Hey, wake up.
Hi there, sleepyhead. Are you OK? You were shivering something awful. What's that? You thought you were watching a trailer for a movie version of the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Cats in which all the actors were digitally made up to look like disturbing human/cat hybrids? And some of the cats are curiously busty? No, don't worry, that was just a bad dream, probably because of all the kitty litter you ate after we slipped you molly last night. There's no such thing as a new movie adaptation of Cats. The universe wouldn't allow it.
Wait, what was that?
Oh no. What did you bring? WHAT DID YOU BRING? It's too late. Quick, there's stapler in the desk. No, don't shoot the trailer, shoot me in the eyes before it can autopla-
So remember when we all made fun of The Lion King last week, and how its photorealistic animals have only a fraction of the expressive range of a human being? Apparently, one of us did so while clutching a monkey's paw, and now we have this, the first-ever movie funded entirely by the horniest of Japanese salarymen.
The movie is directed by Les Miserables' Tom Hooper, who clearly still hasn't gotten over Tumblr banning all adult content, and features a carousel ride of distinguished actors, whom we have to assume didn't realize their green screen zentai suits would turn them into furry RealDolls until it was too late.
Like the musical, the movie features anthropomorphic cats played by actors in bodysuits, except that now they're enhanced with CGI to look like actual cat people, because FX specialists have finally nailed the art of fur animation. Which means we have to find those people and stop them using any and all means justified. And it's hard to decide which part of this neural net nightmare of a trailer is most upsetting. Is it the fact that some of these lady cats have prominent human anatomy?
Might it be that they clearly understand the concept of clothing, yet some choose to be naked, while others wear fur coats and nothing else?
Is it the fact that the cats (who are already disturbingly too small) keep changing sizes, as if this didn't already resemble an Alice in Wonderland fever dream?
Or that they sometimes move in a creepy, disjointed way that raises the hairs on your neck?
Whatever will make you wake up screaming the loudest tonight, you know you've watched an affront to humanity when James Corden spitting on a 20-something ballerina doesn't even crack the top 10 most objectionable moments.
We're not sure how they did it, but they've managed to out-ghoul the already ghoulish "greasepaint and luudes" aesthetic of the musical. Cats is set to ruin Christmas 2019.
If watching this trailer awakened anything inside Cedric, you can find it out on his Twitter.
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