Well, it’s Monday morning, the beginning of a sunny, hot, disgusting new week. With this new week comes a new batch of internet problems, which people are seeking solutions and help for on the internet. Luckily for them, they have one of the nation’s dimmest minds on the case: yours truly. This week’s person in need is reddit user and burner account u/soontobeaunt, who’s taken to the net looking for solutions to a birth-based problem that’s cropped up in her family.

Reddit

Soontobeaunt’s problem is as follows: her pregnant sister is due to give birth in a couple weeks. She’s chosen to do a home birth, presumably either to feel closer and more personal during the experience, or because she wants an excuse to redecorate her bathroom. She’s invited the advice-seeker to witness the home birth. On one hand, this is of course a touching invitation that demonstrates just how important to her life the invitee is. On the other hand, a baby being born old-school style is a maelstrom of viscera that can bring into question just how much more malleable the human anatomy is than previously thought.

Understandably, Soontobeaunt is a bit squeamish about the whole affair, noting that, for some reason, her mother has shown her footage of her own labor, which is more of a Silent Hill cutscene than a family moment. To reject the invitation, however, might cause a permanent rift in the relationship. I’ve sat in my thinking chair, and squeezed my dry little brain for options, and here’s what I’ve come up with:

Destroy Your Psyche With The Internet

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Witnessing a live birth is a bit more biological than some might prefer, especially those who don’t deal well with blood, viscera, and the like. Fortunately, thanks to the development and breadth of the information superhighway, anyone with Wi-Fi has access to some of the most unfettered horrors ever captured on video.

First off, download some extensive anti-virus software and enable a strong firewall, maybe even a VPN for safety. Next, dive headfirst into 4chan and LiveLeak videos. Grit your way through a gauntlet of Russian dashcam videos and people falling off of cranes. Download a zip file of unreleased crime scene photos. Once you’ve reviewed all this media, your psyche will be so irreparably shattered that the miracle of birth not only won’t seem violent in comparison, but might be a well-needed reminder that there is still some good in this dark, dark world.

Pretend It’s A Metal Video

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Right as they call you into the birthing room to witness the beauty of life anew, pop in some subtle wireless earbuds and slam on some heavy-ass metal. I’m talkin’ the good s**t, like some Cannibal Corpse, Pig Destroyer, maybe some Gorgoroth if you’re feeling international. Now, the tearing flesh and pained screams just seem like any other run-of-the-mill metal video. 

Extra points if you get some kick-ass onesies made for the occasion that say “Mazel Tov” in that unreadable black metal font. Now not only have you been there for this huge moment in your sister’s life, you have ensured that her baby will be cool as hell. Rock on, lil’ one.

Get Your Pupils Dilated

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Eye health is important, and often overlooked. The value of regular checkups and screening for things like cataracts and retina damage shouldn’t be forgotten. Luckily for us, here we have an opportunity to both guarantee our long-term ocular health, while also making this event much easier on the eyes, literally. It might be hard on such short notice, but find yourself an optometrist and go in for a pupil dilation the morning of the birth.

Then, when you get the call, hop in an Uber and zip over to the site of the baby’s new beginning. Tell your sister and family that you couldn’t get your optometrist appointment changed, but that you wouldn’t miss this moment for anything. They might think that’s weird, but also, a birth is happening, so who’s going to really want to get into it? Now, you and your wraparound grandma shades can attend and take in the miracle of birth in beautiful, forgiving, reverse high definition. Now, instead of a clear, anatomical maelstrom, you can basically witness the birth as a reddish, vague kaleidoscope.

Now this one is definitely a bit of a last resort, but also serves to be absolutely undeniable. The birth of a child, by necessity, requires a fairly sterile environment, which humans figured out after a couple millennia. The danger of infection is a great risk to a newborn and a recovering mother. With this in mind, the solution is clear and simple: you must become the infection.

So, first off, find you a monkey. One that has the titular pox. Slather yourself in banana and peanut butter smoothie and let that thing go to town biting you like a piranha fresh off a crash diet. Now, you get to prepare an apologetic, but completely undeniable phone call explaining why you can’t attend the birth, mainly that you have contracted a rare disease. Extra plus: you probably don’t have to go to work for a while! Extra con: you are suffering from monkeypox. Oh, well. No such thing as a free lunch!

Receive A Troubling Prophecy

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This solution may have differing levels of mileage depending on how spiritual the sister and immediate family are. That said, considering that we’re talking about a home birth here, I see a fairly high chance of success. We can use that to provide a good excuse for your absence without the lesions and fevers associated with physical disease as in the above option.

Get on Yelp, or walk around downtown until you find yourself a psychic or fortune teller. Make sure it’s one of the good, old-school, doom and gloom ones. Glorified horoscopes aren’t going to cut it here. You need some real knuckle-bones, crystal ball, tarot-cards-owned-by-a-dead-man energy. Somebody with long fingernails and even longer ear hair. Now, simply get a terrifying warning of great doom and misfortune should you attend the birth of your niece or nephew. Now you can simply explain that as much as you would love to attend, to do so would be to spit in the face of the gods themselves. Thanks, Madame Something or other!

Hope this helps! I am also not liable for results if you do any of these. Anyways, congratulations and good luck!

Top Image: 

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