened if his uncles hadn't spent decades pouring money into congresspeople. This turned Wyatt into "the face of Trump's tax plan" -- which should have been a source of pride for him since he once claimed his favorite springtime activity is "playing tennis at Mar-a-Lago." It's tragic that the internet went and ruined such a beautiful thing with its relentless goofing. Even the jokers at CNN got in on the mockery: 

We Regret To Inform You Both Lennon Kids Are Into NFTs


The further we get from the unfortunate moment NFTs entered the public consciousness, the clearer it becomes that all the celebrities hocking these cursed things were either 1) saps with too much money begging to be separated from it, or 2) looking for saps with too much money begging to be separated from it. We're choosing to believe John Lennon's grown kids belong to the first category. 

First there's Sean, the edgiest Lennon bro, who likes apocalyptic Beanie Babies so much that not only did he mint some baffling (occasionally NSFW) ones of his own, but he has also promoted some made by other people -- like these "not for the faint of heart" (OR for babies) NFTs that look totally badass and not at all like artwork from some sort of low budget porno game where monsters give you BJs. 

Screenshot of Sean Ono Lennon tweet promoting skull NFTs.


His brother Julian's foray into the dishonorable NFT market ended up being somehow even more baffling: he's been selling digital versions of Beatles memorabilia items, including items of clothing owned by his father. Yes, for only $12,800, you can be a part of Beatles history and own ... uh, a link to some sort of black blotch that doesn't even depict a Beatle. That's sad on so many levels. 

Screenshot of Julian Lennon NFT of John Lennon cape.

Julien's Auctions

Here's hoping whoever bought these was someone filthy rich who won't even notice that money is gone forever. Ideally someone who makes/wears horrible shirts or butchers Journey. 

Follow Maxwell Yezpitelok's heroic effort to read and comment on every '90s Superman comic at Superman86to99.tumblr.com. 

Thumbnail: Techcrunch/Wikimedia Commons, Wyatt Ingraham/YouTube

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