All Hail Peter I, The Karate Conspiracist Who Crowned Himself King Of Germany
Did you know Germany still has a king? Neither do most Germans. But while his demesne is small and his armies consist mostly of middle-aged keyboard warriors, there is no denying the rise of Peter I, King of NeuDeutschland, Denier of Democracies, and Wearer of Ponytails.
On September 16, 2012, Peter Fitzek, a former karate teacher and slot machine owner, crowned himself the "King of Germany," succeeding the last true monarch Kaiser Wilhelm II. It even says so on his passport -- at least, the one he makes himself for his tiny kingdom of NeuDeutschland or "New Germany." And for a few hundred euros, anyone can buy a "membership" into this petty kingdom, which has its own flag (the regular German one with a sun decal on it) and its own currency -- Engelgeld or "angel money," the only money in the world that has a standard denomination of sevens.
Together with his Queen Annett Ullmann, who serves House Kartoffel (or is a server at the local Kartoffelhaus, in modern parlance), King Peter rules over a vast demesne of a couple of abandoned factories southwest of Berlin which he has transformed into a definitely-not-a-cult compound. What kind of king is Peter? A very old school one -- half paranoid megalomaniac, half religious nutjob. An Alex Jones type with a fake passport, Peter believes a corrupt deep state conspiracy (read: Jewish people) is out to get him and that every pebble against his windshield's a deflected assassination attempt. He also believes he is in a war with Satanists and claims he can cleanse those tainted by the dark arts with his divine hands.
But how is it possible to crown yourself king of Germany? It isn't, unless you ask Germany's Reichsburgers, of whom roughly 1,300 have pledged allegiance to King Peter. Reichsburgers are typically middle-aged, male far-right conspiracy theorists who believe that the German Federal Republic is an illegitimate state. They base that belief on the pub quiz trivia that, after World War II, a split Germany never signed an official peace treaty with the Allies. (That technicality was corrected in 1990, but don't remind them of that). Instead, Germany became an illegal puppet state of the West, and the Jews, of course, and as such, the 1919 constitutional monarchy is still in effect. And to protect their ancient kingdom, the heavily armed and disgruntled Rechsburgers gladly slay enemy knights, i.e., shoot German police officers from behind windows.
But besides some heavy-handed YouTube indoctrination videos, Peter I is not a warmongering king -- just a corrupt one. Aside from issuing his own currencies, which now includes the digital E-Mark (redeemable only in the New Germany gift shop and sausage stand), King Peter I also operates an illegal bank where his loyal subjects can invest their Euros into the burgeoning kingdom. Except when police raided the royal bank of New Germany, the only thing they found in its coffers was a priest disguise and some old porn VHS tapes. In 2016, King Peter was convicted of embezzling $1.4 million from his followers. Still, his sentence was overturned in 2018 when an appeals judge figured that anyone dumb enough to give their money to a Steven Seagal stand-in who claims he's a king and will make you rich in sausages deserves to lose it. Now free, King Peter I is once again taking investors for NeuDeutschland. And with the German people again turning far-right faster than a shot up arm, it's good to be king.
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Top Image: Pixabay