As we're ramping up to the holiday season, things can get a little hectic observing all of the festivities. And while you're lighting the turkey on fire, decorating the tree with kente, and wishing the people you're trampling at Best Buy "Happy Wintermas," it's easy to lose track of the true spirit of the holidays. We're here to give thanks to and celebrate the birthday of a very special person. We're talking, of course, about Danny DeVito.
Finally, we'll be able to properly observe and celebrate the birth of our grumpiest, shadiest of prophets. Last April, the fragrant state of New Jersey declared this November 17, 2018 the first official Danny DeVito Day, in honor of its most famous native son (suck it, Springsteen). And how does the Penguin feel about this gift? Mixed. "Of course, they first told me I could have a beach. Yeah, but they reneged," he said in an interview, which might be the most New Jersey response ever to getting a day named after you.
But it's still looking to be a great day, with celebrations led by New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy and a great wave of pride coming over his hometown of Neptune Township. But people all over the world have been getting into the (ornery) spirit, presumably donning their boiled denim and apparently putting up their creepy DeVito shrines.
Now, outside of New Jersey, not a lot of places do the big traditional DeVito Day parades, where giant balloon Schwarzeneggers float through the sky and actors throw big wicker dolls of mommas off trains. But you can still get into the spirit with a more modern, intimate DeVito Day celebration: monster condoms hanging from the mantelpiece, one-sided debates on gun control, children playing Nightcrawlers (privately) while the adults feast on rum ham (or if you observe a religion that doesn't allow pork, crow's eggs marinated in Wolf Cola). Of course, don't forget to leave one seat on the couch empty, to symbolize the hope that the Trash Man will climb out of the cushions and scare the children into being good for a whole year.
Then, after the feast, everyone can whip out their favorite toe knife to open the many tiny presents -- because on Danny DeVito Day, good things come in small packages.
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