5 Historical Facts That Were Way Too Stupid For The Movies

5

The CIA Used Sex Dolls To Trick The KGB

Cold War thrillers are tense games of cat and mouse featuring high-tech gadgets that range from the slick to the wildly cartoonish. In real life, though, the CIA opted for something a little simpler when they wanted to avoid detection by the Soviets: inflatable sex dolls.

It was nearly impossible for CIA operatives to move through Moscow incognito in the '70s, because the KGB had mastered identifying and tailing their cars. But the agency still needed a way to slip out undetected and meet their contacts, complete their missions, or spend some alone time with their sex dolls. Wait, that's the answer! Blow-up dolls would replace an agent in their car after they snuck out while their tail wasn't looking. This was before the internet, so the dolls had to be purchased from sex shops by the agents themselves -- according to one agent, he was too embarrassed to ask his secretary to do it for him. To be fair, "That's classified, ma'am" has never worked as a sex-toy-related excuse in all of history.

DF5KX/Wikimedia Commons“It’s for national security. Also, America needs a copy of Ass Smashers 9.”

"But wait," you might be thinking, "wouldn't a sex doll be pretty conspicuous in the car before the agent slipped out?" Sounds like somebody hasn't seen Airplane! They simply manufactured rigs from airbags that could be hidden in a car until they needed the doll to pop out, fully inflated, like a jack in the box. That's actually what the CIA called them -- "JIBs," for "jack in boxes." They giggled every single time they said it. We don't have a source for that last claim, we just know it to be true.

4

Peeing And Pooping In Fighter Jets Is An Absolute Nightmare

Picture any gritty WWII movie -- that long, slow pan over the crew of a long-range bomber, their engines in flames, their escorts destroyed. They know they have to carry out their mission, and they know they won't be going home. And now picture all of that, but covered in shit. That was the reality of long-range bombers during World War II. They often had to fly extremely long missions, and airborne lavatory technology was still ... rudimentary, at best.

The British Lancaster Bomber had one makeshift chemical toilet sitting out in the open, right in the middle of everyone, and it would constantly overflow. That's bad enough, but when they hit turbulence, the laws of physics teamed up with the vengeful toilet to give as good as it got. That dramatic closing monologue about young Gunner Wilson's bravery is spoiled a little bit when you zoom in and see the toilet paper behind the pilot's ear.

Devon S A/Royal Air ForceExcept that there’s no way toilet paper would be discarded like that. That stuff was precious.

3

Samurai Wore Massive, Silly Balloons

When you picture a samurai, a few things come to mind: regal armor, cool weapons, bitchin' topknots. You probably don't picture some dork riding around with a giant balloon strapped to his back like a toddler whose mom doesn't want to lose him in a crowd.

Utagawa KuniyoshiYou can see the shame in his eyes

2

Greco-Roman Men Regularly Tied Their Foreskins Shut In Public

The Olympics of Ancient Greece were one of the true wonders of the ancient world, and perhaps best embody the enduring dignity of sport to this day ... just as long as you don't ... look ... down ...

Via WikipediaEither this guy has a ribbon on his dick or Doug the Moth-Fucker has invented time travel.

What you're trying not to look at is the ancient Greek athletic practice of tying one's foreskin shut with a little cord called a kynodesme, which is a cute name for a dong string. The name literally translates to "dog leash," and for once, we are aggressively uninterested in the etymology.

1

Agnes Sorel Started A Trend Of Walking Around 15th-Century France With One Breast Out

Agnes Sorel made history as the first official mistress of a French king. Obviously, there had been plenty before her, but she was the first one to really make a career out of it. She hit the court like an absolute hurricane, leaving awed contemporaries to declare her "the most beautiful woman in the world" and "a bad example to modest and honest women" -- two of the nicest compliments a 15th-century writer could give. That last one was probably due to her habit of going around with her boobs hanging out, most famously depicted in this painting of her as, ironically, the Virgin Mary.

Jean FouquetThough she must not have spent much time around this painter, who had clearly never seen a breast in his life.