Andrew And Matthias In ... The City Of The Man-Eaters!
The Acts Of Andrew And Matthias Among The Man-Eaters is possibly the best pulp title of the Biblical era. It all starts when the apostles draw lots to decide which countries they'll go preach in. Andrew gets central Greece, Thomas gets India, and Matthias gets Cannibal City, which must have been kind of a bummer.
And it isn't just a name. As soon as Matthias steps through the gate, the cannibals grab him and gouge out his eyes. They also give him a special drug that makes their captives act like cows, because you really have to up your twist game if you want to compete in the Biblical genre. Fortunately, Jesus immediately gives him his eyes back (though Matthias has to keep them closed so the cannibals, a naturally untrusting people, don't get suspicious). He then orders Andrew to come to Matthias' rescue, giving him a special boat so he can make the journey in a mere three days. Presumably still longer than Matthias would prefer, but he's hardly in a position to be choosy.
Workshop of Simone Martini"I can't even kill time going sightseeing ..."
After Jesus and Andrew zoom up in their speedboat to save Matthias from cowboy cannibals, Andrew makes the sign of the cross and the guards all drop dead, allowing him to heal the minds of the cow-men. After teleporting everyone else to one of Peter's sermons, Andrew turns himself invisible and really starts to kick ass, rampaging around the city turning cannibal hands to stone and having the earth swallow them whole.
With his henchmen getting wrecked, it's clearly time for the supervillain to reveal himself. Yes, Satan materializes in the form of an old man and takes control of the cannibals, commanding them to drag Andrew through the streets until "his flesh stuck to the ground, and his blood flowed." Don't worry, Andrew finally wins by enclosing the city in a wall of fire and having a pagan statue spew acid from its mouth, which is "eating them up exceedingly." Unsurprisingly, they quickly promise to stop being cannibals and become Christians if Andrew simply agrees to leave within the week. Hell, the most we've ever gotten out of that deal is some motel money.
A Tub Of Enraged Flesh-Eating Seals vs. Feminist Lightning
The 2nd century Acts Of Paul And Thecla tells the story of -- you'll never believe this -- Paul and Thecla. She's a rich young woman who overhears the Apostle Paul preaching and immediately goes nuts for Christianity. That is not an exaggeration. When Thecla starts "wallowing" in the dirt Paul sits on, the people of her city decide things have gone a little far and try to get her the help she needs. Which back in the day meant burning her at the stake. Luckily, God sends a mighty thunderstorm to put out the flames, and Thecla joins Paul to preach the good word.