It's the most wonderful time of year, folks! No, I'm not talking about Christmas or the glorious fact that the dumpster fire that was 2020 will be over in just nine, short days. I'm talking about Festivus, a winter celebration for those of us absolutely sick and tired of the consumerist pressures of the Christmas season. First popularized by Seinfeld, in 1997, Festivs is a secular holiday, commemorated with a dinner, a metal pole in lieu of a tree, feats of strength, and of course, the airing of grievances. In honor of Festivus tonight, I've took it upon myself to share seven things that have been absolutely grinding my gears over the past few years, from EPCOT blunders to Belle Delphine. To quote Frank Costanza himself (may Jerry Stiller's memory be a blessing) "I've got a lot of problems with you people, and now, you're gonna hear about it!"
1. Why is it that so many people in my generation have no idea that Gwen Stefani and Eve's 2005 hit classic "Rich Girl" is, in fact, a reimagining of that one song from Fiddler on the Roof? I swear to God, I thought this was common knowledge. I've already had to explain this concept to three of my friends this year. We should know better, damnit!
2 .What boneheaded Disney exec decided to close Epcot's Maelstrom back in 2014? It was an effing log flume ride - no epic voyage - themed around Norse mythology, history, and exports. You have a polar bear. You have trolls. You have a roller coaster drop. You have an oil rig. You had an iconic fake-out that said log flumes are about to drop off a cliff onto the Norway Pavilion below. You have the Germanic god, Odin, for Odin's sake. What more did you need? Frozen IP, you say? Hell, I'm sure you could have tossed Anna, Elsa, Olaf, and Sven in there somewhere without decimating the entire ride. Even better, You could have made Frozen Ever After a stand-alone attraction at the Magic Kingdom, alongside more suitable peers, like Under The Sea - Journey of the Little Mermaid, the princess meet and greet area, and of course, the legendary Rapunzel restrooms. Just like Britney Spears in 2007, leave Epcot alone!
3. Why is it that every time I go to the grocery store on a health kick and drop $5 on a box of organic baby spinach, as soon as I sautee it, it reduces to nothing. I did not spend that much money to eat two damn spoonfuls of spinach. It shrinks and shrinks and shrinks, like well, George Costanza after exiting that pool. This is madness and I hate it! I want to learn to not eat like a college kid anymore but you aren't making it easier, you disappearing, watery leafy green!
4. Remember when everything was cake on Twitter? Let's be real, those cakes were absolutely mind-blowing, but on a practical level, probably taste like ass, and by ass I mean slightly sweetened wax due to all that damn fondant covering every nook and cranny of their toilet-paper shaped, dessert-y beings. It's 2020 folks, we should the technology to make elaborate cakes that don't taste like you're eating the sugar-covered coating of a god damn Babybel cheese!
5. Why does everyone absolutely sleep on the absolute business genius that is Belle Delphine? She made, by some estimates 10 million pounds selling her bath water online and has made sizable profits in her future OnlyFans endeavors by catering to a niche corner of the market -- horny incels. She even has her own damn registered company.
6. Who do the people who dunk on Chicago pizza call it a casserole think they are? It's pizza, you numbskulls. And Chicago-style pizza expands well beyond just deep dish, although Lou Malnati's absolutely slaps. We have the crisp, crackery crust of a tavern-style pie. We have Jet's thick, pillowy slices (which yes, is technically Detroit style pizza, but it's readily available in Chicago, too). I have lived in New York City since I was 18 years old and have never once had a good slice of thick crust pizza here. Meanwhile, Chicago has mastered every form of pizza-y goodness, thick, thin, and anything in between, and you keep harping on deep dish? You need to get more creative -- and eat some actually good pizza.
7. Why, to quote my mother, "on God's green Earth" didn't Joe win The Bachelorette? He is a family-oriented New York City-based anesthesiologist with a six-pack, a cute face, and an amazing sense of humor. And he lost to who, an NFL player turned Party City model and some wholesome ass dude from New Jersey?
Hell, I'd normally add a joke here about wanting to slide into his DMs, but let's be real, I am high key not worthy of even being in his presence, let alone having a shot at dating him. ABC, you can make better decisions than Tayshia and Clare. Make him the next Bachelor, stat.
So, folks, Happy Holidays! May we all be as angry and as Frank Costanza on this beloved day.