Then Bear Grylls pops up, shouts that it's his job to test Land Rover products "in extreme situations," and manufactures one such (wholly unnecessary) situation.

Jaguar Land RoverIt seems like testing under extreme passive-aggressive silence would be more customer-focused, but we guess that doesn't move as many cars.

He's testing Land Rover's new "intelligent seat fold technology," which appears to be a simple smartphone app. It can purportedly reconfigure your Land Rover's seats from anywhere in the world, in case you find yourself so bored on a tropical beach or whatever that you decide to fiddle with your car seats. This could theoretically be demonstrated by using the app from, say, across a large parking lot -- easily the longest distance anyone would practically need to lower their seats. Instead, seven people jump out of the plane while one of them reprograms the seats of their waiting Land Rover to accommodate them.

Jaguar Land RoverIn a commercial where people jump out of a plane, this is somehow supposed to be the exciting part.

Finally! Now all those luxury SUV fans who find themselves suddenly making a bunch of friends while hurtling to the ground from 3,000 feet in the air, and decide to go out for hot wings with all of them in the event that they survive the landing, and can't stand to wait five seconds while the seats reconfigure on the ground like a reasonable person, have a car just for them. All none of them.

A guy behind a glass wall with a microphone invites them to inspect the cage, and then suddenly announces "Now I'm going to release a 700-pound grizzly bear into the room, so you better pick a cage and get in it."

ChevroletWhich is obviously what you keep for scientifically objective quality testing in your metal cage factory.

The "real people," of course, pick the "high-strength" steel cage over the flimsy aluminum one. When the guy with the microphone asks them how they feel about their choice, the captives gush with relief, rather than cursing the mysterious sinister entity trying to murder them with apex predators.

Chevrolet"GIVE ME YOUR PIC-A-NIC BASKETS!!"

Never mind that there's quite a lot of evidence that the bear is trained and the people in the cages knew what to expect. The steel-built Silverado is then revealed to the ostensibly terrified captives as the only truck for a true manly man (who does not want to be eaten by bears). Just in case that wasn't clear, one of the test subjects -- who, again, is currently trapped in a cage and has just cheated death -- remarks, "That's a manly truck right there, man."

ChevroletThe truck then proceeds to haul the bear, testing the theoretical limits of masculine posturing.

A commercial for another Kraft line of frozen foods, Devour, implies that their food is as good as masturbating -- even to the point of addiction. The uncensored version found on their Twitter page (itself devoted to convincing followers that this is what people eat while watching sports, instead of ordering pizza like a normal person) tells the sad story of a man "addicted to frozen food porn" -- a concept they hopefully invented just now.

Kraft HeinzWe guess this was supposed to be the appetizing part?

These burgers don't merely feed you; they're "hi-performance human fuel." In one ad, a racer knocks over power lines in the desperate dash to get to Checkers, where an employee scanning the area with binoculars (as fast food workers do) sees her coming and presses a button that looks like it launches missiles. But no, it launches a finely coordinated burger production process. One employee flips a patty, and another skillfully catches it in a bun. They lovingly lay bacon and cheese on the patty while the racer speeds through ditches and jumps over cars to get to them. She drifts to the drive-thru, grabs the burger, eats it, and then watches her "hi-performance human fuel" gauge rise to "full" before she rides into the distance. The message is clear: These are badass burgers for badass people.

Another ad from the same campaign is even more extreme to the max. That same racer sees a rival driving away from Checkers and takes off her sunglasses, which is how you know shit is about to get real. She drives straight at him, forcing him into a game of chicken, which he loses when he flips over into a ditch. She runs to the wreckage of his car, swipes the burger from his still-twitching hand before he breathes his last, and eats it.

Yes, Checkers sank their advertising budget into selling 99-cent chicken sandwiches as the food that might turn you into a murderer.

The commercial concludes that CPAs influence "every landscape we live in and work in," then challenges the audience to call such mavericks boring.

CPA CanadaThough it's a great ad for how much CPAs must make if they can create a commercial like this in a desperate attempt to convince you they're cool.

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