On April 5, 1994, Kurt Cobain proved himself a liar when he lyrically swore that he didn’t have a gun, dying of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in the greenhouse of his Seattle home.
Fame is a drug, and when it fades, the pain of withdrawal can be vicious. But there's always a way back. Whether through luck, hard work, or sheer desperation, former stars constantly find ways to return to the limelight. Some soak it up and thrive, while others stumble around in it for a minute, vomit, and then pratfall back into the shadows of obscurity. We'll focus on the latter ...
Megan Fox's "Archaeology" Documentary
It's been so long since we've seen Megan Fox in a movie that you may have forgotten her face (you definitely forgot her acting). But Fox has finally returned to the screen ... as a documentarian?
Turns out Fox is quite interested in history (she did call Michael Bay "Hitler" that one time), and now hosts her own nonfiction archaeological series called Legends Of The Lost With Megan Fox. Premiering in 2018, the show follows a globetrotting Fox in her best Indiana-Jones-by-way-of-Forever-21 outfit, bending over artifacts while esteemed historians try not to let their eyes wander.
Travel Channel"This must be what it feels like to direct a Transformers movie."
According to Fox, she's always been a scholar of both archaeology and paleontology. And to her, that includes believing in aliens, leprechauns,Bigfoot, and the Ark of the Covenant. This might explain why the show also posits theories about how America was once inhabited by giants, or how Stonehenge is one big healing crystal. But despite the show being aimed at history neophytes, yeti believers, and people stuck at an airport Marriott, Fox gives the best performance of her career, bringing an enthusiasm to learning about fake history that she never quite mustered for pretending she was into Shia LaBeouf.
Corey Feldman Claimed He Was Stabbed By A Mysterious Gang
They say it's better to live fast and die young, but there's no worse poster child for that mantra than former Lost Boy Corey Feldman, who's been dying young for about 30 years. So it wasn't surprising that he recently wound up in a hospital. But the story of how he got there was a little tough to swallow.
In March of 2018, Feldman tweeted a picture of himself in what appeared to be a hospital bed with the all-caps announcement that he was "ATTACKED 2NITE." He wrote that he had been stabbed in the gut, likely by his longtime nemeses the "WOLFPACK." The LAPD was already treating it as an attempted homicide. But while his fans flooded Feldman with well-wishes (seriously?), many others wanted answers to questions. Questions like "Is this real?" and "Since when do they allow vaping in hospitals?"
Corey Feldman/TwitterAt least they took away the crack pipe.
It turns out there were a lot of holes in Feldman's story, and none in Feldman himself. When contacted, the LAPD stated that there were "no lacerations to Mr. Feldman's abdomen," and that they had no suspects, no weapon, and no proof whatsoever that an actual attack had been committed. Refusing to let it go, Feldman decided to provide said proof by posting an Instagram pic of the knife wound. Or a mosquito bite. It's hard to tell.
What most likely happened, according to an officer on the scene, was that some random dude made comical knife motions at Feldman, never making contact, but still causing the man to immediately drive to the hospital. Who knows, maybe he had a really bad Stand By Me flashback.
Tennis Throwback Boris Becker Pretended To Be A Diplomat To Avoid Bankruptcy
Boris Becker knows how to do two things: play tennis and destroy money. He lived an expensive lifestyle, had an expensive love child, and his even more expensive divorce brought Boom Boom Becker back in the news when a British court declared him bankrupt in 2017. But Becker had one more ace to play: massive identity fraud.
When Becker refused to cooperate with the courts, they seized his stuff and to sell it to the highest bidder. The forced auction was about to take place when Becker halted the proceedings by claiming diplomatic immunity. You see, they weren't prosecuting Boris Becker, faded tennis star, but rather Boris Becker, untouchable Central African Republic attache to the European Union on sporting, cultural, and humanitarian affairs. Easy mistake to make.
Via DW.com"The, uh, flash was really bright."
