Trump Pulls Total Trump Move With Stimulus Checks

In a completely normal and not at all vain move, President Donald J. Trump has decreed that his name will appear on every stimulus check distributed by the IRS. There's no word yet as to whether he will also be stamping each check with his gold leaf-covered dong or marking them with his scent, but considering the unprecedented nature of this decision -- though completely normal and not at all vain -- we're prepared to expect anything at this point.

Initially Trump asked the IRS if he could sign the checks formally, possible because his glorious, wonderful signature is so fantastic and we could all use a quick refresher in cursive right now. But alas, the IRS informed him that the president is not an authorized signer for legal disbursements by the U.S. Treasury because government payments are to remain nonpartisan for the sake of integrity or some bullshit like that. Drats! Foiled again by the Democratic establishment!

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Fortunately, Donald will still get to put his big "J" Trump on all of our checks in the memo line, and all it will take to do so is a possible indefinite delay of our life-saving stimulus checks as the IRS scrambles to fulfill the order. Now, there may be some of you who might be wondering, "Oh, no. Will Trump putting his name on the checks decrease their value, like it does to his hotels and businesses?" The answer is no. Some of you also might be saying, "Hey, I don't care who or what signs the check. I lost my job due to COVID-19 and I need money as soon as possible to buy something to eat." It's a valid argument.

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But, remember the Coronavirus was just a hoax by the Democrats. And also, we've got it totally under control. And also, it's fake news. And also, it's not nearly as bad as the flu.

So don't worry, Trump has this on lockdown. You'll get your money, bay-bee. And when you do, you'll remember exactly who gave it to you because their name will be in the memo line ... unless you receive direct deposit, in which case you'll just see your bank balance go up. Yes, this delay was highly necessary.

Top Image: Gage Skidmore/Wiki Commons

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