5 Famous People Side Projects That Seem Weird Now

But Alcott just wrote this salacious nonsense to pay the bills until her more literary work found success, right? Not quite; Little Women was written "in record time for money" at the suggestion of Alcott's editor and, validating high school students everywhere, both found the end result boring. But her editor's niece loved it and so, to the complete surprise of Alcott, an American classic was born. Strong sales encouraged her to keep writing what she dubbed "moral pap for the young," and while she certainly took pride in her work, she did comment in an interview that "I think my natural ambition is for the lurid style." So she probably would have written Gone Women if given the chance.

The result is one of Bond's campiest and horniest outings. At one point, Bond is "disguised" as a Japanese man with questionable eye makeup and a terrible toupee, making him look like a grandpa roped into inept anime cosplay. It's also the film where Bond finally comes face to face with archrival Blofeld, and he's an underwhelming goof who inspired a generation of parodies.

It's not exactly remembered as a classic although, to be fair to Dahl, he did his job in helping the studio make a giant pile of money. It was, however, far from his fondest professional memory, as he seemed disappointed he was never asked to write another Bond film but later called screenwriting an "awful job" you should never do unless you need the scratch. Weirdly, Dahl's official website says that some of You Only Live Twice's ideas were reused in Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, presumably in reference to the part where Willy Wonka pops up to muse, "Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?"

The struggling fast food chain was trying to reinvent itself as the cool source of slurried chicken fragments and hypertension, and that meant hip music. Their $1.37 billion dollar ad campaign didn't just produce a slogan and jingle, but created a full-fledged Timberlake single that otherwise had nothing to do with the brand. The approach was dubbed "reverse engineering" -- McDonald's would look more credible if they were borrowing from a pop star's latest hit than if they got Timberlake to drop a track about how the only thing he loves more than booty is sharing a McFlurry with his boy Grimace. That's all well and good if you're a cynical marketing drone, but "I'm Lovin' It" is a weird music video to revisit from this, the future.

A Timberlake who is clearly thirsty for far more than cheap Sprite stalks a woman who has clearly never eaten at McDonald's. The lyrics are about how this hard-working, stressed out lady needs and deserves a taste of Timberlake's quarter-pounder, and what Timberlake is loving specifically is her ass. Which is all standard pop music fare, but while McDonald's still uses the jingle to this day they don't follow it up with "Girl go on and shake your booty."

Looking back at the "CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW HIPPITY-HOP THIS MONOLITHIC TRASH FOOD TITAN IS" ads that followed, it's hard to believe that McDonald's wasn't immediately mocked into non-existence. Timberlake would later claim outsized credit for the campaign's success while also saying he regretted doing it, although the gigantic bag of money they handed him probably eased the pain.

The movie is a pretty loose adaptation, but if you thought a depressed Clive Owen getting the shit kicked out of him for 100 minutes was a downer, be glad they didn't include the human sacrifice fertility rituals, the government enforced senior citizen mass suicides, and the pets raised as kids by people who make the "fur parents" on your Facebook page look sane. So don't be surprised when, say, Gillian Flynn pivots to writing disturbing Cthulhu mythos stories in her 80s. Speaking of which...

Will rejoice in our triumphs and strengthen our blows!

Lovecraft was a devout Anglophile to the point of decrying the American Revolution as a senseless tragedy, so his pride in America comes from viewing it as England's plucky child. Here he is mocking Americans who didn't want to go defend the Motherland in the Great War with the "Pacifist War Song."

We are the valiant Knights of Peace

Who prattle for the Right:

Our banner is of snowy fleece,

Inscribed: "TOO PROUD TO FIGHT!"

By sweet Chautauqua's flow'ry banks

We love to sing and play,

But should we spy a foeman's ranks,

We'd proudly run away!

...

Our fathers were both rude and bold,

And would not live like brothers;

But we are of a finer mould --

We're much more like our mothers!

Lovecraft calling other people wimps should have made him vanish in a puff of irony but, in his defense, the then 27-year-old was actually among the first Americans to enlist. His overbearing mother then raised hell to get him out of it, which should have killed his trash-talking credentials but at least spared us some truly awful trench poetry. Here's part of another call to war, "The Peace Advocate," about a vicar deciding to stop the cheek turns and kick some ass instead.

Then quick to his brain came manhood's thought,

As he saw his erring course;

And the vicar his dusty rifle brought

That the foe might at least by one be fought,

And force repaid with force.

One shot -- the enemy's blasting fire

A breach in the wall cuts thro',

But the vicar replies with his waken'd ire;

Fells one arm'd brute for each fallen spire,

And in blood is born anew.

Two shots -- the wife and daughter sink,

Each with a mortal wound;

And the vicar, too madden'd by far to think,

Rushes boldly on to death's vague brink,

With the manhood he has found.

And yes, it's World War I he's trying to rally support for with that writing style, not the Napoleonic Wars. Lovecraft wrote hundreds of poems and yet, at least when it came to jingoistic commentary, he never got very good at it. But it wasn't all rabble-rousing: Lovecraft also wrote dorky tributes to Christmas, his friends' cats and, of course, noted American patriot Robert E. Lee.

Whilst martial echoes o'er the wave resound,

And Europe's gore incarnadines the ground;

Today no foreign hero we bemoan,

But count the glowing virtues of our own!

Illustrious LEE! around whose honour'd name

Entwines a patriot's and a Christian's fame;

With whose just praise admiring nations ring,

And whom repenting foes contritely sing!

It goes on like that for another few dozen lines, but you don't deserve to have them inflicted on you. Just remember that while Lovecraft may have mastered the horror story, he also mastered being a gigantic dweeb.
 

Mark is on Twitter and wrote a book.