What Your Favorite Game Franchise Says About Your Love Life
Gone are the days when the label “nerd” or “gamer” was synonymous with “virgin”. Nowadays, gamers are gettin’ laid. Heck, a lot of our hottest stars are gamers. And if sexy celebs like Henry Cavill are wearing their nerd cred proudly, that’s good news for the rest of us dorks. Gamers rule the day and are making sweet, sweet love around the world. But just like the games themselves, I got news for you buddy: gamers are all doin’ it differently. Each major gaming franchise has its own quirks and kinks, and so do the gamers who play them. So grab some protection and your favorite controller and/or lube, we’re breaking down what your favorite franchise says about you as a lover.
Halo. Solid as a rock, your lovers can count on you to get the job done. Whatever “job” that is. You’ll make sure everyone has a good time. You’re weirdly curious about vore.
Fortnite. You’re too young to be reading this article, go do your homework.
Call of Duty. EXTREME. You want to take it to the edge! To feel the thrill of loving many and leaving many. You’re a heartbreaker. Shame on you.
Elder Scrolls. Great kisser. Premature everything else.
Pokemon. Unlike your trainer alter ego who has “gotta catch ‘em all”, you’re a serial monogamist. Multiple partners could never work for you. Just like Ash and Pika you believe there is one soul mate for you. When you get to lovin’, you’re very attentive.
The Sims. In bed, you like to be in control. You’re a top or a power bottom honey pie. Occasionally though, you forget protection when you WooHoo. Which is a NoNo. Wrap it up so you don’t get a Nooboo (Simlish for baby, but you already knew that.)
Mario. You’re always ready to say “let’s a go!” to your f-buddy. But you haven’t had a real relationship in years or maybe ever because you’re afraid of commitment.
Fallout. Pansexuality is in. You’re here on this earth to taste the fruits of love baby. Anyone who isn’t open to new experiences, isn’t even on your radar. The Fallout fan is truly on a quest of self discovery. And ultimately the discovery of a good “o”.
Street Fighter. Horizontal sex bores you and you’re always trying to get into creative positions. But your mind wanders sometimes and you often fantasize about a celebrity or neighbor who you saw doing something mundane.
Final Fantasy. Everyone knows weebs cuddle the best. You’re a tender hearted lover who really feels a deep connection with your partner(s). You don’t have sex, you make love.
Fifa. Doggy style.
League of Legends. Deeply ashamed of your body, you try not to let it show. When you do get freaky though, you get FREAKY. And you have “auto attacked” yourself more than once to a picture of K/DA.
Grand Theft Auto. You think you’re a stud. And confidence is great. But you don’t always have to f*** her hard. In fact? Sometimes that’s not right to do. You are not a great listener in bed, but that’s a skill you can learn.
Zelda. Your sex is pretty vanilla now because you have a family. Your loving kids and spouse support you and are proud of you, but are ultimately a hindrance to you starting another BotW run.
Far Cry. Sex with you is never the same twice. Just like your favorite franchise keeps switching it up, you mix it up every time you get down. But also like Far Cry games, there’s just something about you that keeps people coming back. You often find yourself with clingy lovers you’d rather be rid of.
Dragon Quest. You are “Tim Rogers” sexual, meaning only attracted to Tim Rogers. And really, who can blame you.
Assassin’s Creed. Sexuality oozes out of you. You’re a god amongst mortals. There’s nothing you can’t do in the bedroom and you love the thrill of seducing someone.
Diablo. Your glory days are behind you, but you still find time for some afternoon delight every once in a while. Your favorite position was something complicated and bendy, but your knees just can’t take it anymore. Try yoga, be like Sting.
Madden. Missionary is not the only position people. Don’t be afraid to try new things. Your lovers will thank you.
Kingdom Hearts. The unassuming one who often watches from the sidelines, you’re a secret sexual dynamo who is absolutely mind blowing in the sack. Either that or your only physical contact is with a dakimakura.
Civilization. You actually don’t have sex because you “just one more turned” yourself out of your last relationship. But you don’t even care. Civ is life. Civ is love.
The Witcher. You cry after sex sometimes and that’s totally ok. Sometimes they’re happy tears of release. Sometimes they’re tears of shame because of your ultra conservative upbringing that you should work through with a therapist.
Mass Effect. You overthink sex all the time, but when you can actually get out of your head and into your body, you have a pretty good time.
Resident Evil. Incredibly selfish in bed! You won’t even let your one night stands stay the night because you’re worried about your precious sleep cycle getting thrown off in case they snore.
World of Warcraft. Toys, restraints, BDSM. You’ve got a whole treasure chest of goodies that you like… ok need to satisfy your ever growing appetites.
That's it! We've covered the entire range of human sexuality and every game franchise… Ok we left some games off this list, but hey, there’s only so much we can get away with publishing. We had Overwatch, Tekken, and FromSoft games on here but the descriptions were unspeakable. If you are totally traumatized from reading this article or reeling from the truth bombs we just exploded, check out some actual lessons from a sex therapist.