5 Historical Facts That Were Way Too Stupid For The Movies

Peeing in modern-day jets isn't much easier. At least two F-16 pilots have crashed while trying to go. Pilots have to stay well-hydrated to withstand heavy G-Forces, and there are only so many ways a human can relieve themselves while strapped into a tiny bubble. They have to either take a "piddle pack" up in the air with them, or hook up "relief tubes," which are exactly what they sound like. Imagine Luke Skywalker bravely hopping into his X-Wing, checking all the thrusters, hearing Obi-Wan's voice in his ears, then hooking up a tube to his wang. Imagine it, damn you!

A horo was made from strips of cloth or silk stitched together into the rough shape of a bag, sometimes draped over a wooden or wicker frame, and was worn by messengers and high-ranking samurai to protect them from arrows. When riding a horse, the bag would fill up with air and inflate, creating the world's very first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cosplay.

To answer your question -- which is obviously "Dear god, why?" -- the Greeks thought that chastity would improve an athlete's performance, and the kynodesme helped avoid any unfortunate training boners. The kynodesme also made sure that a proudly nude Greek athlete didn't show the head of his penis in public, which was considered very shameful. It seems like there might be easier solutions for that than foreskin laces, but we didn't invent philosophy, so we'll have to give them the benefit of the doubt on that one.

The Romans went a step further and threw in dick clamps as well. Roman gladiators scorned dainty little ribbons like the kynodesme, instead employing iron rings, metal clasps, or even plain old safety pins. Imagine the scene in Gladiator in which they arrive in Rome and stare in awe at the Colosseum, but then Oliver Reed rushes in and jams a safety pin through Russell Crowe's dick. That's history.

That's not to breastfeed -- it was more likely meant to be a reflection of her own dress sense, which a shocked chronicler described as "open robes in the front where one sees her breasts." This style was widely imitated, leading a bishop to decry the new trend for "front openings through which one sees the teats, nipples, and breasts of women."

Agnes' fashion-forward approach led one unkind historian to declare her "history's first bimbo," but she was much more than that. Charles VII was totally overwhelmed by her, to the point where a future pope observed "whether at table, in bed, or in the council chamber, she must needs be always at his side." She used that influence to encourage the underwhelming king to fight against the English invaders, and she may have died for her country. In 2005, a French study revealed that she died from acute mercury poisoning at age 28. Of course, that doesn't mean she was intentionally poisoned -- 15th-century nobles would basically gargle mercury every time they got a headache -- but it is interesting in light of contemporary rumors that the king's son poisoned her to get her out of the way.

In any case, Agnes will always be remembered for two things: hating the English and rockin' tits. It's a wonder she's never appeared on any French currency.

Taylor Daine is not an '80s one-hit wonder, but rather a Midwest comedian and writer who tweets at @turtledovejones.

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For more, check out 33 Shocking Facts That Will Change How You Picture History and 6 Dark Details History Usually Leaves Out (For Good Reason).

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