Pigeons. They serve in our military, deliver our ecstasy, and clean our streets by eating our drunken vomit. And how do we repay these noble rock doves for their service? By treating them like second-class citizens, spitefully spiking our monuments and feeding them but the stalest of bread. But perhaps now, with the pigeon community under attack by a madman, we can all come together and condemn this act of terrorism:
Yes, readers, it is with a heavy heart we report that once again, a poor pigeon has been fitted with a tiny hat. In another sad example of human-on-pigeon crime, a city bird was seen crowned with a small sombrero, an incident that left it aimlessly wandering the streets of Reno. This isn't the first time Columbidae have been capped. Last December, three pigeons in Las Vegas were spotted sporting jaunty cowboy hats. Of those birds, Cluck Norris, Coolamity Jane, and Billie the Pidge, two have been captured and freed from their brimmed bonds, but Coolamity Jane's still wanted alive or (as tends to be the case if you don't see a pigeon for a few weeks) dead after being run over by a garbage truck.
Make no mistake, though the images may seem cute and meme-able, pro-pigeon organizations think they are dealing with a cold-blooded criminal. Las Vegas pigeon shelter Lofty Hopes, who rescued Cluck and The Pidge, reported that the mad hatter used super glue to affix the hats to the poor creature's skulls. And while Charles Wolcott, an ornithologist at Cornell University, observed no immediate bodily harm to the cowboy birds, he did add that these bright and blinding hats would make them easy pickings for predators come high noon.
As for the serial dress-up artist, little is known about their identity -- if the Reno attack was from the same mad hatter or if pigeons must now also fear copycats. (Cats? Where?) Once again, the cooping community has received no cooperation from cops who after Las Vegas stated that this "does not appear to be a police matter at this time." But if kidnapping, molestation, and perhaps even breadcrumbs-related grooming (known in legal circles as 'Hansel and Gretel'ing) isn't sufficient, how about murder? Right before the Reno incident, Lofty Hopes sadly announced that Billie the Pidge had died, possibly from the fumes of the hat glue shutting down her respiratory system, and that makes this a case of poultricide.
What is certain, is that humans and pigeons must work together and fast to stop the sartorial psycho before they strike again. Both incidents involved Old West hats and took place in casino cities, strongly indicating a serial hatter pattern. So how long before Atlantic City pigeons find themselves glued to tiny bowler hats? Please, somebody think of the squabs!
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