The 7 Saddest Questions On Yahoo Answers

Asking a question and hoping for an honest answer is an anxiety-inducing situation for everyone from sixth-graders who need help with their homework to journalists walking into the White House press briefing room. But there is one place on the internet that wants to encourage people to not be afraid, a place that truly believes that there is no such thing as a stupid question. And that place is Yahoo Answers, home of the stupid question. Unfortunately, Yahoo's question asking population quietly descended into madness when no one was looking.

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7
"What Song Is [Insert Gibberish Onomatopoeia Here]?"[/subtitle]
In 2008, the Shazam app gave us the ability to press a button on our phones and learn the name and artist of that annoying song playing over the speakers in the grocery store. The problem with Shazam, however, is that it can't decipher humming, whistling, or even your best attempt at not butchering the chorus. Luckily, Yahoo Answers is there to fill in the gaps Shazam has left behind. Behold:

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It's either Saint-Saens' Concerto No. 2 in G minor or "Smell Yo Dick."

After probably having alienated all their loved ones by incessantly humming to them, a surprisingly large number of very optimistic people come to Yahoo Answers to ask the impossible: for others to recognize a song based on them typing out the beat phonetically. If only there was a better way to write down music that would make this process incredibly easy.

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Usually, it works as well as you'd expect:

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That's not wrong.

But, and it beggars belief, this lunatic method can actually work. Occasionally, two people with the same brain defect meet, solve the unsolvable puzzle, and by the laws of the cosmos must spend their lives together as soulmates.

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"Fell In Love With A (Yahoo! Answers) Girl"

While some of these e-hummers have to be joking, the sheer quantity of questions like these prove that there are people legitimately trying to figure out how to recreate music from random noises like they're in the most underprepared community theater version of The Sound Of Music ever. And yet that might make this the most beautiful corner of the internet. Because when they solve the madness, it's magical. And even when they don't, it shows the internet at its most helpful and benevolent.

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"And also something about Hitler."

6
Seeking A Spell To Transform Into A Mythical Creature

If the writers of Season 13 of Supernatural are running low on plot ideas (and surely they must be, as there are only so many excuses for Jensen Ackles to take his shirt off), someone should tell them about Yahoo Answers, a place that houses the most secret of arcane lore: the ability to change a human being into many different creatures. At least, that seems to be the opinion of a whole bunch of people scouring the website for these spells.

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There's no spell. You have to be bitten by one. How do you love vampires but not know this?

Not that they all want to transform into horrid creatures of the night, feasting on the blood of whatever gym coach wronged them. Some folks just need help turning into a mermaid.

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"And also does Victoria's Secret have seashell bras?"

Ironically, others who already are mermaids need help turning into humans. Surely, there's a way to kill two fish people with one stone here? It can't be harder to find a Freaky Friday incantation than two whole polymorph spells, right?

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Well, we could have helped you before Prince Eric fucked that all up.

For what is essentially a harmless group of confused people, the site reveals two disheartening trends. The first is that all of these people seem to be very well aware that people are going to make fun of them. Even most liberal-minded folks have a hard time not openly scoffing at the concept of Otherkin, a group of (not?) people who believe that their body does not match their species. If you believe that spiritually you're an earthworm, follow your bliss and don't mistake the tapping of bird feet for rain.

Much more deserving of some mockery are the numerous people who are really into telling these folks why it's not possible to turn into another species. Seriously, look at the replies below any of those perfectly harmless questions. People go nuts. One person who claims to be a nurse replied with a nearly thousand-word essay explaining to a young girl why she fundamentally can't be a werewolf. Who precisely do we need to feel sorry for in that situation?

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5
Asking For Porn Instead Of, You Know, Searching For It

It's 2017. Porn is more easily accessible than clean drinking water. No more hiding magazines under a rock in the woods, no more awkward conversations with a cashier, and no more low-res boobs. So why in the tittyshitting hell are people asking other humans for porn on Yahoo Answers?

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By literally Googling those exact words.

Only now getting into emo porn? Who are these people who didn't experience their sexual awakening alongside the triumphant rise of My Chemical Romance? Apparently, some folks have never heard of Rule 34, which of course also includes plenty of zombie porn and/or hentai for all to discover.

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"Fairy tail" is a wonderfully serendipitous typo.

If we're being honest, the answers are more alarming than the questions. "Zombies are completely asexual"? Maybe you're simply not their type, buddy. And who is this user with just enough self-awareness to not look up hentai at school, but who is then spending their study hour searching Yahoo Answers for porn novices? Similarly, if you know what "Yaoi" is (we did not), you should probably know where the hell to find it better than the random yahoos in Yahoo Answers.

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But not all of these innocents are as innocent as they appear. Which brings us to Tumblr user "whitechickslovesasiandicks," who likes to ask questions like these:

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"Bitches love telemarketers."

He's also not helping his cause by posting a video that was obviously filmed as part of a Human Resources seminar. And make no mistake, WCLAD has a cause, which is why he starts answering his own questions -- and being super obvious about it:

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"And you can't even make enough burner accounts to upvote your own post?"

It seems his questions show up often enough on Yahoo Answers that people want to know how to stop him. At least we know now what he really gets off to: anything with a circlejerk.

4
People Are Directing Questions To Christians For No Clear Reason

When in doubt, Christians have a handy saying that can guide them through difficult decisions: What Would Jesus Do? And while the real answer would be either "Give everything away to the poor" or "Freak out at the metal horse racing down the street," merely asking the question can give people the necessary perspective to figure things out. But what do non-Christians do when faced with a tough question? They can't ask Christ for answers, after all. But thanks to Yahoo Answers, they can ask a Christian.

