Casual Sex Sleepovers Are Now A Crime In Great Britain

With self-isolation in place, trying to date has taken a turn for the Romantic with a capital R. Those responsible enough to resist temptation have had to resort to old-school courting, endlessly trading horny missives, or, at most, declaring their undying affection from a socially responsible distance -- like a balcony. But in Britain, those hoping to see a bit of progress in their sex life have just been dealt the wrong kind of blow, as the government's newly minted coronavirus law has unintentionally set back the sexual revolution by about a century.

To start winding down the stringent lockdown, the UK government enacted a new law on June 1st, allowing for certain stores to reopen and up to six people to gather in public. But while the law was meant to ease social restrictions, horny singles quickly figured that it also served as a stealth sex ban. While previous regulation only involved forcing everyone to stay indoors, the new law specifically makes it a crime for two people not living under the same roof to stay the night. And leave it to the British to ban hooking up while managing not to mention the word sex once.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

So, a mixed bag for single Brits. One the one hand, the government is allowing them to date again. On the other hand, it's behaving like a strict Victorian mother, forbidding them to do anything else than take long strolls through English gardens without touching -- preferably with a governess trailing the lovebirds from a socially responsible distance. Fortunately, as with any codified ban on casual sex, you can always find a loophole. And with the government publishing an extensive list of exemptions to the no-sleepover provision, all it takes is some creative interpretation of the dire necessity of doing it. So if the coppers catch you with your trousers down, feel free to give them one of these "reasonable excuses" tied to their government-approved loopholes to explain the legality of your leg spreading.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

The gathering takes place at an educational facility and is reasonably necessary for the purposes of education: "That Kama Sutra book was open at all times, and they have a lot to learn, constable."

The gathering is for the provision of voluntary or charitable services: "Look at him, this is clearly pity sex."

The person concerned is an elite athlete and the gathering is necessary for training or competition: "We were nude because we were training the way the original Olympic wrestlers did."

The gathering is to provide emergency assistance: "She was dying of thirst?"

The person concerned is fulfilling a legal obligation or participating in legal proceedings: "We are both legal prostitutes engaged in a contractual exchange of sex for more sex."

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Of course, even when breaking the law by breaking out a safe word, the legislation works mostly on the hono(u)r system as the police still aren't allowed to break into bedrooms to confirm that any sexy foul play is going on. That's only permissible if they fear "serious criminal activity." So as long as the sex remains properly quick, quiet, and underwhelming (i.e. properly British) no one need fear legal repercussions.

For more of his expertise on not getting shagged, you can follow Cedric on Twitter.

Top Image: AdobeStock

To turn on reply notifications, click here

19 Comments

Load Comments