That New Local Pizza Joint You Found On GrubHub Is Actually Just Chuck E. Cheese

Seemingly overnight, Pasqually's Pizza & Wings opened up dozens of locations across America -- amid a global pandemic, no less. People were ordering, thinking they were getting a delicious, soul-healing pie and supporting their local pizza shops at the same time. But, Philadelphia-based Reddit user kendallneff seems to have been the first to notice there was something a little too familiar about the Pasqually's pies. The theories of internet sleuths the world over proved true when a Chuck E. Cheese representative admitted that Pasqually's Pizza & Wings was, in fact, just Chuck E. Cheese operating under a pseudonym.

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The pizza was the only part of its business it could still offer during the quarantine. But, as we can deduce, the good name of Charles Entertainment Cheese, aka Chuck E. Cheese, has been sullied. Children's birthday parties, petri dish ball pits, and robotic singing animals that quickly turn away when you look at them, like you caught them, caught them plotting -- all have conspired to ruin the fine establishment's image as a reputable pizza dealer. They knew they couldn't trade under the Chuck E. Cheese moniker, so they reached a little further into the Chuck E. Cheese Cinematic Universe to find a new name that they could use to disguise themselves as friendly neighborhood mom-and-pop pizza joints. Enter Pasqually P. Pieplate:

That New Local Pizza Joint You Found On GrubHub Is Actually Just Chuck E. CheeseCEC Entertainment, Inc.

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Oh, Christ! No! I'm sorry! Maybe this one:

That New Local Pizza Joint You Found On GrubHub Is Actually Just Chuck E. CheeseCEC Entertainment, Inc.

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That's better. Pasqually is the drummer for the animatronic band that plays in every Chuck E. Cheese location. He's also a pizza chef, presumably the one making the pizzas you eat in the restaurant. He's also "an aspiring comedian." He aspired to be the next George Carlin, but stability is hard to come by in the comedy world. When then, he landed a residency at a children's pizza joint where he could make pies and put on a show every day until he's engulfed by the cheesy embrace of death. (I may have filled in some blanks in his backstory.)

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With the exception of slightly thicker crust and a more robust sauce, Chuck E. Cheese has been using the Pasqually name to sell what essentially amounts to the same old pizza wrapped in all-new lies.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Catch him on the "In Broad Daylight" podcast with Cracked alums Adam Tod Brown and Ian Fortey! Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. Listen to the first episode on Youtube!

Top Image: Eteixido/Wikimedia Commons


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