Seinfeld: 15 Kramer Schemes, Ranked

15 Car Periscopes

Technically the idea comes from Jerry’s subconscious, but so does the entire show, right? Kramer’s idea is a car periscope so you can see the traffic up ahead. The idea is actually good enough that Larry David revisited the idea in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

14 The Peterman Reality Bus Tour

Kramer’s Peterman reality bus tours were actually based on Larry David’s former neighbor. He also started his own Kramer reality bus tour, which David took for the show. Now the Kramer on the show knows how it feels to have his likeness stolen!

13 The Tie Dispenser

The rollout tie dispenser had the potential to completely reinvent the way we look at non-rippable clothing. The essential idea is a tie that can be stained, ripped in half, then a new section of the tie could be rolled out. This idea would be perfect for businessmen who can’t get enough baby back ribs.

12 The Hello Loophole

Kramer tries to cash in on a bank's policy of giving you $100 if their tellers don’t say hello. When met with a “hey” by the teller Kramer insists on getting his cash. This scheme didn’t end up making too much dough for Kramer as he got 20 bucks because it was a greeting that starts with an H.

11 The Butter Shave

The butter shave, if you’re someone who shaves and watches Seinfeld, you gotta admit, you’ve at least thought about doing it. The butter shave was a great idea from Kramer consisting of using butter instead of shaving cream. This method might still work unless you’re vegan or live next to Newman.

10 The Oil Tank Bladder

This idea consists of a bladder system devoted to oil tankers. It’s essentially a rubber balloon that would catch any oil that may escape from a rupture on the tanker. In terms of real-world use, this idea is probably the most practical Kramer has had, if the execution wasn’t so awful.

9 The Bro/Mansierre

Frank Costanza wearing the mansierre has to be one of the best reaction shots in the history of Seinfeld. Kramer's idea of creating a bra to support older men's breasts was a home run of an idea, as you can ask anyone who has been in a men’s gym locker room.

8 The Executive Jacket

In what Jerry describes as “like the meeting of Smith and Wesson,” Kramer and Morty Seinfeld go into business selling Morty’s Executive trenchcoats. Sadly the business plan spirals out after a rather unpleasant moth-related incident, as business plans often do. 

7 The Bottle Deposit Scam

In the best Kramer/ Newman montage on the show, the duo realizes that when they load a mail truck with recycled cans that sell for ten cents in Michigan, they are in for a killing. This is a great scheme if it wasn’t yet again derailed by Kramer pursuing Jerry’s stolen car. They stood to make 500 dollars a man!

6 A Pizza Place Where You Make Your Own Pie

The origin of the idea dates all the way back to the first season when Kramer mentions the idea on Jerry’s phone. The idea really comes to fruition in season 6 when he goes into business with Poppi.

“It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh?”

5 Suing The Cigarette Companies

When opening a smoking club in his own apartment turns Kramer’s face to leather he and his lawyer Jackie Chiles attempt to sue the cigarette companies. This scheme was going to be a huge payout until Kramer swapped it for something better. 

Jerry: “You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?”

Kramer: “Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood! Everything I have I owe to this face. It's my allure. My twinkle!”

4 Suing the Coffee Company

In one of Kramer’s most hair-brained schemes, he blames a coffee shop for making his cafe latte too hot, which he spills on himself in a movie theater. This lampoons the real-life story of the woman who rightfully sued McDonald's for selling coffee that gave her third-degree burns. This idea was going to pay bountifully if Kramer didn’t settle for a lifetime supply of cafe lattes.

3 The Beach Cologne

An idea so good it was stolen by Calvin Klein! Kramer’s beach cologne turned out to be a million-dollar idea that he sold just for the chance to model in his Tightey Whities.

Steve: “Do you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and seaweed? That's why people take showers when they come home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odor."

Kramer: “So you don’t think it’s a good idea?”

2 Making It As An Actor In Hollywood

Doesn’t your heart break every time you see Kramer begging Fred Savage to give him the time of day? This scheme goes high on the list as it’s not just a scheme, it’s a dream. A dream scheme if you will. Also, I could watch the audition sequence on repeat all day.

1 The Coffee Table Book

Kramer’s coffee table book about coffee table books is the creme de la Kramer of ideas. Haven’t we all at one time wished we had that very book? This project spanned the entire season until Kramer self-sabotaged the whole deal by spitting all over Regis and Kathy Lee.

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Top Image: NBC