The world is yet again facing a familiar pandemic. Every day, more and more people come in contact with this feverish infection, a plague on humanity that has pushed people to the fringes of society, put some in the hospital and has left millions of others feeling sick to their stomach. And while symptoms are varied, officials do advise you to immediately seek serious help if you start looking like this:
We're talking of course about the brain disease of xenophobia, also known as racism or Mel Gibson's Disease, which often flares up during other viral infections such as the current Covid-19 situation. Above is a picture of a Belgian highschool class showing a rare 21st-century symptom, where the sufferer suddenly thinks it's a good idea to take off all their clothes and dress up as another culture to make fun of its 3,000+ people who died sick and scared. Effects of such xenophobic exposure can lead to first, second degree burns on sensitive places like your social media profile, though showing advanced signs of xenophobia, like pretending to have slant eyes like the girl in the middle, are sadly irreversible and fatal to your social wellbeing.
Cases of xenophobia, specifically aimed at Chinese people for the statistical audacity of having a one-in-five chance of being the first victims of a humanitarian crisis, have been spreading like a ... uh, virus during this viral spread. Other outward symptoms of xenophobia also include the inability to see the difference between various people of Asian descent, vomiting racist bullshit at random Asians in public, and even spraying air fresheners at Asian people. In places like New York, the Netherlands, Italy, and England, Asians have even been attacked on the street in a natural escalation of the brain disease known as hate-crime-itis.
While there seems to be no short term cure for xenophobia, only years of therapy and chilling the F out, what we do know is how it spreads: Via people's dumb mouth and the media, which cannot seem to help itself publishing pictures of Asian in mouth masks under every terrifying headline regardless of the country or people involved. Also, unlike Covid-19 and more akin to gonorrhea and chlamydia, xenophobia often lays dormant inside people all of their lives, only coming out during rashes of extreme stress or when they think they can get away with it. This is often recognizable in sufferers' unusual speech patterns, where every apology sounds incredibly insincere.
Unfortunately, the measures to mitigate xenophobia are slightly contradictory to the Covid-19 ones: Be social. Don't be paranoid. Remember we're all in this together. Feel a closeness to people, no matter where they just came from. And when you're self-quarantining, order out tons of Chinese food -- sadly, the wait won't be long.
For more weird tangents and to see the long-term effects of social distancing, you can follow Cedric on Twitter.