4 Horrifying Sex Toys That Prove We're Overthinking Sex
Every once in a while, the entities you know as Cracked columnists gather in an undisclosed basement to compare notes and bicker about whose Writing Barrel is the biggest. Ideas are thrown around, particularly odd items are ritually scrutinized (and occasionally nibbled). Sometimes, someone mentions a strange sex toy they've encountered during their travels. Usually, this is the point where everyone's heads slowly swivel to face me, calmly maintaining their unforgiving gazes until I cave in and skulk off to write another one of my sex toy columns. Why this is, I do not know. They just say I seem like the type.
Anyway, here's a bunch of dick jokes at the expense of sex toys that are so ridiculously over-engineered they seem less like genuine attempts at giving people pleasure and more like what would happen if the guy from Saw aimed his murdengineering skills directly at your junk. It probably goes without saying, but the links that follow are almost exclusively NSFW.
If the mysterious, secluded sex cult you belong to permits its members to watch only one YouTube video per day, for the love of the Crotch Lord, let it be this one:
Those glorious 49 seconds make a wonderfully pompous attempt to depict the history of the wheel, showcasing everything from clumsy prehistoric stone things to high-tech car tires, complete with era-appropriate sound effects and a general feeling of speed ... ladies.
No, seriously, ladies. All that burning rubber and those crushing granite tires are meant to turn you on, because the final stage of the metamorphosis is this fucking thing:
This is what happens if you listen to Gene Simmons' solo albums on a Sony Discman.
Yes, ma'am, that is indeed a wheel full of tongues. This unfortunate device is called Sqweel 2, which I assume implies that it's a wheel that makes you squeal, and now we all have slightly less of our soul left because we had to trudge through this sentence, and I'm sorry. A sequel to the fairly popular Sqweel, the world's supposedly greatest oral simulator for women, Sqweel 2 works in the exact way that you suspect. It even has changeable squealin' wheels, which are called Sqweelers, because there's always a way to make things even more uncomfortable.
Note that I'm not saying this product isn't functional; as a dude, that's not my place. I'm merely implying that a tongue-infested lashwheel with 1990s design aesthetic might not be the most sexy thing to apply to your nether regions, though its best-seller status seems to imply there's something to it. Shit, apparently, Cosmopolitan itself has tested Sqweel and given it a glowing review. And while I have no problem believing that Cosmo would be in cahoots with S'quel, the demon king with a thousand tongues, I personally choose to believe the Amazon user reviews, some of which paint a slightly ... different picture:
Portable Glory Hole
Glory holes are a popular porn genre, the most accessible of example of which is that thing in the browser window you have open right behind this one, don't pretend that you don't, STEVE. Personally, I don't see the appeal. I get the fantasy aspect of the whole "stick your stuff in a random hole in a toilet stall wall and inexplicably turn on the pretty lady on the other side" thing, but it just seems like something a confused dude might actually try right before writing a 30,000-word manifesto about how the complete lack of blow jobs and copious amounts of restraining orders this brings him violate ethics in video game journalism.
That being said, if you're into glory hole antics enough to bring your game to the real world, that shit is pretty much the easiest DIY sex toy there is: drill a hole in some plywood, insert dong, hope like hell your partner is into this shit. Course, even if you forget to secure a willing partner, well, something's bound to happen sooner or later if you're patient enough.
Natural selection, most likely.
What was that? That sounds far too sane? You want to skip all the work and get straight to the sweet, community-terrorizing nuts-on-ply action? Fuck it, it's your rap sheet. Have a portable glory hole:
"Use it at: HOME, HOTELS, RESORTS, CRUISESHIPS, PARTIES, and more" -actual website quote
Yes, potential buyers of that fucking thing whom I hope I'll never meet: it's a $250 portable stall wall that you can attach to a door frame or suitably narrow corridor to turn any situation into an improvised attack of the partition dongmonster. Is this erotic? Shit no. Exotic? Most certainly, much like the rash you'll develop in the deep jungles where you're going to spend the rest of your life hiding from the angry mob that'll grab pitchforks the second you whip out this thing in public.
Tragically, it looks like the world will never find out the true allure of spontaneously spawning glory holes, as the manufacturer has discontinued the product. Perhaps, one day, it will return. Until then, non-DIY-minded perverts will have to keep sticking their junk in random holes and hoping for the best.
"OH GOD THE TEETH!!!"
DISCLAIMER: The second page of this column contains GIFs of absurd, mechanized rubber dongs flopping about, so if you're reading this at work, there's a moderate to high chance your boss will spot you giggling at them and you'll wind up spending the rest of the day making awkward small-talk about fuck chairs with him.
