4

Aaron Carter Claimed To Be The Victim Of A Boy Band Turf War

Things were rough for Aaron Carter back in 2013. After a stint at Betty Ford to "heal some emotional and spiritual issues," which sounds like a heck of a drug, the former Disney star had been mostly confined to reality TV. But he was on the upswing -- back on tour, scheduled to play a concert in Boston that June. Unfortunately, the night before, he claimed he was jumped by New Kids on the Block fans outside a restaurant. One man allegedly shouted "I heard you're doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids." Three other men then jumped out of a Chevy and attacked him. We don't want to blame the victim here, but he should have known better; Boston is famous for its loyalty to its boy bands.

We're not saying it didn't happen, but only because we can't imagine what more embarrassing situation he might be covering up. We know something happened, because Carter posted pictures of the bruises on his face and hands to his Instagram, but he told TMZ he had declined to alert police to the attack because it was too "girlie." It wasn't too girlie to get his name back in headlines, though. That way, he could control the story, claiming that his opponents "lost" because he's "a 6th degree black belt [sic] in Muay Thai," which is not a thing.

Aaron Carter/InstagramThe original post has since been deleted, which we're sure is for legal reasons and not because it made him look like a doofus in front of the entire country.

3

Spencer Pratt And Heidi Montag Are Conspiracy Theorist Lifestyle Gurus

We've mentioned before that reality TV stars Spencer and Heidi Pratt blew their fortune because God played a hilarious prank on them. But instead of admitting defeat and getting a real job, Spencer vowed to get their riches back by becoming a male Gwyneth Paltrow. This meant slapping his Pratt Daddy brand -- yes, it's really called that -- on anything he could embed with crystals, from dog collars to coffee. He even managed to work some sponsored content into the announcement of his son's birth. If it helps, that kid was never gonna be normal.

"I feel like there was something else I was meaning to tweet about ... Oh right, it's a boy."

Like attracts like, so it wasn't long before Speidi teamed up with another swill merchant masquerading as a lifestyle guru. No, not Gwynnie -- Alex Jones. After running into each other on a Hawaiian beach in the most tragic series of coincidences outside a George R.R. Martin novel, Jones took the opportunity to interview the couple, the male half of which claimed "We were chanting 'Death to the New World Order' about 10 years ago after watching all of your documentaries, and then about a week later, we were no longer on television and haven't had a consistent TV gig since then." Yes, it was the New World Order, and not a complete lack of talent, which stagnated their careers. Honestly, what's most surprising is that Montag and Pratt aren't part of the New World Order.

2

Coolio's Gangsta Cooking Show

As Coolio walked through the valley of the shadow of death of his rap career, he took a look at his life and realized he was a reasonably good cook. After participating in a number of celebrity cook-offs that left him perpetually in Lou Diamond Phillips's dust (really), he took his rage out on the Food Network by launching Cookin' With Coolio, a show in which "I'd be clowning on everyone, with more profanity, and better looking girls, and a better house band." He knows what every cooking show really needs: fly girls.

Well, "sauce girls," actually. The show premiered on his web channel, creatively named My Damn Channel, and ran for ten episodes. It showed Coolio cooking things like "Drunk-Ass Chicken" from ingredients stored in dime bags, surrounded by the aforementioned scantily clad assistants, and of course, all while constantly terrorizing people. One episode purported to show viewers how to get children to eat vegetables, and mostly consisted of Coolio screaming instructions at someone's child. It is not clear who they were, or why they were allowed anywhere on Coolio's property. Another episode about cooking steak and garlic bread apparently required "kidnapping" a "college student," wrapping his head in duct tape, and beating him with baguettes.

MyDamnChannel/YouTubeDone by a pair of women who are clearly beginning to doubt if this was as career-building a role as the Craigslist ad promised.

1

The Situation Released Everything From Apps To Comic Books, And Then Went To Prison

It takes an iron will to embarrass oneself in real time, but some guys have a knack for it. Jersey Shore's Mike Sorrentino, or "The Situation" as he prefers to be called, was a one-trick pony who, in an effort to prove he wasn't just a sad chiseled lump of protein, wound up proving exactly that. In 2010, he launched an iPhone app that featured a workout plan and a "GTL finder" which located the nearest gyms, tanning salons, and laundromats to the user, which was a solid business plan for his niche. Unfortunately, he simply couldn't stay there.

Hey TurboWe know it seems impossible, but the guy charging five bucks for a map program that only finds three things didn't show much restraint.