Welcome to Everything Is Gaming with Carolyn Page. I’m here to revel in and reveal all of the ways that gaming and life intersect. I’ve written about some heavier topics like my crappy dating history or how video games brought me and my dad closer together. But today it’s time to talk about unbridled joy and pure aesthetic gold: it’s time to pay homage to the chonky video game truck.

Gaming is ultimately a power fantasy. And nothing feels more powerful than a big ol’ chonky truck. Some of us spend wide swaths of our lives searching for the high of driving a honkin’ rig around. Which explains why Florida, a mostly flat state with well kept roads and no snow, has so many dang F-150’s driving around. 

There’s a venn diagram I’ve scientifically figured out that encapsulates what it takes to make a truck feel truly good to drive in a game. The factors are three fold:

Speed

 

Many gamers live and die (in game) by a simple motto: gotta go fast. And this is definitely true for driving a truck around. No one wants a slow ride in video games. Even the Desert Bus folks are trying to get to Vegas as fast as they can. Going fast = good times.

Invincibility

 

In gaming, trucks are to the road what tanks are to MMOs: big bois meant to take a lot of damage. Nothing feels quite as good as running an NPC off the road (or running them over) in a big old truck. And knowing that your PC won’t take damage is part of the fun. 

Chonkiness

 

They say “more cushion for the pushin”. But there’s another saying I just made up “more truckin for the f***in”. Both facts are true. It’s near orgasmic to trundle a chunky, chonky truck over any obstacle in a game. And when you catch some air and come down with a perfectly weighted chonkin’ landing? That’s the good stuff.

Now that we’ve established our Totally Rad User Criteria or TRUC, let’s take a look at some of the best beefy rides of all time.

Warthog from ‘Halo’

 

Microsoft

The galaxy is yours to save/drive right over.

These bad boys are right in the sweet spot of speed, strength, and sheer chonky energy. This ride is pretty much as synonymous with Halo games as Master Chief is. Not only can you crash through Grunts like an actual warthog crashes through a swarm of crocodiles, you can bring friends along while doing it. Whatever you feel about the Halo series, you probably did the Leo pointing meme at the TV when the ‘hog came on screen.

Ford F-150 in ‘Rocket League’

 

Psyonix

They even made a real one (sans actual rocket launcher).

Soccer meets monster truck rally is truly one hell of a pitch for a video game. And they absolutely nailed it. Boppin’ around with your buddies, bouncing an oversized soccer ball at each other, and driving a fatty truck is as close to heaven as most of us poor sinners will ever get. Ford and Rocket League devs collaborated on designing a souped up F-150 model for the game that quickly became a fan favorite. Especially in Florida (probably).

Vapid Trophy Truck ‘GTA V’

 

Rockstar Games

She's a chonky girl and she's the girl for me.

Vapid, a fictional car maker in Grand Theft Auto V is modeled after famed U.S. car maker Ford. The Vapid Trophy Truck was released as part of the ‘Cunning Stunts’ update and this baby is meant to off-road. High suspension, silky smooth but still chonkin’ turns, it’s a dream to drive and a blast to do ridiculous in-game physics experiments with. 

All The Trucks in ‘Euro Truck Simulator 2’

 

SCS Software

Peace and good mileage be with you.

Guys want one thing and it’s f***ing disgusting truck realism. Euro Truck Simulator 2 has a name which is incredible to say to a group of non-gamers and some of the most realistic driving in video games. When Death Stranding released and fans half joked that it was a delivery simulator, Euro Truck players doffed their mesh sided baseball caps and said a collective “first time eh?” This game strives for realism, which means feeling like the king of the road as you travel across Europe in a big ass, chonky truck. 

The M35 Mako from ‘Mass Effect’

 

EA

Don't listen to what anyone else says, I will always love you. 

Oh Mako, my Mako. I long for the days when I played Mass Effect for the first time. The original game is perfection. You could cruise over alien landscapes and just constantly flip over. This is the granddaddy of chonkers. Some fans complain about the Mako, it’s cool down time, it’s unwieldiness, it’s tendency to constantly flip over… To them I say, have you no soul? Can you not handle the chonk? Clearly, these naysayers must live joyless, chunky boi free lives. And that makes me weep oily gasoline tears.

I hope you’ve enjoyed chatting about trucks today. Happy driving and happy gaming.

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