NYC's Government Officially Endorsed Glory Holes

One of the many elements of human behavior that we've struggled to address during the COVID-19 pandemic is the hard-wired imperative to mash our faces (and other body parts) together. Different jurisdictions have dealt with this challenge in different ways: The U.K. straight-up outlawed staying the night at so(u)meo(u)ne else's ho(u)use, but in the U.S., where all the guns tend to make people pretty leery of telling others what to do, the code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules.

In New York City, at least, the government released a list of "harm reduction strategies" way back in March to advise residents how to safely get their freak on, including: masturbating, a temporary moratorium on eating ass, and only fucking your roommates or other people you live with.

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It was updated this week, however, and the new suggestions are considerably wilder. Hopefully, this means that a team of experts have been sitting around racking their brains for increasingly creative ways to bust an emergency nut.

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Perhaps most notable among these updates is the suggestion to "be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact." Normal people might be wondering how on Earth someone would have sex through a wall, but seasoned perverts know that the New York City municipal government just advised you to make a glory hole.

Tip: If you use a cornhole set, you also get a fun social distancing-friendly game to play after.cfarnsworth/PixabayTip: If you use a cornhole set, you also get a fun social distancing-friendly game to play after.

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Additionally, "large gatherings of any type are not safe during COVID-19," meaning that three-plus-somes "should be avoided." However, they know how easier it is to trip and fall unawares into a lurking orgy, so if you must have group sex, "pick larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces." That's almost unnecessary advice: It's summer, so all the swingers clubs are having their orgies in the woods anyway.

They also suggested wearing a mask, regardless of how many people you're boning at a time, but they explicitly don't limit it to that cute bandana you've been wearing to the grocery store. In fact, they acknowledge that "Maybe it's your thing, maybe it's not." Folks, they're talking about gimp masks. This is probably (hopefully?!) the only time the government is going to officially endorse outdoor group leather sex through a hole in the wall, so now's the time to order a printer on Amazon, because you're going to want to stick this document in a pretty little box to show your grandkids when they're much, much older and wondering how their mom/dad was conceived.

Manna in no way endorses her Twitter.

Top image: schnurzipurz/Pixabay, Fotocitizen/Pixabay

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