5 Unbelievably Bold Political Lies (That Totally Worked)

5

John McCain Lost A Presidential Nomination Because People Believed He Had An "Illegitimate Negro Child"

In 2000, drunken cowboy George W. Bush became president of the United States, ushering in an era of political buffoonery and illegal warfare that wasn't nearly as fun as it sounds. And it needn't have happened at all. During the Republican primaries, Bush was facing off against John McCain, a respected war hero who could string together two sentences without personally offending the dictionary. When Bush realized he might lose to McCain, he ordered his staff "to take the kid gloves off" ... and put on some much more racist ones. You know, with little metal spikes on the knuckles and Confederate flags sewn on the backs. Those gloves.

The White HouseThe W stands for "weasel."

Scandalous rumors began spreading about Cindy McCain's illicit drug use and John's sexuality. Flyers and leaflets that may or may not have been created by the Bush campaign started appearing under windshield wipers all over South Carolina. They all featured the McCain couple in the company of a dark-skinned girl, and they all carried the same accusation: Not only did McCain have a child out of wedlock, it was also a "Negro child." Which is a problem in South Carolina, whose largest demographic is people who insist they're "very comfortable with the Negroes."

All this talk about a dark-skinned illegitimate child must've been very confusing for Bridget McCain, the very legitimately adopted daughter of the McCain family.

Cindy McCain had met Bridget while on a relief mission in Bangladesh, and helped the girl receive surgery for her cleft lip in the United States. The couple decided to adopt her, granting her the wonderful chance to live in the kind of place where her mere existence destroyed a presidential bid.

4

Bill Clinton Promoted Racist Crackdowns Through Fears Of Fake "Cop Killer" Bullets

"Cop killers" supposedly refer to Teflon-coated rounds that have the ability to pierce Kevlar vests -- the kind police officers wear. During his presidency, Bill Clinton loved to speechify about the dangers of cop killers, at one point meeting with a police widow whom he claimed lost her husband to that damnable ammunition. To end the madness, Clinton called on Congress to finally start banning these menaces outright. "I never saw a deer in a Kevlar vest," the president said, and we all nodded. Deer are stupid like that.

U.S. Navy"If Bambi's mom wasn't such a dumbo, she'd still be alive today."

3

The First Catholic Who Ran For President Was Accused Of Building A Pope Tunnel

Americans have long feared the infiltration of their political offices by weird fringe religious groups.

By which we mean Catholics.

These days, presidential candidates simply have to throw Jesus a "what's up" nod and they're good to go, but past generations were a lot pickier. JFK broke the mold, of course, but only three decades prior, being a Catholic meant your chances of becoming president were smaller than a wine pour at mass. Seriously, what is up with those stingy pours, Father? It takes forever to get drunk in church.

Anyway, in 1928, Governor Al Smith was running as the Democratic presidential nominee. Smith was the perfect American success story. Born to a poor family, he started working at the age of 12 and never stopped. He was eventually elected New York governor four times. He sounded great on paper. However, he was also a proud Irish Catholic, which according to the majority of American voters meant they might as well be voting for the Antichrist.

Carmina Burana to really hammer it home." width="300" height="369" class="lazy" data-src="https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/7/0/0/661700_v2.jpg" />Library of CongressThey had a choir following him chanting "Carmina Burana" to really hammer it home.

2

The IRS Never Targeted Conservatives At Obama's Order

If you're a regular viewer of Fox News, first of all, welcome to your regularly scheduled hate-browsing of a liberal-leaning website. Now, you're no doubt well aware of how the Obama presidency was filled with more devastating scandals than you can shake a Muslim prayer stick at. From wearing disrespectful suits to ordering un-American mustard, it's amazing that this monster wasn't thrown out of the country. Especially since he was also caught using an entire branch of the government as his personal goon squad to effectively silence the political voices of "real Americans." Except that he wasn't.

In 2013, Republicans exploded over the revelation that Obama had the Internal Revenue Service unfairly single out conservative groups.

1

The Government Lied About A Soldier's Death To Score Propaganda Points

Few things are more American than the story of Pat Tillman. An NFL safety who gave up a multi-million-dollar football career to join the military after 9/11, Tillman made the ultimate sacrifice in service of his country. That's why Republicans from George Bush Jr. to Donald Trump all use Tillman as the perfect example of their America, the real America.