4

Bill Clinton Promoted Racist Crackdowns Through Fears Of Fake "Cop Killer" Bullets

"Cop killers" supposedly refer to Teflon-coated rounds that have the ability to pierce Kevlar vests -- the kind police officers wear. During his presidency, Bill Clinton loved to speechify about the dangers of cop killers, at one point meeting with a police widow whom he claimed lost her husband to that damnable ammunition. To end the madness, Clinton called on Congress to finally start banning these menaces outright. "I never saw a deer in a Kevlar vest," the president said, and we all nodded. Deer are stupid like that.

U.S. Navy"If Bambi's mom wasn't such a dumbo, she'd still be alive today."

One problem: Cop killer bullets don't exist. They're imaginary, like Bigfoot and political integrity. Yet when reporters figured this out and started calling Clinton on his crap, it didn't make a difference. "I've told [Clinton] five times that the story isn't right, but he doesn't care that he's wrong!" his press secretary would later admit. Silly little details like that wouldn't stop Clinton's administration from using imaginary ammunition to enact a racially motivated crackdown on crime, because fearmongering bullshit can penetrate any armor.

3

The First Catholic Who Ran For President Was Accused Of Building A Pope Tunnel

Americans have long feared the infiltration of their political offices by weird fringe religious groups.

By which we mean Catholics.

These days, presidential candidates simply have to throw Jesus a "what's up" nod and they're good to go, but past generations were a lot pickier. JFK broke the mold, of course, but only three decades prior, being a Catholic meant your chances of becoming president were smaller than a wine pour at mass. Seriously, what is up with those stingy pours, Father? It takes forever to get drunk in church.

Anyway, in 1928, Governor Al Smith was running as the Democratic presidential nominee. Smith was the perfect American success story. Born to a poor family, he started working at the age of 12 and never stopped. He was eventually elected New York governor four times. He sounded great on paper. However, he was also a proud Irish Catholic, which according to the majority of American voters meant they might as well be voting for the Antichrist.

Library of CongressThey had a choir following him chanting "Carmina Burana" to really hammer it home.

2

The IRS Never Targeted Conservatives At Obama's Order

If you're a regular viewer of Fox News, first of all, welcome to your regularly scheduled hate-browsing of a liberal-leaning website. Now, you're no doubt well aware of how the Obama presidency was filled with more devastating scandals than you can shake a Muslim prayer stick at. From wearing disrespectful suits to ordering un-American mustard, it's amazing that this monster wasn't thrown out of the country. Especially since he was also caught using an entire branch of the government as his personal goon squad to effectively silence the political voices of "real Americans." Except that he wasn't.

1

The Government Lied About A Soldier's Death To Score Propaganda Points

Few things are more American than the story of Pat Tillman. An NFL safety who gave up a multi-million-dollar football career to join the military after 9/11, Tillman made the ultimate sacrifice in service of his country. That's why Republicans from George Bush Jr. to Donald Trump all use Tillman as the perfect example of their America, the real America.

Which is a little ironic, since the story itself isn't real.

Oh, Tillman was real enough. He was killed in action in Afghanistan on April 22, 2004, only two years after ditching his $3.6 million contract with the Arizona Cardinals to join his brother in becoming an Army Ranger. According to the Army, Tillman died bravely while drawing enemy fire away from his brothers in arms, as is every good American's dream.

Tillman didn't quite fit that imaginary Republican ideal, though. In truth, he was a free thinker, a vocal atheist who thought the Iraq War was "fucking illegal" and hated that people like him were used as "a big Public Relation stunt." And he didn't die protecting his fellow soldiers, but was in truth shot in the face by his own squad.

Within hours of his death, it was determined that Tillman had been killed by a three-bullet burst to the head coming from his own side. Was it an accident? We'll never know, since the Army and Bush administration refused any kind of criminal investigation into his death. They even had his personal effects burned to limit the forensic evidence. See, the Iraq War was a little bit of a PR nightmare from the darkest depths of Hell, and pretending the football star died a war hero was so juicy that officials referred to Tillman's death as "a steak dinner."

Huh. That might be the grossest thing we've ever heard, and we once wrote an article about botflies.

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For more, check out 8 Obvious Lies That People Believed For Waaay Too Long and 5 Famous People Who Blatantly Lied (And Barely Paid For It).

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