The American Pie Series: How It Descends Into Madness

Tara Reid is ready to get friendly with pastry again. Last year, the actress told Entertainment Tonight that she’s all tarted up for American Pie 5. “We have to get all (the actors’) schedules together,” said Reid, whose calendar appears to be open. “When you grow up with someone and you get your first breaks with someone, you can never forget that.”

So … wait. Somewhere out in the straight-to-video galaxy, there are four other American Pie movies? Well, no. Try nine -- some of which barely take place in the same cinematic cosmos. Follow us into the multiverse of masturbatory madness as we lower ourselves into the depths of this insane teen-sex series, movies united only by Eugene Levy as He Who Remains.

1 American Pie (1999)

We’ll cut the original American Pie some slack. It was a clever reinvention of 1980s sex comedies, with the guys slightly less lecherous and the girls with brains and desires of their own. Whereas

Porkys felt sleazy, American Pie was borderline sweet. (Until Jason Biggs was done with it, anyway.) And Levy is actually funny as a well-meaning but ineffectual doofus-dad who wants to educate his kid about the birds, the bees, and the buttercream.

2 American Pie 2 (2001)

Unfortunately, the original’s charm fades fast--and we’re only on movie #2. The gang’s in college now, with a beach house getaway the site of another round of horny hijinks. The whole thing is as stale as a day-old muffin, and scenes with Chris Penn as Stifler’s dad were sliced after test screenings went poorly. Shannon Elizabeth refused to do another nude scene for this round -- she clearly saw where all of this was headed.

3 American Wedding (2003)

The series briefly comes back to life, primarily by giving Alyson Hannigan more to do. She was in the background for much of the original (when she wasn’t stealing scenes with her band camp flute). Now front and center, she brings sweet charm to the proceedings. Bonus points for Eugene Levy once again catching his adult son in some weird, clandestine sex act. (At least Jim has a partner this time.)

4 American Pie Presents: Band Camp (2005)

And the madness begins with this crack in the AmericanPieVerse. This direct-to-DVD debacle stars absolutely no one we recognize from the original films (except, of course, Eugene Levy, who watches over the AmericanPieVerse like some cosmic voyeur who has sworn not to intervene). Stifler’s younger brother pulls some Revenge of the Nerds-style tech-voyeur pranks that are desperately unerotic and completely inessential.

5 American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile (2006)

The Tesseract is missing and only Eugene Levy can secure it before the AmericanPieVerse splits into a hundred laughless duplicates of itself. Yet another Stifler comes seeking the Virginity Stone and surprisingly, ends the movie with his cherry pie intact. Did we mention the midget fraternity?

6 American Pie Presents: Beta House (2007)

The AmericanPieVerse collides with Earth-69 (the National Lampoon planet), resulting in a movie that’s essentially “one of the Stifler offspring joins Animal House.” Sexy hijinks ensue, helped along by Beta House alum Eugene Levy ruling over the competing frats’ Greek Olympiad. Someone has sex with a sheep.

7 American Pie: The Book of Love (2009)

With the help of the Sexhold, a magical tome full of sultry secrets, Levy summons more chaos to the AmericanPieVerse. Movie universes collide once again as Bug Hall (Alfalfa from The Little Rascals movie!) seeks Levy’s mentorship in the ways of collegiate coitus. Disturbing.

8 American Reunion (2012)

With Levy uttering a spell from the Book of Love, the series’ original heroes return to the AmericanPieVerse! Order is restored, albeit briefly, as the initial cast recaptures its sexual powers through a series of hilarious humiliations.

9 American Pie: Girls’ Rules (2020)

Like the assembling of a new Avengers, a fresh generation of female fumblers (including a Stifler sister!) seek the path to sexual discovery. Something is definitely amiss in the AmericanPieVerse, however, as Eugene Levy is apparently lost in the quantum realm counting his Schitt’s Creek residuals.

10 American Pie 5 (202?)

With Tara Reid eager to take on the beloved-heroine-falls-prey-to-dark-forces role, IMDB says Pie 5 “will be a holiday that has Jim and the crew getting in trouble in Vegas, USA.”

If Sam Raimi is available, we’re pretty sure we can get Levy.

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