How 'The Shining' Went From Horror To Lifestyle Porn

Before isolation, getting stuck at The Shining's Overlook hotel would have been nightmare fuel. But, a month into quarantine, it's starting to look like pretty sweet digs. Seriously, watching that movie now is akin to watching Cribs for Corona. The Overlook used to seem terrifying, what with being built over a Native burial ground and the 1980's aesthetic. But, as we sit in our cramped apartments, our floors lined with discarded puzzle and pizza boxes, the Overlook with all of that free space is straight-up lifestyle porn.

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You're skeptical. We get that. "What about the ghosts?" Eh. Those are just friends and roommates to hang with. Best of all, we're reasonably sure ghosts can't contract COVID-19, so there's no social distancing needed. Also, most of them are super DTF -- example the ghost in the bear-costume.

There’s no virus here, baby. Well, except the herpes.The Shining/ Warner BrosThere’s no virus here, baby. Well, except the herpes.

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In March, I would have had "getting a BJ from a phantom furry" on my "No, thank you" list. But now, after over 30 days without so much as a fistbump from the pot dealer, I'm suddenly less judgmental about what outfit someone wears or what plane of existence they inhabit. Bring on the spooky nooky. Oh, you're having a contact-free video-date with someone from Tinder? I'm having a spectral orgy.

And lets also not forget the amenities. The Overlook has a fully stocked bar and pantry, plus toiletries. No more waiting in a grocery line every week because your freezer is only big enough for five days worth of frozen dumplings, while your cabinet is only big enough for five days worth of sorrow-drowning alcohol. There's even Internet! Granted, you'll only be able to talk to Dick Hallorhann, but he's a chef, so he's probably just as good for a recipe tutorial as a Bon Appetite video.

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Look, we get that spending an extended period in a hotel with the spirit of a deranged ax murderer might be scary. But here's a thought for you. Maybe just stay the hell out of room 237, and you'll be fine. Because, out here in the real world, we're all catching so much cabin fever that people might start ax murdering anyway.

Top Image: The Shining/ Warner Bros

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