You can laugh at the stupid-looking thing wrapped around the world's most terrified cucumber in the above picture. I certainly did. However, the unfortunately named Electric Eel is the odd man out on this list, because at its core it's not very ridiculous at all.
No, I tell a lie; it's ridiculous as fuck, and very much a product of rampant over-engineering. Electric Eel is basically a digital condom, full of conductive threads of electrodes that bring the user the sort of stimulation normal condoms (and, presumably, most other things that aren't straight-up electrical sockets) are unable to offer. The product is currently at its second prototype stage; the first prototype was a fairly normal condom with a bunch of wiring.
Yeah, that sock thing is the more advanced prototype.
You know what? I'm not really comfortable with this. I mean, I'd love to mock the shit out of this electric sock dick harness. It costs like $350 to get a prototype of your own. Some terrifying version of it is probably going to wind up on the shelf of your local Bone-o-Rama eventually. However, at the end of the day, this is an attempt to make condoms more pleasurable and, with that, tackle the issue of the tons of people refusing to wear them.
Who wouldn't want to replace that awkward latex layer with a wired boner pajama?
Yeah, the whole "people don't wear condoms" thing is still a huge fucking health issue worldwide, and it's not just because of the Catholic Church. In fact, it's a big enough challenge that the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation has made the creation of a "Next Generation Condom" one of its top priorities. When Bill Gates starts talking about fuckin' paraphernalia, the world better goddamn take note.
So, yeah, no mocking potential future super condoms here. Go check the Electric Eel website or whatever.
Right, that's my Responsible Adult Meter filled for the day. Let's get back to business ...
Over-the-Top Fuck Machines
If you somehow made it this far in the column and expected to see anything other than GIFs of sadly flopping boner-balls, I'm sorry to say your quest has been in vain. There is no prize for you here. Have this picture of a kitten to soothe your way to the next article, and for the love of God, don't scroll past it. There be dragons.
You can tell this kitten has clearly seen some shit.
For those of you brave enough to cross the Pussy Barrier (patent pending), I have two sad words: fuck machines. Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against people constructing things that other people bone, as long as everyone gets enjoyment out of it and no one gets injured because someone had a bright idea to make a DIY fucksaw. It's just that I can't shake the feeling that there must be more effecient ways for people to quench the fire in their loins than, say, this goddamn fuckball:
The day someone attaches that thing to an A10 Cyclone SA is the day the apocalypse begins.
Yes, despite looking like something you'd hit with a mallet at a Dutch fun fair, this portable Whack-a-Mole dong is a sex toy called -- I shit you not -- Star Fuck, and you're totally supposed to sit on it. Does this seem alluring? Of course it doesn't, that's a bowling ball with a dick and a handle. The only way I can see anyone getting any modicum of enjoyment out of that thing is if they plant it among the balls in a Bible Belt bowling alley and watch everyone's head explode. Yet, it's one of the saner fare of Machine Pleasure, a company truly dedicated to gloriously over-engineered rubber dong holders. How gloriously? Pogo Stick Dildo gloriously.
"Taking over two years to design and perfect, it meets the standards of a highly refined instrument, using aircraft parts, super-durable and unbreakable nylon, and anodized aluminum that meets the demanding requirements of the medical community." -actual product description.
I want you to stare at that picture of the pogo dong for a solid minute, then close your eyes and attempt to imagine a way to use it that doesn't end with a trip to the ER thanks to a fall, internal tear, or an angry mob mistaking you for some strange sex-themed Spring-Heeled Jack and chasing you off a cliff. Can't be done.
But what if you, a hardcore boning-machine aficionado, have managed to defy the odds and actually meet a partner? How ... how does that work? Do you just settle for plain old sex? Don't be absurd! For these special occasions, there's the Monkey Rocker Tango:
"Dildos sold separately."
Look, the field of erotic attraction is a large and wide-spanning one, and I have no doubt that there are plenty of romantic situations that might theoretically benefit from access to a double-dicked space-age rocking chair. That is, until you realize that it's just two of these things strapped together:
Introduce any potential partner to a double portion of that thing, and I guarantee the only fucking they're going to do will happen in the general direction of off. Still, as wonderfully insane as these things are, it must be said that at least they seem to be pretty elaborately designed and built. It's not as if they've just started modding power drills into sex machines and expecting people to fuck th-
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
For more from Pauli, check out 10 Sex Toys That Make Your Weirdest Fetish Seem Sane and 8 Ridiculous Sex Toys for the Budget-Conscious.