Production companies are machines dedicated to pulling the lifeblood out of everything you've ever liked until it's a desiccated husk, all joy and flavor bled out drip by profitable drip. It's not just Disney who does this; a lot of other people attempt to get in on the act, though some more ineptly than others. This leads to a bunch of beautiful things people love having shameless cash-in sequels they didn't know existed, like how ... 

Rosemary's Baby Grew Up Super Lame

Rosemary's Baby is the world's best movie made by someone you would dick punch in the streets if you met him. It's about a woman moving into an apartment building and having odd dreams, seeing things, believing her husband is conspiring with nosy neighbors, and ultimately being impregnated by the devil to bring about the end of times. A fun time for the whole family ... provided none of the family is underage, because if so, keep them far away from Roman Polanski.

Don't Google him. Actually, scratch that. Do Google him. 

Despite it being made by someone whose future grave will most certainly be peed on, Rosemary's Baby is a classic film that captivated everyone to the point that, as with all things that are good, it wasn't allowed to die a sweet death and was instead hooked up to the machine called ABC's Friday Night Movies.

Yes, the sequel to Rosemary's BabyLook What's Happened to Rosemary's Baby (gotta get the whole previous title in there, hunh), about the evil son of Rosemary knocking some kids over and generally just kinda being dragged around different places while they talk about how evil he could be, aired on the same network that brought you Boy Meets World and Modern Family

This let's-call-it-an-homage to The Omen veers off to include the demon-boy attempting to become slightly chiller only for — trigger warning and surprise! — just like his mother, he gets raped and ends up having a child with a woman who is also a part of the cult that trapped his mother. 

Who is this new baby? Why is it better than him? What was his purpose? He almost became evil while dancing to rock music while young people danced tittily at him, which … apparently was more corrupting than the spilling of blood.

Look What’s Happened to Rosemary’s Baby

ABC

Cinema.

He does almost nothing in the whole film and then runs away. But don't worry, there's a grandbaby of Satan, and this one will actually be nasty.

Look What’s Happened to Rosemary’s Baby

ABC

This one jaywalks

There was also a book sequel called Son of Rosemary, as well as an unrelated short sequel in the film XX. One has Rosemary in a coma for 30-odd years and ends with her either dreaming the books as a prophecy or her waking up in Hell about to relive torture. The other has Satan just being the biggest buttmunch. But neither of them aired on the channel that brought us General Hospital, so honestly, who cares?

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101 Dalmatians Was Followed By Attack Dogs From SPAAAACE

Everyone remembers 101 Dalmatians, the movie about a woman who wants to skin the title to make a coat? It's about a bunch of Dalmatians stolen by a fashion designer who has such an obsessive desire to be on the cutting edge she wants to kill and skin puppies. It's the wildest movie

101 Dalmations

Walt Disney Pictures

It ends with a song about opening a Dalmatian plantation.

The only thing wilder than that is if you make a prequel to it where the fashion designer was actually an anarchist fighting against the bourgeoisie after her mom was killed by rich Dalmatians. Except you're wrong because before Cruella even existed, there already was a bonkers 101 Dalmatians story. See, 101 Dalmatians is based on a book—and that book has a sequel.

The Starlight Barking starts when every human being in the world falls asleep. Yes, you read that right, and all other animals too. Except for dogs. After Pongo freaks out a little bit, his worries are reassured by the television, which, like every television, is taken over to dispense a message to all dogs everywhere, to be outside in a starlit place by midnight. What about dogs in a place where it's daytime? They can't get to a place like that in time! Don't worry; every dog in the entire world gains the ability of swooshing

Starlight Barking

William Heinemann Ltd.

Swooshing—just do it.

This grants them the ability to levitate off the ground and fly around like mini-rocket ships. And in case anyone gets lost while they're zipping around like Iron Man, all of them can now telepathically talk.

What about Cruella, though, you ask? Don't worry, there's a subplot where a cat tries to kill her. The cat was named an honorary dog, so she's still awake and believes Cruella is the cause of all this. However, she's asleep too, and now into tin coats instead of fur coats, which ... okay, girl, you do you.

Starlight Barking

William Heinemann Ltd.

A visionary.

Eventually, they find out that all of these gifts are given to them by Sirius, the Dog-Star, who arrives on Earth to announce his good tidings. The Earth and humanity are doomed, but he has come to take the dogs home with him. He admits he's lonely and wants them to avoid the fast-approaching threat of nuclear war. But instead of taking this offer of heavenly peace, Pongo convinces the other dogs that they need to be loyal to humans but that dogs will look at the sky sometimes? Which Sirius takes because it's better than nothing. 

Good Burger Had A Globetrotting Follow-Up

Good Burger started as a sketch on All That, the kid's version of SNL that featured Kenan and Kel (one of whom is now a long star of SNL) in a restaurant called Good Burger where shenanigans would ensue. Because it was the '90s and we hadn't discovered that comic book adaptations could sell if given money, sketch adaptations were all the rage, and "Hey, this is one that exists. Good Burger, that's funny, for some reason, right?"

The first film was about Ed (Kel) creating a special sauce that's good enough to drive McLegallydifferentenoughnottogetsued out of town leading them to try and seduce him and poison the sauce before their dastardly deeds are found out, and they're sent to McJail. The movie was ... okay. It wasn't It's Pat, and it wasn't Wayne's World, but for '90s kids who had already seen Space Jam, it was all right. However, if it had been just a tiny bit better, the world would've gotten Good Burger 2 Go.

Good Burger

Paramount Pictures

And then Good Burg3r, the one where robots replace them as cashiers, and then the sequel where they’re old.

