15 Brian Regan Jokes for the Hall of Fame

“The lamest crime is loitering. You imagine a guy with a 30-page rap sheet that’s all loitering. What do you do with a guy like that? Throw him in jail, where he can’t go anywhere?”

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Netflix's 'Roald Dahl-verse' Could Get Pretty Dark If They Follow His Books

Netflix's 'Roald Dahl-verse' Could Get Pretty Dark If They Follow His Books

What could make more sense than the Roald Dahl Cinematic Universe? Think about it. All the stories you loved as kids, mingling together in one fantastic world. Well, thanks to Netflix, it’s coming

The Matildaverse could follow Matilda as she faces other enemies such as the Witches from The Witches, the BFG from The BFG, and capitalism from The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Secondary antagonist: this horrible face.

As Matilda covers the world, she can encounter the other children from the Willy Wonka movie, each film ending with them winning a golden ticket before Matilda bursts into the Chocolate Factory to free the enslaved Oompa Loompas. 

Of course, some of Dahl's other stories feature antagonists a bit more saucy than mad confectionares. Just saying, the woman who murders her husband with a leg of lamb before cooking it and serving it to his friends seems a bit harder to deal with than Miss Trunchbull (who will probably be revealed to be her cousin in the post-credit scene).

Some other Dahl stories hedge a bit more HBO Max than Disney+, but there are a few more troublesome files in the Dahl catalog. Even his tamer stuff is full of adult material, including Alfred Hitchcock Presents adaptations (like a story about a degenerate gambler who bets his life savings on a boat ride and ends up jumping overboard), or a nuclear war ending mankind, and stories that start at the tame end, like perfume creating an extra sexual sense. (Is the perfume snozzberry scented?)

Oh, speaking of the pervy perfume, it’s from a short story featuring one of Roald Dahl’s most beloved creations.

Who could forget Uncle Oswald? See, Roald Dahl wasn't just a writer of kids' stories; he was also deeply screwed up. He created a character named Oswald, known as the world's greatest fornicator, who appeared in dozens of stories, including ones published in Playboy. One collection featuring Oswald stories, Switch Bitch (great start), had a story called “The Last Act,” described by Roald Dahl as an attempt to write about "murder by f**king," and described by others as "sexual sadism at its cruelest." The story is about a gynecologist, his ex, and then some horrible stuff we're not gonna talk about on a comedy site.

Of course, all of this is ignoring that Dahl's antisemitism was so bad that his family released a post-humous apology letter for it. But hey, Taika Waititi's making an animated Charlie and the Chocolate Factory show, and the Matilda musical is coming, so … that's cool … right? 

Top Image: Tri-Star Pictures

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