3

Samurai Wore Massive, Silly Balloons

When you picture a samurai, a few things come to mind: regal armor, cool weapons, bitchin' topknots. You probably don't picture some dork riding around with a giant balloon strapped to his back like a toddler whose mom doesn't want to lose him in a crowd.

Utagawa KuniyoshiYou can see the shame in his eyes

A horo was made from strips of cloth or silk stitched together into the rough shape of a bag, sometimes draped over a wooden or wicker frame, and was worn by messengers and high-ranking samurai to protect them from arrows. When riding a horse, the bag would fill up with air and inflate, creating the world's very first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cosplay.

2

Greco-Roman Men Regularly Tied Their Foreskins Shut In Public

The Olympics of Ancient Greece were one of the true wonders of the ancient world, and perhaps best embody the enduring dignity of sport to this day ... just as long as you don't ... look ... down ...

Via WikipediaEither this guy has a ribbon on his dick or Doug the Moth-Fucker has invented time travel.

What you're trying not to look at is the ancient Greek athletic practice of tying one's foreskin shut with a little cord called a kynodesme, which is a cute name for a dong string. The name literally translates to "dog leash," and for once, we are aggressively uninterested in the etymology.

To answer your question -- which is obviously "Dear god, why?" -- the Greeks thought that chastity would improve an athlete's performance, and the kynodesme helped avoid any unfortunate training boners. The kynodesme also made sure that a proudly nude Greek athlete didn't show the head of his penis in public, which was considered very shameful. It seems like there might be easier solutions for that than foreskin laces, but we didn't invent philosophy, so we'll have to give them the benefit of the doubt on that one.

Henry Walters/Massarenti CollectionThis guy might want to downgrade from "cord" to "thread."

The Romans went a step further and threw in dick clamps as well. Roman gladiators scorned dainty little ribbons like the kynodesme, instead employing iron rings, metal clasps, or even plain old safety pins. Imagine the scene in Gladiator in which they arrive in Rome and stare in awe at the Colosseum, but then Oliver Reed rushes in and jams a safety pin through Russell Crowe's dick. That's history.

1

Agnes Sorel Started A Trend Of Walking Around 15th-Century France With One Breast Out

Agnes Sorel made history as the first official mistress of a French king. Obviously, there had been plenty before her, but she was the first one to really make a career out of it. She hit the court like an absolute hurricane, leaving awed contemporaries to declare her "the most beautiful woman in the world" and "a bad example to modest and honest women" -- two of the nicest compliments a 15th-century writer could give. That last one was probably due to her habit of going around with her boobs hanging out, most famously depicted in this painting of her as, ironically, the Virgin Mary.

Jean FouquetThough she must not have spent much time around this painter, who had clearly never seen a breast in his life.

That's not to breastfeed -- it was more likely meant to be a reflection of her own dress sense, which a shocked chronicler described as "open robes in the front where one sees her breasts." This style was widely imitated, leading a bishop to decry the new trend for "front openings through which one sees the teats, nipples, and breasts of women."

Via WikipediaEyes on the floor, Bishop. Always on God's floor.

Agnes' fashion-forward approach led one unkind historian to declare her "history's first bimbo," but she was much more than that. Charles VII was totally overwhelmed by her, to the point where a future pope observed "whether at table, in bed, or in the council chamber, she must needs be always at his side." She used that influence to encourage the underwhelming king to fight against the English invaders, and she may have died for her country. In 2005, a French study revealed that she died from acute mercury poisoning at age 28. Of course, that doesn't mean she was intentionally poisoned -- 15th-century nobles would basically gargle mercury every time they got a headache -- but it is interesting in light of contemporary rumors that the king's son poisoned her to get her out of the way.

In any case, Agnes will always be remembered for two things: hating the English and rockin' tits. It's a wonder she's never appeared on any French currency.

Taylor Daine is not an '80s one-hit wonder, but rather a Midwest comedian and writer who tweets at @turtledovejones.

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