Would you ask your parent if you were sexy? Stop cringing. See, this is why you’ll never write for Disney, which at one point wanted to slip that bit of Freudian horror into the backstory of the Evil Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Disney caught terminal home-video-itis during the late 1990s/early 2000s, churning out 43 spin-offs and follow-ups to their most famous movies between 1995 and 2005. It would have been 44, but God, in a brief moment of sobriety, decided to spare us from the prequel to Snow White that the studio was planning. 

The movie was supposed to be entirely CGI, and it would focus on how the dwarves first met to battle the Evil Queen, whose real name is apparently Narcissa, which, yeah, tracks for a company that named their other evil sorceress Maleficent. I’m honestly surprised that the hunter from Bambi wasn’t named Shooter McMomkiller. Anyway, in the prequel, Narcissa was supposed to try and use the dwarves to get her hands on some magical MacGuffin (Magicuffin?). She’d then betray her wizard father and trap him in a magic mirror.

Disney

Yup, the magical artifact that the Evil Queen from Snow White used to find Hot Singles in her area? That was supposed to be her dad, which, first of all: Ew. Second: No, eew. Third: What the absolute hell? I can’t believe I’m saying it, but Disney somehow managed to outgross Neil Gaiman’s Snow White, where Prince Charming is a necrophile.

Most of the movie would actually be more of a buddy cop comedy starring Grumpy and Dopey, with the former trying to get the mute dwarf to talk by playing music loudly at him or “pretending to remove a frog from his throat.” Say, why WAS Dopey mute again? The other dwarves could talk, so why not Dopey? The prequel would have answered that! See, Dopey went mute from the trauma of witnessing his mother get murdered. This was supposed to happen in the first act, too. I assume the only reason Grumpy wasn’t revealed to be ill-tempered due to losing custody of his kids was that they were saving that for the sequel to the prequel.

Thankfully, they finally caught the guy slipping LSD into the coffee at Disney studios, and the project was canceled. Disney made a sort of prequel to The Little Mermaid in its place, which drops a shitton of bodies and reveals that Ariel’s mom emotionally cheated on her husband.

Follow Cezary on Twitter.

Top Image: Walt Disney

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