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"Of course there are male cats -- though they have one less rib."

Without getting into the Great Garfield Gender Debate, there's no reason to direct this kind of question to Christians as a whole. The questions aimed at Christians vary on a scale from "Normal" to "Batshit on a Unicycle Tire." Basically, what's most bizarre here is that these folks seem to think that Christians aren't normal, everyday people. They're treating different systems of belief like they're different alien entities.

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"Hope atheists like it 500 degrees ... like in Hell!"

We get it, maybe it seems like Christianity is a bastion of inclusion. Jesus hung out with the lowest of the low in society, so it would only make sense that Christians could help this poor fella out with his social skills. However, not all of these seem to be pleas from the wretched.

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Matthew 19:24: "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a BMW owner to enter the kingdom of God."
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Look, we hate to stereotype, but if you're asking Christians about cars, you're most likely going to end up driving a hatchback with a fish sticker on the rear bumper. Also, feel free to assume that they're too busy. On a related note, they're also not specially trained to advise you on whether or not to put a deposit down on a two-bedroom condo.

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Accommodations 14:26: "A man shall have no fewer than three bedrooms to improve resale values."

Although ...

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And suddenly the OP could no longer speak English.

3
People Are Really Worried About Their Skin Changing Color

While we hate to get political about the ridiculous realm that is Yahoo Answers, it seems that our fragile social climate has reached its shores. Every day, people flock to the website with their important questions about skin color. Questions like:

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No, but if you fart enough in the tub, you'll get a hell of a caffeine enema.

As we've written before, bathing in coffee is totally fine. Enjoy your buzz. What makes this an issue is that way too many people are starting to believe that humans are in fact chameleons.

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"Do women like it when you inflate your throat pouch on a first date?"

Luckily, one reply seemed to have a firm grasp on the situation:

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Once again, that's not wrong.

Though we understand fully why people would get worried about becoming part of the much-maligned cult of orange people.

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"Unlike the 'You're Fired' tattoo on your shoulder, orange skin is totally reversible."
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The reality is that it's technically a thing that could happen, but mostly to children. It's nothing to seriously worry about. Same for the people who are freaking the holy hell out over jewelry turning their skin green. It's nothing to panic over.

2
How To Make Body Parts Grow

All men on the internet have been offered a link that promises secrets to enlarge their fun-carrot. But eventually, those kinds of secrets require a credit card (we've heard). To find free help for enhancing your body parts -- and we do mean all body parts -- once again Yahoo Answers comes to the rescue.

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It ain't all about dicks. Take that, Freud.

Most questions do revolve around the fun zones, but hint at a sad history in which the askers are clearly innocent folks who weren't taught what they need to know. Look, there are numerous critics of the way sex ed works in this country, and most of them tend to forget that sex ed isn't just about sex, but also about the numerous changes a person's body will go through in puberty. So when the system fails our minors, they have no choice but to turn to the sages from Yahoo Answers for their Q's about enlarging their boobs or penis.

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Sorry kid, olive oil barely does anything for chicken breasts.

But no body part is safe from these insecurities. It seems that many teens worry their bodies won't grow on their own, but need a helping hand. Kids are worrying about everything from teeth growth affecting their braces, to eyebrow growth, to bicep growth. Let's hope Yahoo Answers is as ineffectual as it seems, because if these kids ever get their wish, there are going to be some fucked-up Cronenbergian humans milling around in a few years.

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But also some pretty cool dudes.

1
Spam Conspiracy Theory Madness

Much like syphilis, conspiracy theories are fun to spread and hard to get rid of. It should come as no surprise that Yahoo, with its terrifyingly bad security, has gotten the conspiracy bug. And as Yahoo's crotch, Yahoo Answers seems to be taking the brunt of the infection. But instead of the typical local girls / quick weight loss spam, Yahoo Answers is being flooded with conspiracy theories.

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"Also, if anyone has seen my lithium, DM me please."

That same reply was posted to multiple separate questions pertaining to leg pain, one about getting rejected by a woman, and another about cleaning a library. There's little rhyme or reason to it, but it seems that there's more than one person spreading similar stuff. They start with some wildly unnecessary explanation of how to make the Christian Sign of the Cross, decry a bunch of other religions, and then proceed to describe a whole bunch of Russian Orthodox gibberish that would make even Vladimir Putin roll his eyes.

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Jesus is cool and all, but if it comes down to it, we're following the flying man with laser eyes.

That screencap is from one guy who has been at this shit for years. He started off with small paragraphs like the one up there, but over time, his madness has grown. Nobody seems amused.

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"... and then Becky told Chrissy that she heard Brad tell Alex at Anthropologie that Lacey from Bayview saw ..."

He keeps going -- and we keep saying "he" because it's impossible to imagine this guy looking like anything other than Alex Jones with a fedora. And over time, he's even added sources and tacked them onto the bottom of his "answers." He's citing photos from LiveJournal, which most people will remember was largely populated by seventh-graders who thought bands like Linkin Park were "edgy."

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Yahoo Answers might have had its place in the world, but at this point, all it seems to be good for is harboring the internet's "chaotic neutral" population. So thanks for running the asylum, Yahoo Answers.

Isaac never wants to have to take a screengrab again. He's also on Twitter and Instagram.

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