To say that American megacorporations are against unions is like saying vampires are against sunrises. But it seems like no company hates unions as much Amazon, which is always pushing the envelope of labor exploitation/pushing their workers so hard they die of heart attacks. And now, it appears to be openly advertising their love of busting unions.
First spotted by nonprofit pro-labor group Athena, on September 1st Amazon publicly posted two job ads looking for an "entrepreneurial intelligence analyst" for its Global Security Operations, hunting down threats to the company. But don't be fooled by the title; it's one of those fancy euphemisms like public waste technician (toilet cleaner), talent delivery specialist (recruiter), or falcon fertility expert (jizz hat wearer). In reality, this job ad is looking for a smart, motivated, and professional traitor to the working class. A union buster. A scab.
The euphemisms don't stop there. Like every corporate job listing, the ad is rife with the kind of realtor-- sorry, relocation specialist jargon that makes it seem like you just won the labor exploitation lottery. But in this case, the corporate newspeak can also serve a test to weed out people with the wrong mindset, i.e., those who don't see the right to collective bargaining as a "threat". For example, if you read ...
… and interpret it as "Keep secret-police like tabs on any employee who dares to organize even an after-hours' drink and put them on a blacklist with Christian Smalls." Or if you read …
… and corporate-to-people translate that to "Become Jeff Bezos' pet rat while you sit on his shoulder and whisper in his ear about all the undesirables on warehouse killing floors," clearly you're not well suited for the position. But if reading that just makes you excited to start stabbing your fellow Amazon workers in whatever part of their bodies that aren't drenched in sweat or their own pee, then welcome aboard! Remember: Unions are evil. Corporations are people. Amazon is allied with Diapers.com. Amazon has always been at war with Walmart.
In response to discovering that they accidentally said the quiet part out loud, Amazon spokesperson Maria Boschetti assured critics that, "The job post was not an accurate description of the role – it was made in error and has since been corrected." Such an obvious error, by the way, the job had been up on Amazon's in-house job portal for eight whole months. Amazon has since taken down all versions of the job listing, assumingly to make the ad less obvious. So desperate job hunters can look for future Amazon listings calling for 'Schmintelligence Schmanalysts' who are good at 'schmupressing schmabor schmorganizing.
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Top Image: Tony Webster, Flickr / New Line Cinema