Uh, The David Bowie Movie Won't Have Bowie's Music In It

Biopics about musicians have it easy. Not only do most bands have crazier lives than the average Marvel superhero, but filmmakers can rely so heavily on the music that the movie itself barely has to be better than those videos they screen above the lyrics at karaoke bars. But that is definitely going to be an issue for the upcoming David Bowie biopic, because despite being all about his early influences, the soundtrack won't be featuring his greatest musical influence of all: David Bowie.

Throwing all the current genre buzzwords into a blender, the upcoming musical biopic Stardust will be a kind of an origin story, recounting Bowie's first visit to America in 1971, where he gave crazy space-birth to his iconic character Ziggy Stardust. Actor Johnny Flynn, a talented musician in his own right, will star as Bowie, and he's as good a choice as any to utterly fail at evoking even a modicum of the genius and charm that the now-departed Elven King could fart out at will.

Getty/Alex LiveseyAnd they already had to blow the CGI budget on the spiders from Mars

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

But even if no mortal shell can hold the glory of Bowie, Deadline reports that the movie will also feature "a varied soundtrack from the era" -- considered by many the most banging era ever. So varied, in fact, that the movie hopes you won't miss a distinctive lack of Bowie. That's because, despite the claim that Stardust will feature "a small number of Bowie performances," Bowie's son Duncan Jones stated on Twitter that nope, that's not going to happen.

Turns out Stardust's producers never checked in with ground control -- i.e. asked Bowie's family and estate if it was cool to commercialize the legend's life and use his music. Jones affirmed that "as it stands, this movie won't have any of dad's music in it, & I can't imagine that changing." So playing "Changes" is definitely off the table, then.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

But not wanting to bum out his dad's fans (our moms) too much, Jones, himself an award-winning filmmaker, immediately followed up this announcement with a biopic pitch of his own: an animated movie about the the Thin White Duke written by Neil Gaiman and made by Into The Spider-Verse director Peter Ramsay -- to no greater surprise than that of Gaiman and Ramsay.

But if you think about it, the idea of putting a pair of comic book geniuses in charge of a film about an artist who always felt like he was dropped on this Earth by a meteor seems so right that it's hard to even care anymore about a Bowie movie that features inferior fleshbags. So let's wait for that movie to materialize instead of going to watch Stardust and its inevitable off-brand Bowie covers "Zippy Stardust," "Space Anomaly," and the classic "Copyright Violator, Copyright Violator."

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

For more weird tangents and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

Support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out A Defense Of Ben Affleck's Batman (Seriously) and The Internet's Debating Who's Sexier: Venom Or Ted Bundy?

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

Follow us on Facebook. And we'll follow you everywhere.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

35 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

5 Famous Old Movies That Now Look Painfully Stupid In 2019

The flow of time is cruel to us all.

184

6 Insanely Complex Pop Culture Mysteries Solved By Fans

Some particularly obsessed fans sacrifice huge amounts of time and effort to come up with answers so we can all sleep a little better at night.

66

5 Cute Easter Eggs That Turned Into Huge Disasters

Rarely does an Easter egg shatter your hold on reality ... but these just might.

78

6 Utterly Insane Movie Moments Everybody Forgets Exist

Lots of people forgot these movie moments ... but, like, how?

156

6 Directors Who Use The Same Weird Scene In Every Movie

You'll never unsee these unusual tics.

70

6 Classic Films That Almost Turned Out Terrible

Let us gaze into the parallel realities where these famous movies are really just infamously terrible.

153