5 Hilarious Stupid Ways To Quickly Beat Famous Games
With as fast-paced as modern life gets, so does our entertainment consumption. There's listening to podcasts at 1.5x speed to bingeing an entire six-season show in a weekend, and video games are no different.
Video game speedrunners have a need; a need for ... something. And on that quests, they've unlocked some incredibly stupid ways to achieve their goal ...
Beat Jurassic Park By Staring At Your Own Boobs
Of all the Jurassic Park games out there, Jurassic Park: Trespasser is ... certainly one of them. It might not be a good game, but it's at least known for introducing the physics-based puzzles that later ended up influencing Half-Life 2. Although that's a bit unfair, as it should also be known for introducing the first (hopefully last) health bar that's on your t-rexes.
Yes, that very conveniently placed heart-shaped tat is your health bar. Every time you get hit, a bit of your heart ink gets depleted, much like a sexy reimagining of Zelda's health meter that no one asked for.
As sad the steps that went into making it all possible is, it gets even sadder when you find out it's also the key to mastering the game. (blah blah could blah blah never asked should blah blah)
Staring at your "health meter" while grabbing an object (in the game) and spamming the jump button enables players to jump infinitely and bypass all of the game's obstacles whilst also making the character breathe boobily. Yes, really. We'd ask how the developers could get so distracted that glitch like this could slip past them, but we already know the answer.
Skyrim: NeverEnding Story-ing Your Horse To Become The Flash
Developers probably dread the day they find out they'll have to code horses into their games. Half-ass the programming, and you start catastrophically breaking the laws of horse and man; full-ass it, and everyone starts mocking the realism of your horse's "dynamic testicle physics." Still, developers include horses in the game because no one is shelling out $69.99 to play Red Dead Powerwalker, and they allow for faster movement. But gamers are never satisfied, so players found an ultra weird glitch that allows for horse enabled ultra-fast travel minus the horse.
Welcome to the world of "horse tilting." In the world of Skyrim, combining a few strategic saves with torturing your poor horse by getting it to sink into the terrain will grant players ultra speed and even flight capabilities.
While this may all seem initially impressive, you quickly realize that you are basically just engaging in pointless horse torture since Skyrim features goddamn instant travel from the get-go. Not to mention any saddle sores your character avoided will be replaced with foot blisters the size of dynamically physics-ed horse testicles.
Beat Dark Souls Via Teen Comedy Plotdevice
Reason Dark Souls games hate you #249:There's a stamina bar that prevents you from just spamming attacks like you would on most action games. Newbies overestimate the number of attacks they can perform, get exhausted, then get dead. But more experienced players found a way to overcome that adversity the same way all the greats do: By cheating. They've figured out a way to Freaky Friday their weapons (but minus the sadness that comes with having to deal with a child actor).
The "moveswap glitch" goes into effect when players trick the game into thinking they've switched weapons. Though hard to activate, it allows players to carry around the most massive and hardest-hitting weapons, while making the game believe they have a light blade equipped. So essentially, you get to crack open skulls by using a 7-foot tall club with the quickness of a dagger or almond (demons can have nut allergies).
Turning Halo 3 Into Makeshift Looney Tunes Cartoon
Halo is pretty straight forward in what it expects you to do to beat the game. Shoot aliens, stab aliens, rinse, repeat. Turns out the addition of some Wile. E . Coyote logic can be used to skip all that shit.
Players can use some unassuming objects, like a grid, put them in place, and, with the help of a gigantic hammer, carefully turn them into a spring capable of propelling them straight into the next level in style.
Even random walls can be used to allow players to jump over dozens of enemies and use the unluckiest of the bunch as a landing platform.
But wait, that's only the start. How about using your own grenades to rocket your ass to infinity and beyond, bypassing a big chunk of the game?
And If throwing grenades at your own feet doesn't feel counterproductive enough, there's also this guy who hits his grenades with a hammer and is somehow rewarded with a level clear by space Darwin.
Related: A Timeline Of The Looney Tunes Cast
Outsmarting The Outer Worlds By Being Dumb As Rocks
One would think smarts are a factor in beating games, but when it comes to beating The Outer Worlds, there's no smarter way to do so than by being an utter dumbass. At the start of the game, players get to pick character traits. They can improve their base stats, but also lower them. Why would anyone make them worse, though? That would be stupid, right? Wrong! Well ... technically, right ... but, wrong ... but ... shut up.
By dialing it as far back as possible when it comes to intelligence, your character becomes such a moron that the other characters in the game instantly recognize their shortcomings and make it easier for the player. Having a character whose spectrum of emotions ranges from "yes" to "hungry" to "*fart noise*" makes most character interactions much shorter, and even results in skipping entire portions of the game.
By tapping into the power of idiocy, Twitch Streamer Jabo beat the game in just 20 minutes. And by beat, we mean ordering a ship's AI to go manual because his character "knows numbers really good," then flying it straight into a nearby star to die. But hey, it officially counts as completing the game, so there's that.
Top image: Bethesda Softworks