6 Totally Insane Sequels You Had No Idea Existed

Judging from the trailer, Earth is once again imperiled by an alien evil seemingly cobbled together from a scrapped Oldsmobile.

Of course, the team comes together to kick ass, apparently with the help of a sword-wielding baby.

Also, judging from this shot of a soiled shirt, it looks like one of them either battled a projectile-vomiting Leprechaun or tanked on a Nickelodeon game show.

Sadly, Hero Mama League was only made as a kind of prologue for a whole other movie, featuring a bunch of dudes who, barring some kind of Schwarzenegger-esque scientific discovery, will never be able to bear children.

And she later gets turned into a Centaur. Even worse, she then sleeps with Xander.

Stranger still, fan favorite Spike befriends an alien race of insect creatures and lives on a goddamn bug-shaped spaceship, like a cross between Firefly and, well, an actual firefly.

Oh, and after hanging out with Spike, the bugs now refer to humans as "wankers." Had this made it to TV, it would have made the "evil beer that magically turns you into a caveman" episode look like your average Modern Family plotline.

Eventually, Buffy learns how to fly. Like, full-on Superman flying. Which, again, would never have happened on a show whose effects budget mostly went to false teeth.

This, of course, paves the way for Buffy and Angel to have intense superpowered sex, which eventually climaxes with their naked bodies destroying an entire mountain.

It's as if the artist was FedExed some teen metal band lyrics by mistake.

This time, the gang are in search of a mythical flower called the Blood Orchid, which a drug company realized is the key to immortality, or as they put it, the "pharmaceutical equivalent to the fountain of youth." They also mention it could be "bigger than Viagra" -- so it's appropriate that they also blame the orchid for the titular monster's prodigious size. The third movie, subtitled Offspring, finds a pregnant snake escaping from a research lab, and the only one who can stop it (that the producers could afford) is ... David Hasselhoff.

Offspring and the fourth movie, Trail Of Blood, both double down on the crucial magic flower concept, centering on a billionaire trying to use the Blood Orchid's powers to cure his cancer -- and he's the villain. The hero of the fifth movie wants to destroy all the orchids, thus preventing more freakishly large snakes. Yeah, to hell with the diseases that plague humanity, those giant snakes are a way more pressing problem.

Instead of another sequel delving into the botanical mythology of a universe that began with an Ice Cube movie, the final installment in the franchise went the Freddy vs. Jason route, pitting the giant anaconda against the giant crocodile from 1999's Lake Placid.

Throw Kevin McCallister into the mix for the sequel, and that will be the ultimate '90s match-up.

The last movie in the original continuity (yeah, we're just getting started) is Beethoven's 5th, and it looks like the writers were starting to run out of canine hijinks, because this one finds Beethoven in search of the buried loot of two dead bank robbers. In the end, he basically becomes Scooby-Doo, exposing a pair of ghosts haunting on old mine shaft as nothing but fakes.

Because no one wanted to give up on this golden brand, but after five adventures even kids probably realized that the original dog should be dead by now, the series rebooted with Beethoven's Big Break, followed by Beethoven's Christmas Adventure. The latter introduces magic into the Beethoven-verse by having the titular dog befriend one of Santa's elves.

Most insanely, despite the fact that Beethoven has never talked in any of the movies before, now that it's Christmas, he suddenly won't shut up -- oh, and he's voiced by Tom Arnold. Either meaning that Beethoven always had an inner monologue we simply couldn't hear, or in the world of the movies, actor Tom Arnold died and was karmically punished by having his consciousness shoehorned into a preexisting dog.

The next movie, Beethoven's Treasure Tail, is the series' second treasure hunt movie. They only lasted two movies before they circled back around to that. This time, Beethoven's searching for pirate booty in a small town that's in danger of being bulldozed by evil land developers. Yeah, they straight up took the script to The Goonies and replaced a handful of children with one dog.

And even though Beethoven was all loquacious in the last movie, here he's dead silent again. That makes it all the more disturbing, knowing that Tom Arnold's soul is secretly trapped in there.

How? Well, remember the Jetsons' cool 1960s futurist house that hovered in the stratosphere?

The comics actually give an explanation for this design, and it's not just to make use of those sweet flying cars. As it turns out, the reason future society populates the clouds, Calrissian-style, is that the Earth has been completely destroyed. We learn that an "ice meteor" collided with the planet, and only a "fraction of humanity" was able to survive.

They even visit the now-submerged ruins of Earth, implied to be littered with millions and millions and millions of corpses.

If the decimation of humanity wasn't soul-taxing enough, the comics also throw some Black Mirror-style wrinkles into the fun future tech of The Jetsons. Remember Rosie, the robot maid? She's still around, but now she "holds the consciousness" of George's dead mother.

So let's all look forward to future series covering Yogi Bear's manic depression and Top Cat's debilitating sex addiction.

2010: Odyssey Two (itself made into a movie) finds a Russian ship journeying in search of Dave's ship to recover the expensive-ass HAL 9000 computer. Dave's ghost pops out of the monolith and visits the ship to warn the Russians that they must leave Jupiter within the next two weeks. No, it's not a spooky Ring-like curse -- eventually, a crap-load of monoliths show up and turn Jupiter into a star. Like through cosmic metamorphosis, not in a PR way.

After ominously naming the new star "Lucifer," the Russian ship gets destroyed, because they rebooted HAL and screwing with humans is kind of HAL's thing. As a thank you from the monolith, HAL gets turned into an alien, and becomes alien friends with Dave. This leads to an epilogue set in the distant future in which Dave and HAL live together inside a monolith, like some kind of sci-fi Odd Couple.

The third book finds Dr. Floyd, one of the original film's characters, having his consciousness duplicated and joining Hal and Bowman in the monolith, which you have to imagine is getting rather cramped at this point. The last book, 3001: The Final Odyssey, reveals that those advanced aliens who built the monoliths just forgot about them, kind of like how we don't give a hoot about outdated iPhones.

The story follows Frank Poole, Dave's astronaut pal who was killed by HAL in the original 2001. It turns out that even though a thousand goddamn years have passed, his body has been perfectly frozen, so they reheat him like he's a Lean Cuisine and everything's totally fine.

In addition to being able to revive people who died a millennia ago, 3001 technology features giant space elevators and "genetically-engineered dinosaur servants," at which point you have to wonder if Kubrick adapted the wrong Arthur C. Clarke story. It turns out that the monoliths are going to wipe out humanity, so Frank gets his old buddies Dave and HAL (who, remember, live inside a monolith) to upload a virus into the monolith matrix -- presumably using Jeff Goldblum's Apple computer.

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For more, check out 6 Movies You Didn't Know Had Catastrophic Unofficial Sequels and 6 WTF Sequels That Nearly Destroyed Your Favorite Movies.

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