4 Small Town News Stories Straight Out Of Urban Legends
Sometimes there's nothing more terrifying than a small town. Just ask fans of Stephen King, Stranger Things, or meaningful employment after high school. But some small towns are far more disturbing than others, and even their local news stories read like jacket copy for bizarre horror novels. For example ...
A Family Discovered Animal Carcasses Stuffed In The Walls Of Their Home
The Bretzius family of Schuylkill County, Pennsylvania busted open one of their walls back in 2015, only to find it insulated with bunches of dried-out herbs, talismans, and mummified animals dating from the 1930s and '40s. Understandably worried that they'd accidentally moved into the start of a horror movie, the Bretziuses opened up some more walls to see what terrors lurked beneath, as if they (and we) didn't already know the answer.
Most of the house's walls were stuffed with desiccated corpses, and that's only "most" because the family ran out of money before they could get around to investigating the rest. The cost of renovating/exorcising their walls ran to $20,000, which their insurer refused to cover, on the grounds that the animals were already in the property when they moved in.
According to a local historian, the home was previously occupied by a practitioner of "pow-wow" magic -- a folk tradition endemic to Pennsylvania that promises followers a life free from health problems and bad luck. The "pow-wow" talismans embedded in the walls must've been busted, then, because the Bretziuses didn't just suffer great financial harm. The unholy relics also released a bunch of mold spores that caused everyone to get sick.
There's a lesson here, kids: If you're ever renovating a property and discover what looks like occult paraphernalia, do the smart thing and leave it the hell alone.
A Farmer Had To Saw Off His Own Leg To Save Himself From Being Eaten By A Grain Auger
Nebraska farmer Kurt Kaser was unloading corn from his truck into a grain auger when- wait, does everyone know what an auger is? If not, it's a long pipe that uses a large rotating shaft shaped like a screw or drill bit to carry grain wherever it's required. For the purposes of this entry, remember the words "large rotating shaft ... like a drill."
When Kaser had finished, he stepped out of his truck and right into the opening of the auger -- which, as you'd expect, immediately snatched his leg and began chewing on it like he was human-flavored jerky. Wait, we found a video of what it probably looked like:
In order to avoid losing more than his leg, Kaser pulled out a 4-inch pocket knife and started hacking away below his knee like, well, a human auger. He nearly dropped the knife at one point, but soon enough he was free ... but not necessarily in the clear. As this was one of those days, Kaser had left his cellphone at home. In order to fetch help, therefore, he had to crawl 150 yards over gravel and rock to the nearest phone, after which he was finally rescued by an air ambulance.
In an interview, Kaser admitted that he'd cut away the auger's safety screen a few months prior, and had been meaning, in that way everyone does pre-mauling, to fix it. "I'm kind of disappointed in myself that I didn't think of fixing that thing, or whatever. But that's why they call them accidents I guess."
Someone Broke Into A House To Smoke Weed ... And Found A Tiger Living Inside
Listen, if you want to smoke weed, go for it. We just ask that you stay as safe as possible, and try not to do anything stupider than putting ketchup on ice cream. We don't want to open a newspaper one day and find out that your dumb ass is famous because you went into an "abandoned" house to smoke up and found yourself face-to-cage with a tiger -- as recently happened to one amateur pharmacy technician from Houston.
They found the beast in a cage in the garage, without food, water, or (more worryingly) a proper padlock on the door. The "marijuana enthusiast" phoned the police ... and was immediately bombarded with questions about whether the tiger was in fact nothing but a drug-fueled misadventure, as if the caller was living out a trash remake of Fantasia.
Luckily, there was a happy ending for all involved. The police soon arrived and rescued the tiger, and its owner was arrested for animal cruelty. The tiger was taken to a local animal sanctuary, and D.A.R.E. got some powerful new material.
A Man Discovered That Someone Broke Into His Home, Cleaned It, And Left
If you've ever experienced a break-in, you'll know a particular kind of feeling. It's the anger and hopelessness that comes with knowing that your home, your sanctum, your fortress, has been violated -- and that half of your stuff is about to be pawned for drug money. Or you could feel like Nate Roman, a resident of Marlborough, Massachusetts who arrived home to find his front door open and unlocked. When he wandered the place, he noticed something odd: Nothing had been taken, and the place was clean. Indeed, it was almost too clean.
When Roman left for work that morning, he and his son's bedrooms were a mess. Now? They were spotless, as were his rugs, which had been vacuumed, and his counter tops, which had been cleared of stray objects. That's when he went into the bathroom and found them. The roses made of toilet paper.
Somebody had broken into his home and cleaned the place from top to bottom.
With no witnesses and, let's face it, barely any evidence of a crime having been committed, Roman never discovered who did it or exactly what happened. Were they shooting porn? Had he been turned over by a recidivist ex-con who did hard time at finishing school? Are we sure it wasn't porn?
The best theory Roman has is that this was the work of a professional cleaning company that had gotten their addresses confused -- but, like, a hardcore one that straight up breaks into people's houses if they're not in. Roman has since changed his locks, but kept the toilet paper roses as a memento of his brush with the weirdest criminal syndicate in the country.
For more, check out the 6 Most Eerily Convincing Ghost Videos On YouTube - The Spit Take:
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