Unfortunately for Diplomat Boris, when the CAR heard that their esteemed representative was in legal trouble, they responded with "Who?" Becker had simply gotten his hands on a blank passport that was stolen from the CAR government back in 2014. Not that it mattered, because the foreign minister confirmed Becker's alleged diplomatic function doesn't even exist. Who knew that the country ranked absolute bottom on the UN's human development index wouldn't have a humanitarian attache position?
Unable to declare diplomatic immunity, Becker had to give up his mad defense and let the banks auction off his cherished tennis memorabilia, which wound up being bought for over $850,000. All by a single buyer. Who claimed to be an Algerian diplomat. Who also looked a lot like Boris Becker with a fake beard. And who paid by check.
The Old Voice Of Charlie Brown Went On An Epic Crime Spree
Peter Robbins started acting at the tender age of seven, and landed several spots playing lovable brats on various family sitcoms. Then he got his biggest break of all as the voice of Charlie Brown in the beloved Peanuts TV specials. After being booted out of Hollywood at the age of 14, Robbins fell off the celebrity map for about 40 years. But in 2013, he reemerged by going on a crazy Florida-Man-style crime spree.
It all began when Robbins lost his temper at his girlfriend because she broke up with him even after he'd paid for her boob job. He allegedly threatened both her and her son's life. He also beat their dog, in case you had any pity left for him. He then stalked the plastic surgeon, trying to get a refund -- he threatened her so often that she hid in a hotel room and hired an armed guard to stand in front of her practice.
Robbins was arrested and sentenced for stalking, but the judge offered him rehab, jail, and probation instead of actual prison time if he could refrain from being (serious quote here) "a blockhead" for the next five years. Almost immediately after getting out of rehab, Robbins cut off his GPS bracelet, got wasted, and skipped all of his court-ordered classes. And to complete his Middle-Aged Impotent Rage Bingo card, prosecutors discovered he had again been harassing a woman (his housing manager this time) and sending out threatening letters -- some to hitmen, offering them $50,000 for murdering the sheriff who had him arrested.
A humbled Robbins admitted his guilt, asked for forgiveness, and then played the mentally ill card by screaming death threats at the judge. The play did not work. He was sentenced to five years in prison. That's a rookie mistake. Everyone knows threatening a judge gets you jail time, while eating his gavel gets you that sweet psych ward gig.
Baseball Has-Been Lenny Dykstra Live-Tweeted A Dumpster Dive To Find His Dentures
Like many semi-pro perverts, MLB legend Lenny Dykstra had his teeth knocked out in a jail cell brawl. Since then, the 50-something has sported a supposedly $80,000 set of "bone marrow" dentures. Quite a prize, then, to leave unattended. But that's exactly what happened when Dykstra decided to fold his dentures in a napkin at a Jersey Mike's, having taken them out because "the bread is so hard on those subs." If that makes absolutely no sense, neither will the fact that he then carelessly threw them in the trash. And when Dykstra rushed back to the restaurant, he was told told the teeth had already been thrown in one of the dumpsters. Dysktra, being no stranger to adversity, just gritted his gums and dove right in.
So began an epic nine-hour journey to the bottom of the dumpster in search of his magic bone teeth. But mall dumpsters are massive, and Dykstra knew he was in over his head. Taking to social media, he started documenting his smelly search, pleading with his remaining fans to come lend a hand. Only one did: Dykstra's close friend and professional wrestler Sprinkles the Clown. After sifting through New Jersey fast food detritus and offering many unnecessary updates to a morbidly fascinated internet, Dykstra and Sprinkles found the dentures in the early dawn of Father's Day. Yes, you didn't think the story could get more depressing, but he was doing it all to look nice for his kids ... whom we imagine haven't talked to him since he held that Uber driver hostage while high on amphetamines.
E. Reid Ross has a book called BIZARRE WORLD that's on store shelves as we speak. Or you could just order it now from Amazon or Barnes and Noble and leave a scathing/glowing review.
You’d think, since we need it to survive and all, food would be the thing that needs the least marketing in the world, maybe aside from boobs and jet skis.
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E. Reid Ross
Peter I. Santiago
Marvin Bea
Tee Ngin Rui
