6 Crazy Fox News Stories (That Are Real)
Although it might seem like it's entirely supported by dodgy cash-for-gold schemes and whatever pocket change your grandparents regularly send the hosts for "fightin' the good fight," Fox News still has advertisers. That means they have to keep those advertisers happy, and that means keeping their audience entertained, and that means selling the coldest "hot takes" this side of Dennis Miller's Twitter feed. For example ...
"Pepper Spray Is Good, Actually!"
Fox News has a time-tested formula: If liberals like it, it's bad for America, and if liberals hate it, it's the greatest thing to happen to America since Reaganomics. It's an approach that works 99.9 percent of the time, but when that 0.1 percent rolls around, you get segments like this:
In the aftermath of the U.S. Border Patrol's tear gas attack on refugees seeking asylum at the U.S.-Mexico border, Fox interviewed Ronald Colburn (former deputy chief of the CBP) in order to get his garbage opinion on matters. This ended with him declaring that because tear gas is natural and only contains "water, pepper, a small amount of alcohol," it's perfectly safe. So safe that you could "put it on your nachos and eat it."
Unfortunately, the segment ended before Colburn could explain why the CBP continues to use tear gas if it's nothing more than guac's hardcore cousin. In any case, we'd recommend steering clear of the nachos at any future family gathering hosted by your Fox-watching relatives.
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"And So Is Waterboarding!"
Back in 2009, haunted Alec Baldwin waxwork and Very Serious Journalist Sean Hannity was debating the legality of waterboarding with the dad from Beethoven when, seemingly out of nowhere, Hannity signed himself up to be waterboarded for charity.
In the same interview, Hannity compared waterboarding to dunking someone's head in water. So there was no way that he was wasn't going to go through with it, right?
Nearly ten years on, not only has Hannity managed to avoid any form of waterboarding (short of that time he allowed Trump to piss all over his interview skills), but he also blows up at anyone who reminds the world about his failed commitment to the troops. We also don't expect this situation to change anytime soon, not least because it's going to be hard for him to sign any waivers now that his lawyer is in jail.
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"Poor People Can't Own Household Appliances!"
These days, Fox bills itself as the champion of the working class -- the downtrodden, neglected, overlooked, salt-of-the-earth folks suffering the sort of economic anxiety that only hardcore race-baiting and tax cuts for the wealthy could solve.
It wasn't always like this, though. As hard as it is to picture, there was a time when Fox had such a hate-boner for the common man that they were questioning whether the poor deserved everyday items like microwaves, air conditioning, and television.
In one round-table discussion in 2011, for instance, Lou Dobbs and now-disgraced sex monster Bill O'Reilly poured hot shit on the idea that poverty exists by pointing out that many of those "in poverty" actually owned a thing or two.
"82 percent have a microwave. 78 percent have air conditioning. More than one television, 65 percent," O'Reilly listed off. "Cable or satellite TV, 64 percent. Cell phones, 55 percent. Personal computer, 39 percent."
The segment ended with Dobbs and O'Reilly reaffirming, not for the first time, that they weren't trying to diminish the suffering of poor people. They were just saying that the existence of poor people means the capitalist system is working perfectly, and how dare anyone try to rise above their station when they have the luxury of a waffle iron right there in their kitchen.
"Santa Is Real, So He Can't Be Black!"
A couple of months ago, Megyn Kelly landed herself in a right ol' spot of bother when she professed how totally alright blackface is. Which is kinda weird. Not just because that's a monstrous opinion, but also because the last time she covered the topic of white people becoming black people, she drew a line in the sand about exactly when it's acceptable and when it isn't.
That line? Santa Claus.
We guess turning Nicholas of Myra into a fat magical elf is fine, but a black fat magical elf is too unrealistic.
In 2013, Kelly was discussing an article by Slate journalist Aisha Harris, in which Harris suggested that Santa "should no longer be a white man" (a suggestion made, by her own admission, partially tongue in cheek). Kelly's response? That it was wrong, wrong, wrong to change Santa's race ... especially in light of the fact that Santa, like Jesus, totally existed.
"Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change ... Jesus was a white man, too. It's like we have, he's a historical figure that's a verifiable fact, as is Santa, I just want kids to know that. How do you revise it in the middle of the legacy in the story and change Santa from white to black?"
Shit, no one tell her where Jesus was from. She'd lose her fucking mind.
"Jamie Lee Curtis Shot A Gun In A Movie! Hypocrite!"
Fox has a love-hate relationship with celebrities. On the one hand, they need to pander to celebrities, not only because that's where the money is, but also because they need to build their brand with young people, ensuring that Tucker Carlson is kept rolling in white hoods long after a cold snap kills off their current market share. On the other hand, many celebrities are the epitome of everything that Fox hates: liberalism, unchecked cultural influence, entitlement, and -- worst of all -- hypocrisy. Particularly when it comes to the godless sodomites who preach gun control one day, and spend the next starring in glossy, gun-packed action movies.
If you noticed that last argument makes zero fucking sense, then congratulations! You are officially smarter than the hack who wrote this scintillating hot take that skewers Jamie Lee Curtis for having the temerity to fire a gun in a movie.
"Mr. Rogers Ruined America!"
We'd ordinarily start this entry by asking what kind of subhumans could hate Mr. Rogers, but you already know who we're talking about. So let's cut the crap and revisit that time back in 2009 when the hosts of Fox & Friends tore into him for several minutes.
We guess they were upset about someone presenting a competing Land of Make-Believe.
The main crux of their argument was that Fred Rogers was an "evil, evil man" who "ruined an entire generation" by telling them that they were special, "even if they didn't deserve it."
"He didn't say, 'If you wanna be special, you're gonna have to work hard,'" they railed. "The world owes you nothing, and you gotta prove it!"
Yeah, right on! The man was obviously a demon. Let's reboot that whole show, but this time "Mr. Rogers" is Roger Stone, and he starts every episode by slapping a minority child over and over until the stagehands start to cry. That's called reality, kids. Welcome the fuck to it.
Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter dedicated to depressing history facts. It's not as heartbreakingly sad as it sounds, promise!
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