GB2G would've featured Kenan and Kel dealing with ... licensing issues? Good Burger needs a license to sell Ed's sauce which they've run out of, but Ed's gone because he's returning money to a customer and gets kidnapped

It led to a globe-trotting adventure, taking them out of the restaurant and around the world, finding love, sauce, and not doing their goddamn jobs, lazy, ungrateful kids nowadays. Luckily enough, the second film doesn't exist (that's not the good part). However (wait for it) you can buy it as a book (there's the good part). Of course, if we wait long enough, eventually, Nickelodeon will run out of other shows to reboot, and we'll finally get Good Burger 2 Go on screens.

Good Burger 2 Go

Aladdin

But TV screens, 12 hours spread across 10 weeks, and only on Paramount+. 

The Author Won't Let Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Die

Everyone knows about Roger Rabbit, the movie about a rabbit having sex with a lounge singer while a genocidal judge invents toll roads. You might even know that the film was based, although incredibly loosely, on a book by Gary K. Wolfe called Who Censored Roger Rabbit? about a darker world where Roger was murdered, toons only speak with cartoon bubbles, and everyone is just generally kinda shittier.

What most might not know is that there's a sequel to the book ... that ignores the book entirely. See, the sequel supposes that you saw the movie and didn't read the book (which, c'mon, you did) and decides that the book's events were all a dream. The movie is what happened, so here's now a brand-new sequel to it.

Who P-p-p-plugged Roger Rabbit?

St. Martin's Press

It's like a novelization, but more crass about it

Who P-p-p-plugged Roger Rabbit?, while not following the movie canon entirely, does keep most of the characterization and even reference movie-only characters. The sequel follows Eddie Valiant again and has him take on a case leading back into the weird underbelly of where toon and town mix as he investigates another murder. He gets drawn into a conspiracy with characters from the film, including Roger's evil cousin Dodge Rabbit (who ends up getting murdered, just like Roger did in the first book) along with Baby Herman.

Of course, the Rabbituniverse doesn't end there. Along with the 2013 sequel, Gary K. Wolf is still trying to keep the Rabbit in the public eye, working on a prequel. It's set five years before the film and is about Roger Rabbit and Mickey Mouse as struggling artists working together on a movie called The Stooge that he's trying to shop to Disney.

The Stooge

Gary K Wolf

Nothing says Disney better than milking every drop of cash you can. 

Ray Bradbury Continued Fahrenheit 451 … As A Video Game

Fahrenheit 451, a book about censorship, hiding from the government, and true passion, was remade as a text-based adventure. Ray Bradbury contributed ideas and had a former cowriter help make a game where you explore New York City, trying to rescue a girl you're in love with who's been taken by the government and is being held in the New York Public Library; because it's gotta be thematic!

Fahrenheit 451 game

Trillium

It's a dystopian future where people just go to the library for the Wi-Fi.

After you break in and rescue her, you can abandon your revolutionary goals of making books cool again and run away with her, or stay and die for your ideals because there's never a happy medium in video games

If you don't run away, you end up sending books around the world ... just in time to get murdered by firemen. Which, honestly, is a pretty neat way of coming full circle. Hopeful and depressing, the perfect sweet spot.

Fahrenheit 451 game

Trillium

"This game was sponsored by Audible. Go to Audible.com to get a free 30-day trial and one free book of your choice."

 

DC Did Terrible Things To Watchmen

Watchmen is considered one of the best and most influential comic books ever written. It is full of ground-breaking ideas, such as what if a character named the Comedian was a rapist? And nine-panel grids rearranged into different shaped panel grids? And a dude whose face looks all weird?

Then Geoff Johns – the guy who produced Man of Steel and got his start as a comic writer because he was such a nerd Richard Donner went "Oh, you can probably do this" – decided it was time for a requel. Because why do a sequel or a reboot when you can do both but also destroy any love left for Watchmen anyone had?

In Doomsday Clock, there's a new Rorschach because it's Watchmen, so there has to be a Rorschach. Ozymandias steals Nite Owl's ship, because hey, that's a thing you recognize, and then tries to find Doctor Manhattan, who apparently went to the DC Universe ... to just kinda screw around? He moved a lantern to rid the world of hope and then killed Clark Kent's parents. The series is about Superman accidentally causing an international incident, Batman realizing a bloody badge in his cave was marketing basically, and Ozymandias trying to find Doctor Manhattan, who wants Superman to kill him. It ends with hope returning and an evil god being released from a big prison, because comics!

Doomsday Clock

DC

This’ll be read for 20 years, for sure.

Don't worry, the story doesn't end there. Later, we meet an evil parallel universe version of Batman, who is also the Joker, called The Batman Who Laughs. He rips the brain out of a Doctor Manhattan-body and then puts his own into it and, through magic science, becomes a god. Then he throws planets at the creator of the multiverse until she dies

Doomsday Clock

DC

Nothing there was a joke. 

Wonder Woman then has to team up with the god of the multiverse's gods who made Wonder Woman a god, which means she turns gold and then pushes Doctor JokeBattan into the Sun. This makes all DC comics ever written canon all at once. Because of Watchmen, Lois Lane hypnotizing a baby into marrying her is canon. Forever. Actually, maybe it is the best comic ever made.

Tara Marie writes words at places like here, Panel X Panel, and the Hard Times. She also writes words for the Trailer Park Boys in Trailer Park Boys: Bagged and Boarded. You can tell her about the things you ruined @TaraMarieWords or by kinda just mumbling at her. 

Top Image: Paramount Pictures

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